Session today and getting nervous about Friday

I go to my retreat on Friday.  My husband is going to take me out there so I don't have to worry about driving on the highway.  The main lady from the retreat told me today they almost had to cancel it because there were only three people going, but apparently a fourth person signed up today.  Even though I know the other women there will have basically the same story as me, I'm upset about sharing mine.  We'll see how it goes.  I really am looking forward to spending some time away.  I'm also going as a "fact-finding mission" and going to take lots of notes for my counselor about what we did at the retreat.  He has been so supportive and excited for me about going to this retreat, I almost feel like he's going along with me.

On the way to my appointment this morning, I listened to the first three songs from Third Day's new album "Move" for the first time. It was impossible to be in a bad mood or worried or any mood but happy and uplifted, wow!

Well, I talked to my counselor about this weekend, and how I'm scared of having to talk about something that happened that I wish never happened.  He was trying to help me re-write the scene, except at first I didn't understand HOW we could do it.  I couldn't say (in the rewritten scene) "I don't want to do this" and walk out of the clinic and now be the mother of a 26-year-old.  I can't re-write anything that physically happened.  It took me a while to understand this, because what else could I re-write then?

I'm not sure of the order he said this in, but he told me I could re-write a part where I could be able to tell Claudia I'm sorry I'm a bad mom and I love her and tell her how terrifying it was for me to have a doctor saying I'd die if I continued the pregnancy and to have my parents treating me like a leper with AIDS and withholding their love.  (But actually in 1985 I don't remember telling Claudia anything, I was like a deer in the headlights or a cow being led to the slaughter basically).  But, yes, saying it out loud to Claudia today felt very nice and peaceful.  My counselor also said that even though her physical body isn't here because she lives in heaven, I could carry her spirit and heart with me.  I'm not sure how biblical that is but again it was such a lovely thought even though I couldn't actually feel anything.  

He was also trying to help me see that I do still have a connection with her.  He said that when I feel overwhelming guilt about what happened, I tend to lose that connection with her and that's where I get in the loop of "I wish this never happened/I want to change it but I can't," and he said the shame should remind me that I need to attempt reconnecting with her by letting her know how I feel.  (To me it feels like it should be the opposite - I feel guilty for what I've done and Claudia wouldn't want me to talk to her.)  This made so much sense to me, and I sincerely thanked him when I left today.

I have a surprise coming up on Sunday that I'm really excited about.  Just so I don't jinx it, I'll wait till after the retreat to write about it.  But knowing someone thinks I'm that important to do this for me makes me feel pretty special.  I'm trying not to worry that something will mess it up.  Also, when I try to find information about what happens at these retreats, hardly anything detailed comes up in Google.  So I wonder if it's supposed to be a big secret like the recipe for Famous Amos cookies or something.  If there's no confidentiality agreement (as far as exercises or events during the retreat), I will post about them.

Intake

I had been playing phone tag for about a week with the lady from Rachel's Vineyard retreat for the intake form, and I've been just so obsessed and worried about what kind of questions she was going to ask me.  So yesterday I wrote to the main lady and she said she herself would help me with it today and told me to try not to worry.  So I talked to the main lady on the phone today and she went through all the questions - how many abs I've had, the date of my ab, how old I was, if I'm married, how many kids I have and their ages, if I'm on medication, any special physical needs (I said I have a hard time with stairs because of my hip and back).  Then she asked what religion I was and any food preferences I had.  And that was pretty much it.  She said she'd be sending me in regular mail a map and a list of stuff to bring.

I told my counselor yesterday that I was so nervous about this intake thing because I was so hesitant to tell my "story" again.  I guess to be honest I don't really like talking about it because at this point in my life telling people about it makes me feel like I'm losing Claudia all over again.  The retreat is 15 days from now.

Six Word Saturday (10/2/10)

So do they or don't they?

Cue the cheesy music

Today I'm going to a luncheon at my Sunday school teacher's house.  We had the Global Impact Celebration (honoring missionaries) this week at church, and last night our class served the big dinner.  And today the missionary to Morocco is going to be talking at their house.

I just don't think anyone in my class really cares if I go or not.  Two of the women (related to the teacher) are pregnant now, one of them just had a baby recently, and for some reason it's so painful being around them.  After I got done helping out at the dinner last night, I got in my car to drive home and I screamed and cried the whole way.  The "mean" part of me wants to say that these people apparently wrote the book on families and they're perfect and know everything.  The nice (but devastated) part of me wants to say I sincerely wish I had been part of their family.  Instead, what did I get from my family?

First pregnancy - nobody was supportive of me, the doctor scared me saying I would die if I had it, my parents were ashamed of me, my sister acted really hateful and said "she can't take care of herself let alone a baby" (which haunts me TO THIS DAY).

Second pregnancy - the only reason why my first husband wanted me to get pregnant was so his family wouldn't find out he was gay.  He was a drunk and never helped me with the baby financially or otherwise!

Third pregnancy - my current husband wouldn't even ADMIT I was pregnant till he saw the sex-determining ultrasound when I was almost six months pregnant!  Way to be excited, DUMB ***!

Fourth (last) pregnancy - my current husband thought it was too soon to have a baby again since our daughter was only 8 months old.  He hinted around that we could "try again" when she was older.  Gee, wonder what that insinuates about the baby I was already pregnant with?

It's like nobody takes an interest in my kids, nobody supports me or tells me I'm doing a good job.  Well, my counselor has been encouraging me (in a subtle way, so subtle that 99% of the time I almost miss it).

Anyway, getting back to the six words ... I guess I feel since people from my past were never happy for me being a mother that I contemplate the people I know now aren't either.  I feel too scared to ask if I can hold one of their babies because I think they'll say no.  I guess I'm thinking they think I'm a bad mom, for the simple reason that they never say I'm a good one.  So then I start feeling like maybe they don't really even want me around.