Six Word Saturday (10/19/13)

"What Am I Going To Do?"

Nothing exciting happened this week.  I haven't been walking lately.  Every month I weigh myself on the 15th and I've gained two pounds, so I should probably start walking again now that it's colder.

On Facebook I've been using Spotify to queue up and listen to all the songs from Billboard's top 100 from this week in 1984.  Well, at least the 77 songs that I liked or could find.  Listening sends me back to that time, especially "All Through the Night" from Cyndi Lauper.

I was telling my therapist about it and about how I used to have headphones plugged into my jambox back then and I'd listen to music all night, falling asleep to it.  I mentioned that hearing "All Through the Night" in particular reminded me of being pregnant back then.  Before everyone even knew I was pregnant, and once I figured out I was, all I could do is fret.  What am I going to do?  The sad part is back then I though once my parents found out I'd have to give the baby away, which really bothered me.  At the time, I never dreamed I would end up having an abortion, considering my parents knew how mentally unstable my paternal grandmother was for the rest of her life after hers.  I actually hated my grandmother after she died and I found out about it.

As I mentioned to my therapist, what I really needed back then was somebody to talk to.  I had no one.  Even if someone did care enough to talk to me, they probably wouldn't wholly listen to me.  Their agenda would always be in the back of their mind.  I wish I could've talked it all the way through with someone.  So my therapist was telling me that I could listen to the pre-abortion 17-year-old me now and acknowledge her story, even though she can't change any of the events.  So that is what I would've said, that my grandmother was a horrible person for killing her baby so that wasn't an option and that I was scared my parents wouldn't let me keep mine even though I would've liked to.  I know for a fact that my doctor saying "she wouldn't survive a pregnancy" is baloney, but back then I wonder why my parents didn't get a second or third opinion like they did for all my other health problems?  Actually, I know the answer:  their agenda, their reputation.  It was really convenient that he scared me saying I was going to die.

I told my therapist I wish I had died during the abortion then, the very thing they were "trying to prevent" if I tried carrying to term.

Six Word Saturday (10/12/13)

Helping Rachel's Vineyard and My Antonia

On Monday I went to the house of the coordinator of the Rachel's Vineyard retreats to help put together information packets for the retreat this weekend.  She had made nachos (in the oven) and chicken a la king over rice as a small meal first.  There was one other lady and her two young adult children helping there as well.  I folded a couple dozen mass programs.  It felt really good to help out, and it always feels so comfortable being around people associated with the retreats, so I had a good time.

Since I haven't ordered Elizabeth Smart's book yet, I was looking around for something else to read.  My daughter had to read Willa Cather's novel "My Antonia" over the summer for school, so I picked it up since she's done with it.  She doesn't really like to read and thought it was a boring book, but it kind of reminds me of the Little House on the Prairie style books I used to read when I was her age (so I like it so far).

Actually, there's one more event I want to note.  My father has another pacemaker surgery coming up on Wednesday.  Last week in counseling I admitted that I feel about as concerned about his surgery as I would feel about Clint Eastwood having surgery; I'm that far removed from my family, especially him.  I know I've disappointed him and embarrassed him and he won't forgive me and acts very uncomfortable around me.  I told my therapist that the only thing that I'm worried about is if my father dies then he will get to see Claudia in heaven before I do.  I know it sounds petty.  For the past 29 years he has not said ONE WORD about my abortion, like it never even happened, and he'll get to see the baby from that event (who doesn't exist, as far as he's concerned) before I do.  It just doesn't seem right to me.

Six Word Saturday (10/5/13)

My Job and Son Are Gone

Sunday night my husband, younger two kids and I went out to a fancy steak place with my inlaws, my oldest son and his wife.  My inlaws picked them up from my daughter-in-law's parents' house and supposedly got to meet them.  I've never met them so I'm a little jealous.  We had a decent dinner and then went out for ice cream afterwards.  Then my inlaws made plans with me to go to breakfast with them and my son and his wife in the morning.  When the morning came, my younger two kids told me they felt like they didn't get to talk to my oldest son very much the night before, so I let them skip their morning classes so they could go with me.  So the next day off he went to Italy, and his wife is staying with her parents here right now till she receives her visa and then she'll be flying over with their dogs soon after that.  Me and my daughter want to take her out for breakfast sometime before she has to go, but I don't think she really likes me.  I don't know what my son has told his wife and inlaws that made them shun us so badly but I know he didn't have a very good life with us (see May 1, 2012 entry).  I feel guilty.  Again, I just want to say that my parents were glad to get rid of Claudia and now I believe my husband's glad to get rid of my oldest son.

As for my job (the one I just got three weeks ago).  It was hard and I couldn't get the names of the medicines right.  The editor told me to just put INAUDIBLE if I wasn't 100% sure what the name was, and then two assignments later she lectured me about the medicine names.  I had two questions about my invoice that I turned in last week and I skyped the guy in charge of that, and he never answered me back, so I should have known something was up.  Then the following morning he wrote me that maybe I would do better with their non-medical transcription.  I asked for the link to apply for it and he gave it to me, but I still haven't done it because I'm hurt.  Plus I'm scared the audio is going to be crappy quality like these other medical ones ALL were.  Sometimes I could barely hear them.

Oddly, I'm not that upset about going back to only having the one job with sporadic assignments now.  Having my neat freak therapist come over last week really put a shot in my arm about getting my house shipshape.  Amazingly it's not bugging me that it will be a long process, and I have been working on it all week.  I'm proud of the microscopic improvements I've made.  I'm pleased and feel like I've been accomplishing something, which I give God the credit for (credit for giving me stamina, credit for giving me approving eyes instead of critical of what I haven't done, and credit for giving me a new small feeling of NOT being worthless).