The hardest thing is it drives me crazy that people don't (or don't want to) remember. I was going to post a video for Claudia in remembrance on Facebook but really WHO CARES? I'm going to be all over the place with this post today.
I had counseling on Friday and it made me feel good that my therapist understood why I was still angry with my parents. I had written a letter to them (which I won't send) and read it to him, and one of the things I said was I didn't want to outlive them so I could be the first one who gets to see Claudia in Heaven. And I knew he was going to ask me what I needed from them in order to heal and forgive. I told him it would be nice if they could be mad at our family doctor for scaring me about dying if I continued the pregnancy, also if they could be mad (and not consider it a sign from God) that the abortion doctor told me he went to med school with our family doctor, and also if they could maybe show some interest in how I'm doing now so I could tell them about the Rachel's Vineyard retreat and how my baby has a name and that I'm still her mother.
I remember when I was a little kid like five years old and I could count to 27, and most people can't wait till they are 16 so they can drive, or 18 so they can be an adult, or 21 so they could drink, but even way back then I couldn't wait to be 27. My first date with my second husband was on my 27th birthday. I clearly remember after getting home that night I called up Mix 105 (a radio station in Orlando) and requested "Sign Your Name" by Terrence Trent D'Arby, and the DJ said, "This song goes out to Debbie; she's 27 today." I'm almost positive I still have the cassette I recorded it on that night! My first ex-husband, knowing how I'd always wanted to be 27, even called me to wish me happy birthday. This year Claudia would be turning 27.
For a while it really bugged me knowing this was the year that would happen, and instead she's in Heaven. It bothers me that I'm the only one remembering her, it seems like. I was actually toying with the idea of getting a tattoo this year but I had a couple things happen that changed my mind. For starters I'm scared of pain. Even though it would be a permanent reminder and it would be with me forever and nobody could force me to get rid of THAT, a lot of people say it hurts to get a tattoo. And then I was reading a post on a post-abortion group I belong to, and someone mentioned how it's been so long since her abortion, even if she had had the child, he/she would be grown by now and not with her anyway. That clicked something in me...
My oldest son graduated from Air Force basic training the end of December. When I didn't dwell on the fact my husband said he "couldn't wait to get rid of" my kid, I was (and am) actually super-proud of him and very excited to watch how he lives his new life as an adult. Even if I didn't have unconditional love and support growing up, I can give it to my own son. So when I read how that lady's child would've been grown and gone by now anyway, I realized Claudia would be 27 and for sure flew the coop by now too. And I can kind of feel that same "it's okay that they're away" feeling for her that I can tap into for my son. When we were headed home from graduation, my husband was trying to cheer me up by joking with me that when HE left home he's sure his parents were dancing and having a party. And I got to thinking how it was when I left home - I never gave a thought about if my parents were going to miss me. So it doesn't bother me so much now about my son because I know he's having a ball learning new things in the Air Force and meeting new people and it actually doesn't hurt that he's not constantly thinking about or missing me.
