No man is worth losing your kid over

I am overwrought with guilt.  My oldest son and his wife are moving soon to North Dakota for 18 months, and then off to Italy for two years (Air force).

My son has only been over once (alone) to see us and that was nine days ago.  I thought he was nearing the end of his leave so I asked if we could go out for dinner with them and he said okay.  Then on Sunday he canceled and I saw on his wife's Facebook that they went to a party.  Yesterday he told me to call him after work (he works at the recruiter's while he's in town) so we could decide where to eat.  When I called, he said his wife didn't want to go because she doesn't like my husband.  I said we could go on Tuesday because my husband teaches that night.  Then my son said Zoe doesn't like me either because I didn't stick up for Ian when he was growing up.

Yes, it's true ... after I had my daughter and youngest son, my husband started treating my oldest son like shit.  Of course, my husband puts on his halo and says that if my son would've treated him like a dad and respected HIM then he would've respected my son.  (Which I always knew was a crock because he's the adult here; it should have started with him.)

My husband had strict rules for him.  My husband yelled at him if he slipped up even a little.  My husband yelled at ME if I tried to defend my son.  My husband even went on the offensive and told me that I didn't love him if I wasn't on the same page as HIM.  I mean, holy cow, how could I even try to be on the same page as my husband if his page was being MEAN?  I couldn't be mean to my kid.  That's the one thing I did right.  I love Ian.

I should've left.  I know now.  I should've.  My husband always tries to entice me to divorce him by saying he'll give me $5,000 and a bus ticket to anywhere I want to go.  He doesn't want to be the one to file because he doesn't want his side of the family to know he's an asshole.  His side of the family is very wealthy and he doesn't want to get written out of the will for being a douchebag to his wife and kids.

Another thing he always did is point out everything I was doing wrong and judging me on my performance as a wife and mother.  It didn't really motivate me to do better; it just made me lose hope.  I'm never going to be good enough.  But something inside me wanted to stay and at least try to be better.

I wish I would've left.  My husband points to the few times when he and my oldest son did fun things together as proof that he "loved" him and "took care of" him.  This hurts me really bad because my own father (who was my father and not a step-father) would always remind me I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach to prove that he "loved" me.  So anybody could've taken Ian to the zoo or a football game but it doesn't mean they love him.

Ian was on a soccer team for a few years when he was in grade school and I hauled my pregnant self (and baby/toddler-carrying self) to his practices and games.  I got a job when he was in 7th grade and stayed up all night typing and made a bunch of money and I would give him $25 a week allowance, for about three years till my "employer" decided to cut down my work drastically.  All through high school Ian dated the girl next door literally, and he was always over at their house, so I don't think he's mad at me for not spending time with him then.  They broke up before Thanksgiving (about six months after he graduated from high school) and he started going out with Zoe and they got engaged on St. Patrick's day (about five months later).


In June while he was still waiting to go to basic training, my husband "kicked him out" when we got back from a concert out of town.  My husband lied and said he had hidden cameras in the house and knew Ian had a party (which Ian never did have anyone over, because that was our rule while we were gone).  They did a bunch of yelling and eventually Ian just gave up and started agreeing and decided living without my husband's big fat mouth wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.  I was hysterical and my son was saying it was okay, he'll leave and everything's fine.  Then he and my husband were getting along that day, so I thought everything was fine.


So the night before he goes to basic (which was Halloween) he and Zoe got married.  (My husband doesn't believe they did.)  Zoe still hasn't changed her last name, and both her and my son's status on Facebook is "in a relationship with."  My son asked me for money to pay his late bills so he wouldn't have to worry about that during basic, so I gave him EVERYTHING I HAD with the exception of $99.  I wrote him every day during basic.  He wanted a book but I couldn't send it to him because they don't allow books only letters, so I typed ten pages of the book every day and sent it with my letters!


Anyway, Ian and Zoe supposedly never took pictures when they got married.  Since he's been in town, they have stayed with her parents.  I think my husband is lying but he claims he drives by their house and my son's jeep is always there (hinting that he's not even working).  My husband "helpfully" told me that he thinks it's Ian who actually hates me and he's just claiming Zoe said it.


A couple months ago I took Zoe to work once.  She didn't seem like she hated me.

Right before he graduated from tech school, I was telling him I wanted to get a tattoo of the Air Force logo and maybe his name on the inside of my ankle (to honor him), and he emailed me back and said that I had 15 years to honor him and didn't do it so a tattoo would be stupid.  That just freaking hurts.  I wanted to get a tattoo for Claudia sometime, but now I just feel like that would be stupid for her too.  The thing is, my reasoning for getting tattoos for them is that at least nobody could take THEM away off my leg.  Even though people took the "real" them away.


I don't know if I can write this part.  It hurts, it kills me.  It's unbearable.  I don't know how to fix this.  I wrote him when he was in basic that I was sorry for everything.  I mean, I even said I wished we never moved here.  But if we hadn't have moved here, he wouldn't have met Zoe either.  So I don't know what to think.  I can't go back 15 years and tell my husband I'm leaving.  I can't go back 15 years and stand up for Ian "somehow."  (I don't even know what I could've done differently!  Isn't that sick?)  I hate myself.  When Ian got "kicked out" over the summer, the pain in my heart felt like getting an abortion.  In 1985 my parents didn't want me to love Claudia and in 2011 my husband didn't want me to love Ian.  I don't know what to do.  

My husband hasn't talked to my side of the family for over 10 years.  If I bring them up in a conversation, he is so hostile and nasty.  Ian told me Zoe's parents hate each other's parents too.  So I'm wondering if this is a dead horse, that even if I had been the most wonderful perfect mother that Zoe would convince Ian not to have a relationship with me/us just because her parents hate their inlaws too.  But even that excuse doesn't make me feel a bit better.  Why does it have to be that way?  Why doesn't Ian remember anything good I did for him?  I took care of him for five years before I met this prick I'm married to now.


Anyway ... this is what I should've done (and this won't fix anything, but next time I get divorced I will know so my younger two children won't get hurt).


I should've stayed in Florida.  Every time I felt unloved and thought I needed a boyfriend, I should've told Ian I loved him, I should've poured more love on Ian.  With children, you get loved back when you love them, every time.  I should've just stayed single.  I shouldn't have married stupid Rafael either.  I know why I did - everyone kept telling me after my first divorce that I wasn't going to make it on my own!!!!  So I was desperate for someone!!!  The funny thing is, Rafael convinced me that since I would have to pay all the bills if I was by myself anyway that he shouldn't have to pay anything and he didn't.  So I was basically on my own anyway.  I could only stand it for 10 months and then I filed from him.


But now I really can't make it.  I barely make $20 a week at my job.  I need to try to get a different job with more money outside the house but I've been having back problems when I walk and I'm terrified I won't be able to physically handle having a different job.  I'm scared.  I don't want my husband to be a jerk to my kids.  The grief is killing me that I've lost my son.


So, just to be clear:


No man is worth losing your kid over.