My anxious heart

I couldn't sleep any longer because we're going on vacation Saturday and I have a lot to do to prepare for it. Curiously, if me and the kids aren't fully ready when my husband wants us to be, it will be all *my* fault. The kids really want to go so that's why we are even going in the first place. I have stuff I need to get done for the trip for myself too, and it just irritates me that my kids act like they're helpless two-year-olds. My parents are going to meet up with us on the 4th and I'm anxious about that too, scared that they still won't think I'm a very good mom and scared that my husband is going to be a jerk to them. Today I'm also going to have lunch with my bible study group (which I kind of want to quit because I just don't feel safe with them anymore). 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV) Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. And now I'll pray what I was taught in counseling yesterday: God, I'm willing to give up finding my own way out of the fear. I'm going to trust you to lead me out. Amen.

Dreams

I don't remember my dreams very often, so it's really important and impressive to me when I do. So I'm writing down the two I had last night. In one of them, I was driving my car and all of a sudden the engine gauge went from C to H and I couldn't go faster than 30 miles an hour. It scared me because I didn't want the car to break down and leave me stranded somewhere. So I woke up. I do like my car but I guess I don't feel that safe in it because we bought it for less than the price of a root canal. Then the second dream I remember from last night was my father in law getting mad at me for saying that I think my husband learned his temper from him. My husband has told me before that he (my husband) yells to get power and my father in law is a millionaire (which in itself is a kind of power because money talks). I know I am anxious about going on vacation with them (my husband, kids and in-laws) Saturday. I'm just freaked about these dreams though, wow.

Gifts and fathers

Today is Father's Day. I have so much anxiety trying to get gifts that will be liked. My oldest son and I went to Auto Zone and got a wrench set for the Porsche. It wasn't cheap so I knew it'd be a good present. (I know that sounds shallow.) Speaking of fathers, recently I listened to one of Ray Pritchard's sermons about Abraham and Isaac, how God should be the most important thing to you and not your job, money, status, children, etc., and it's really got me thinking ever since! What if parents are just a means to get certain people in the world that God wants to use (no matter who the child is raised by or how well), and me spending tortured nights worrying if I'm doing a good job is just a waste of time. Ray said, "Hold lightly what you value greatly because it isn't yours anyway."

Lost sheep (literally)

Yesterday I was going to meet some friends at Applebee's, and my son wrote down the directions for me. I turned at the wrong time and ended up on the highway (something I'm so terrified of). I took the first exit off that I came to and wound up by Kmart. I just wanted to go home at that point, and I was sobbing and so upset, and I just told God how massively scared I was because I didn't know how to get home and that I felt really stupid for not knowing my way around town. My counselor got me in the habit of asking myself what God is thinking when I'm hurt, lonely, scared, etc., so I tried to envision God observing me sitting in the parking lot totally lost, and what came to my mind was SHEEP, not only because they're not the brightest animals but like how the Bible describes us as sheep and Jesus is the shepherd, and also the story of the shepherd who left his 99 other sheep to go find the one lost sheep of his herd. I felt like he was observing me as a literal lost sheep, and at that moment I felt so special. Getting lost like this is uniquely me, something God created in only me. I mean, the whole world must look at me as "short-bus" special for getting lost in a town I've lived in for 12 years, but God thinks I'm special. I don't feel like I'm bragging (when I say I feel special); I feel loved.








FYI: My son came to Kmart and let me follow him home; I didn't make it to Applebee's.

God, listen ...

My prayer today: God, I'm not expecting my Christian walk to be easy but I keep failing at being a wife/mom. It's not just affecting me but also my husband and kids -- four people's lives are being ruined because of me! Please help me, please listen, please help. I feel so freaking useless.

Seventy times seven

I have had this one friend for a year and she keeps hurting me, and I personally think it's time to cut my losses. I feel guilty because I'm supposed to keep forgiving her. I know that love keeps no record of wrongs, but I don't think God would really want me to keep getting hurt.

Day 3 of The Love Dare

I'm sort of casually doing The Love Dare (the book from the movie "Fireproof"). For day 3, it tells you that where your money and time goes is also where your heart goes, and the dare for that day is to buy something for your spouse. Well, I only bought my husband a slurpee from Diamond Shamrock but he was so happy. So then today he brought me a BK Mocha Joe (mmm!). But isn't that funny? I wasn't expecting anything in return.

But the advice from that day just keeps going over in my mind, and I keep seeing where my priorities are a little out of whack.

67 more days

I know I sound like the worst mother in the world, but there are only 67 more days till the first day of school and I can't wait. My oldest keeps yelling at me and my youngest two don't listen to me, and I can't take it. I have work to type and I can't concentrate because I'm so upset.