Six Word Saturday (3/6/10)

I feel so much rage inside

Sorry.

I'm still reflecting on my life (my whole life, not just the part where Claudia comes in) and I'm just so angry.  I can see how people over and over wanted me to do things and I did them.  Was I NOT born with a mouth?  Right now my counselor is having me read a book called "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning and he talks about this imposter inside yourself, where you basically deny your true self in order to keep the peace (being a COWARD, his word) and/or to maintain acceptance by others.  

What has it gotten me?  NADA.  What has it gotten others?  EVERYTHING.

My sister hated me from the time I was 12 till I was 20.  My parents let MY SISTER have a say about Claudia.  What does she say?  "Debbie can't take care of herself, let alone a baby."  When I was 20, miraculously after my sister graduated from travel agent school and needed a place to stay, all of a sudden I wasn't so disgusting to her and she lived with me.  Oh, and she needed a car.  Our parents didn't want her to ruin their credit if they co-signed, so guess who they got to co-sign my sister's brand new 1987 Renault Alliance?  I never even got to drive it because everyone thought I was too mentally and physically challenged to drive.

My first husband - same theme, different story.

My second husband - same theme, different story.

My third husband - yep, same theme, different story, and continuing.

I don't want them all to hate me or be mad at me so I'm chicken and give in.

Two things make me write about this today.  First, my kids threw a holy fit Thursday night to get me to take them to Literacy Night.  I've been telling them all week that I didn't want to go.  My husband couldn't take them because he was teaching.  I don't like being out in public because I look like a monster and people stare.  We had to park quite a ways away from the school since the parking lot was full, and my son was screaming about not making it in time to get a hot dog the whole time I'm parking.  I could see there was a line of people waiting for hot dogs so I don't know why he was so upset.

Secondly, my sister sent me a little Easter package yesterday of marshmallow peeps, bunnies, malted milk eggs and two fanny packs she got from a convention.  I was surprised, happy, shared the candy with my kids and little boy I babysit for, liked the lavender pack, but inside I want to just rip something to shreds.  Why does she get to treat me so badly and I hate her and then she is nice to me and I don't know how to feel.  Well, of course she likes me .. I've done everything she's ever wanted.

I feel like I'm just alive for other people - my husband, my kids, my parents.  My self, my true self, doesn't really exist.  I would leave but I never make more than $100 a week and that's not enough to live on.  Ironically, I made a ton of money when I was married the first two times and it was pretty easy to finally say "enough" but now I'm stuck here.