Six Word Saturday (10/22/11)

My son's leaving for basic soon

I used to be really excited for my oldest son because he ended up joining the Air Force.  His start date kept being pushed back (the first one was in April, that's how long he's been waiting).  Now his confirmed date is November 1.  He has to report to a hotel near the airport at 7:00 the night before though.

The Air Force lets him call one person when they get to Lachlan to let you know he got there safely.  He said he's calling ZOE.  They'll give him one postcard to send to notify you where to write him at.  He said he will send it to ZOE.  Because my son has badmouthed my husband for so long, Zoe has said hi to him maybe twice and she won't come over for dinner.  I have only got to talk to her a few times myself, but at any rate, I'll be surprised if she shares any information with us.

About a month ago my husband told me he couldn't wait to get rid of him.  That was a really [pardon my French] shitty thing to say because it made me feel the same as when my sister said I should "get rid of" Claudia.  Then last night my husband was telling me I should just let go of worrying that I won't be able to get ahold of him and told me to just concentrate on my other two kids.  He said I should tell him to write to me, and then I'll have his address regardless if Zoe tells us anything or not.  THAT last thing was the only thing he said that didn't hurt me.

Six Word Saturday (8/20/11)

First Week of School is Done

My kids made it through their first week (and so did I).  My daughter is a little spooked about the older kids at middle school but she has several old friends there with her.  I'm excited for her because orchestra is one of her classes (she plays violin) and her other elective is dance.  Yesterday she found out a new friend lives pretty close to our house and they can walk to school and back together.  I still have concerns about her getting teased but I'm trying not to worry until it actually happens.

My son is in his last year at elementary school, so he is one of the "big kids" on the bus.  I bought him five new outfits to wear for school, and this whole week he has insisted on wearing the same three pairs of nylon jogging pants that he wore ALL YEAR last year!  So my idea of having to do laundry only once a week came to a halt on Wednesday night when he needed the three pairs washed again.  The funny part is these three pairs of pants were hand-me-UPs from our neighbor kid who two years younger than my son.  I feel like asking his mom if I could trade five never-worn pairs of pants for more hand-me-ups, since my son apparently likes this kid's clothes better.  (I'm nervous about next month when I go home for my parents' 50th anniversary because who's going to wash his three pairs of pants mid-week while I'm gone?  Not my husband, oh heavens NO!  *mock faint*  Maybe my son could take them over to the neighbor kid's mom to wash!)

Six Word Saturday (8/13/11)

School is going to start soon

Monday is my kids' first day of school.  My youngest son will be in 5th grade, so this is the last year I'll have someone in elementary school.  My daughter will be in 6th grade, the first year of middle school.  My son I'm not too worried about because he's a happy funny little kid with lots of friends.  And I shouldn't be worried about my daughter either but I kind of am.  My husband discussed this with me yesterday so I do feel better about it, but all summer I've been dreading her going to 6th grade.  Sixth grade is when my life really started to suck, honestly.  That was the age when the kids in my school would start going to the mall with their friends, to movies, get-togethers, and the girls were boy-crazy and you were "nobody" if you didn't have a boyfriend.  I wasn't allowed to go anywhere except to church and two youth groups, but my parents refused to drive me so I'd have to find rides from people.  I just remember from 6th grade till I graduated from high school I spent a mind-boggling amount of time alone in my room and most of the time I wanted to die.  So it makes sense that I would be worrying about my daughter starting to have to deal with this.

My husband said that my daughter is a totally different person than me.  She has lots of friends (and she knows which of her friends will be going to the same middle school so she's not worried about being alone).  She is athletic, pretty, and outgoing.  Me and my husband are willing to take her places.  Her circumstances are different than mine were, so she should be just fine.

I'm thinking about posting this video on my Facebook on Monday for the start of school, but I'm not so scared for her anymore.

Going home

Just venting...  Next month I'm going back home for my parents' anniversary.  Although I'm excited about hopefully seeing some old friends, I'm nervous about seeing my family.  I'm missing how I had been able to shove all my feelings down for years and years, because ever since my hysterectomy and being in counseling so long, it feels like the band-aid's ripped off (which hid my ab) and every little thing hurts me. 

I can't even hope everyone will be nice to me.  My family shows love by "teasing," even though things they said would hurt me and then I'd get basically scolded for being sensitive.  I keep having these fantasies in my head where I finally have enough of their shit and say, "You know what, I'd just rather not see or speak to any of you again.  See you in Heaven."  The only reason it would shake them up is because they wouldn't have their dupe to make fun of anymore.

My paternal grandmother wasn't allowed to be around us kids when we were little because she was crazy.  My father only told us ONE good childhood memory of her, otherwise it was known that she was a horrible mother who couldn't get out of bed and take care of her house or kids, and my grandfather always put her in the hospital (mental) when he got sick of it.  She died when I was 12 and I got to see her in the hospital but I was too scared to hug her because she was portrayed as a monster my whole life.  And after she died my mother told us that she was screaming that she "killed the baby" and other crazy stuff during the last days in the hospital and my aunt (her daughter) disclosed that my grandma had an illegal ab after her 3rd child.  Now when I was 12, that made me hate her even more!!!  And I never even gave my grandmother a single thought till I went on the Rachel's Vineyard retreat and hearing everyone else's story made me think "even my grandmother could be here telling HER story" so I did forgive her right then and there.  But does anybody see how messed up it is that the very thing my father is angry and ashamed at his mother for is EXACTLY what they're doing to me?  I'm looked at like the crazy one now.

I wish my parents would admit that having me get an abortion was the wrong thing to do. I wish that they would say I'm a good mother and they misjudged me and I would have been a good mother to Claudia then too.  My mother keeps saying that my grandmother "did the best she could" when I ask her if having a messy house or wild kids meant my grandmother was a bad mother.  If my mother didn't think she was a bad mother, though, wouldn't she just say "no"? 

Anyway I found out on a genealogy forum where my grandmother's buried and when I'm home I'm going out there to bring her some flowers and tell her I'm not ashamed of her and I'm sorry.

A bad dream I had

The evening of my birthday (Saturday) was really hard for me.  I wish I could realize I'm getting triggered at the moment I'm getting triggered, rather than trying to get to sleep with all these horrible thoughts running through my head and for hours feeling like "why is this happening to me?" till I figure out what happened.  Three people (my mother, my aunt and my husband) said things to me that hurt at the time but I blocked it out almost immediately after I heard it, and then at night when I have all this time to cry I realized their big fat mouths were the reason I couldn't sleep.  It just feels like I've slipped a little further down the "crazy trail" though, and it bothers me that nobody is concerned about it, like my husband, kids, husband's family, my family, and even my counselor are all just observing me like they're watching some funny TV show!

Anyway, that night I tried doing the handkerchief thing my counselor taught me (where you mentally take one problem you're obsessing on and wrap it in a handkerchief mentally and then mentally put it in a box, so you can quit worrying about that because it's safe in the box till the morning - and you keep going through your list of stuff and putting them in handkerchiefs and putting them in the box).  One thing that was bugging me, I was thinking if I could gather my parents, my sister, the doctors, Claudia, and my counselor in one group and let myself say whatever I wanted, I would love to be able to say to Claudia (in front of all of them), "I'm sorry I didn't protect you."  Just so the doctors would feel like crap for hurting her, and my parents and sister would feel like crap for hurting me, and my counselor would feel like crap for not seeing that I'm still hurting.  I did protect her for 12 weeks when I kept her a secret and I also truly believe I WANTED to be her mother!  I never once said, "Oooh, I'm pregnant, I need to get rid of this."

Another thing thing that was bugging me that night because I was so triggered was remembering during the Rachel's Vineyard retreat memorial service, I had to put my hot-dog-shaped cloth "baby" in this big cradle.  When I was thinking about it Saturday night, I cried so hard from confusion - why did we put the babies in there?  What was that supposed to do?  I knew the cloth baby represented MY baby Claudia so here I am in real life clenching my fist like I'm holding this baby because I missed it so much and I missed what the cloth baby represented (my real baby).  I knew I had to do a handkerchief thing for the cloth baby I was obsessing about, and it was making me really mad because I didn't want to let go.  Then I remembered that I always imagine myself giving Jesus the mental box to hold for me all night and finally I realized I could just give the baby mentally to Jesus to hold directly in his HAND (without putting her in the box).  So that's what I did.  And then I thought it was funny that I was jealous that this mental cloth baby got to be held in Jesus' palm.

This is copied from an email I wrote to my counselor earlier this morning (and I believe the dream came out of me worrying about the stuff that happened on my birthday):

This morning I woke up with my stomach all clenched up like I was waiting to be punched but it felt like a continuation of the dream I was having because I remembered what happened in my dream!  I was dreaming about the abortion clinic and everything happened just the same but in my dream I could talk, and the whole time I kept saying that I didn't want to do this and I wanted the baby.  And when I woke up my stomach hurt so bad and in a way I'm kind of relieved because it showed me I did try to protect Claudia the whole time even if in the real story I didn't protest/say anything and it basically showed she was stolen from me.  Anyway, one thing that really happened that got revealed in my dream was a nurse gave me two pills (I think valium?) after I signed in and I'm betting it was supposed to make me forget everything that happened but the only part it ever made me blank out on was the point where they called me back to the O/R to get undressed till the point the doctor came in.

Anyway, mostly I'm just writing this so I don't forget what happened over the weekend.

Six Word Saturday (4/23/11)

I'm so glad tomorrow is Easter!

This is a video from a couple years ago since I don't play handbells any more.

http://youtu.be/j00aRWPxbBY

I just love that song and it was really cool that we got to play it.

Six Word Saturday (4/16/11)

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

There's an episode of the Simpson where Homer goes to a gun shop to buy a gun, and the clerk tells him it'll be a five-day waiting period.  Homer screams the best line, ever, "Five days?!  But I'm mad NOW!"  Anyway, he goes home to wait and all these reminders pass by in front of him. 

Lately I can relate to this (the waiting, not the gun).  My son keeps getting delayed on his deployment to the military and in the meantime he's still living here and my husband isn't being very nice to him.  It's killing me.  It seems like my whole life is just waiting for something else.  After my counseling on Wednesday then I can't wait till Sunday (for church).  Then after church I can't wait till Wednesday (for counseling!).   I have countdown clocks on my personal iGoogle page - one for how many days till Obama's last day as president, one for how many days till my daughter graduates from high school, and one for how many days till the Third Day concert in Tucson I'm going to.

If this was "One Word Saturday," I would just say WAITING!  Ugh!

Down

I applied for a job transcribing sermons earlier this week.  I thought that sure would be a way to honor God with my skill and I'd also make more money than I am right now when the workload is slow.  Well, I heard back from them that they don't need any more help right now but to write again in a few months.  I feel awful.    I hate that feeling where everyone around you is concerned about money (and my husband's family all brag about how much they have) and you find yourself feeling a little greedy too.  It feels like the only reason my husband would like me is because I make money (hence, he's being a jerk to me lately).  So I feel like I'm failing in all aspects of my life - professional, marriage and being a mom.  I went volunteering today and it's odd how the depression disappears while I'm grading Bible study lessons for the students.  On the way home, a song on the radio by Led Zeppelin ended and then "Keep On Loving You" by REO Speedwagon came on, so I got to hear the entire thing from beginning to end, and I thought about Claudia (which I always do during that song, because I feel like she sings it to me) and I feel a little better.

For what it's worth

Zoe and Ian

Due to the fact Zoe's father is being kind of difficult (and my husband's notorious for ruining everything anyway), it's just not a happy time and it really hurts me.  I thought engagements were supposed to be exciting.  I feel guilty for hoping my son gets to go to basic training soon so there can be some peace around here (you know, since my husband can't be a mature adult and quit starting fights with him over stupid crap all the time).  I wish Zoe could come over more often so I could get to know her, but my son hates it here.  Anyway, here's a picture of them together and thought I'd share.

To Carleigh

When I was looking through photos online to add to this today, I came across a lovely blog post, so I'm sharing that link because I also really love the picture she used.

Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday, Carleigh!

I know you're safe and happy and loved and whole, but it's really hard not to cry.

Six Word Saturday (3/19/11)

I'm going to be a mother-in-law

My oldest son is partial to St. Patrick's Day because that's his middle name, and since January he had been planning to propose to his girlfriend on that day.  Although there was a lot of unrelated drama (a physical fight with my husband about the price of the ring, which I missed out on because I was at Bible study), the end result is my son popped the question after his girlfriend got off work.  I was very upset thinking that this event he planned was ruined because my husband can't mind his own business, but again if I look at it from my son's point of view, he still got engaged!

They haven't updated their news on Facebook yet so I haven't told anyone except my counselor (and now everyone reading this, a whopping three people).  I want to be openly happy for them and excited about gaining a new daughter, so I hope they publicly announce it soon.

They hope to have the actual wedding sometime after my son's Air Force basic and tech school but before he gets stationed somewhere, so that Zoe can go with him, so probably September-ish.

Six Word Saturday (3/12/11)

A bunch of little things today

My husband has gone to his mechanic friend's garage every Friday night for a few hours since I've known him, but last night was one of the rare occasions where his friend couldn't do it so my husband "had" to stay home (oh, the torture, huh, spending time with us instead!).  He and my daughter like watching Cupcake Wars on the Food network so they decided to make a few cupcakes.  Here's me with the one she made for me: 

My husband has been intensely worried about money and it feels ridiculous because it's not like we're behind on bills, etc.  He has a good job.  My work dwindles down to almost nothing from the end of October to the end of March, so I feel guilty spending ANY money already, and then he starts fretting about other money things that I can't even help with.  I've been having my bible study group pray for either more work for me or even a part-time job in a different industry altogether.  Last night he told me that the community college where he teaches part-time on top of his regular job is scheduling him to teach TWO classes this fall!  So that is an amazing answer to prayer.

And the last little thing .. my oldest son and college don't mix very well.  He failed a couple classes last semester and he just isn't happy having to study.  He is more athletic and likes to DO things and not read things.  He was trying to get a four-year degree so he could enter the Marines as an officer, but he's not going to make it through college.  After talking to some friends who are already enlisted, he decided to enlist in the Air Force.  (The people I've talked to actually told me that the Air Force is kind of hard to get into because you have to pass tests and stuff, so I'm happily surprised my son was able to enlist!)  He told me earlier this week that he heard from the Air Force as far as his ship out date for basic training.  April 13th.  I was kind of hoping it would be this summer so I'm a little bit shocked.  But I am SO HAPPY he's going to be doing something he loves.

Six Word Saturday (2/26/11)

Only wearing six things this month

There's an internet challenge called Six Items Or Less that you can join and try doing.  Basically you wear the same six items of clothing for a month (not including underwear, PJs, coats, workout clothes, shoes, accessories).  I still have two days to go but this challenge was pretty easy for me.  I did the challenge informally and didn't actually sign up on the website.

The six items I chose for the challenge:

1. Black dressy pants - I figured I could wear these to church every week (since I do anyway!!) and wear them if my jeans in #2 are in the washer).
2. Bobbie Brooks blue jeans from Family Dollar - I looooove these jeans, they fit me perfect.
3. Maroon short-sleeve sweater my sister gave me a few years ago - thought I could get away with it because February's supposed to be cold.
4. White t-shirt with a mouse machine-embroidered on the pocket - my mother-in-law "made" this for me with her $6,000 embroidery machine and can make stuff in minutes that would take me a month to stitch by hand.  (I picked this shirt so it would wear out quickly and I'd "have to" throw it away.)
5. Pink t-shirt my sister gave me a few years ago - my husband used to love this shirt on me and would be really affectionate, haha, not so much anymore though, but it still makes me feel good wearing it.
6. Purple Third Day "Cry Out to Jesus" t-shirt - it's shrinking from the washing. *frown*

You'd think people would make fun of me or comment that they see me in the same clothes all the time, right?  Guess what, nobody said anything, not even my family who sees me every single day.  I'm not much of a "clothes person" anyway and I hate shopping.  Even before this challenge I had one pair of tennis shoes and one pair of black flats for special occasions and that's it.  I do love earrings though.

Tomorrow I'm wearing the maroon short-sleeve sweater and black pants to church, and Monday I'm wearing that mouse shirt one more time, and then the challenge and month is over.  

I kept a little journal of what I wore every day and any thoughts I had.  I only made three comments:

Last Saturday (the 19th) I wore the maroon short-sleeve sweater for just a little bit because the weather was warm, so by lunch I had changed for the rest of the day into the old Def Leppard t-shirt I've been wearing for a pajama top.  

Then on the 21st I was wearing the Cry Out To Jesus t-shirt and jeans when I went to my dentist appointment, and I ended up zipping my jacket all the way up so the dentist couldn't see my shirt because last time I went I had a "Jesus Loves Me" bracelet on that my daughter gave me and I was crying from nervousness and the dentist tapped on the bracelet and told me I should trust that Jesus could help me.  I didn't like being "lectured" by someone who has a "partner," if you know what I mean.  So I didn't want her to see my shirt Monday and then I find out only the hygienist was there for my cleaning.

Yesterday the 25th I was depressed and didn't leave the house so I wore my Def Leppard "pajamas" all day.

This was a fun challenge but I'm excited to get rid of that mouse shirt and to also start wearing different clothes!  I think I do have a lot of clothes that I don't even wear, but I think 10 outfits wouldn't be too extreme.  And if you want a new outfit, get rid of an old outfit so you always have 10.

Six Word Saturday (2/19/11)

Taking the bad with the good

I kind of feel  myself falling into a depression so I see more bad than good lately.

I guess I won't go into the bad because there's nothing anyone can do (not even my counselor - and I get mad at him for not helping me and then I backpedal so fast because I don't want him to hate me for being mad at him, gahhh).

The good ... yesterday I went to teacher conferences at my two youngest kids' school.  My son's handwriting has improved IMMENSELY.  I was astonished!  His teacher had a few other nice things about him to report, and it felt really good to hear.  Then my daughter's conference was interesting because the teacher lets each student tell their parent what's going on in class, using PowerPoint presentations (my daughter's only in 5th grade).  My daughter's teacher said she really caught on to use this computer program, and my daughter even added music and pictures to her slide show.  I was so impressed.  Well, considering I hardly ever see either of them do homework or crack a book to read, their grades were surprisingly good.

I feel really happy but at the same time another part of me is already trying to dissuade me.  I guess I'll always worry that they could be doing better or worry that other parents talk bad about my kids or me behind my back.  I don't know.

I just realized I've been putting "2010" on my 6WS posts so far this year, oops. How come y'all didn't say anything?!?!

And now another good thing!  Incourage.me had a giveaway sign-up for Valentine's Day, giving away 50 copies of the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and you had to sign up in the comments.  Yesterday I got an email from them that I was one of the fifty (out of 500+ sign-ups)!!!!!!!!  So I sent them my address and can't wait to read that book.  I also am getting a book from another blog -- a pastor in Tupelo (Ray Pritchard) was giving away copies of his book Anchor for the Soul.  His ministry (Keep Believing) gives away loads of those books to prisons and people all over the world.  I'm friends with him on Facebook and he's really cool!

Six Word Saturday (2/12/10)

I Am Sick Of Being Sick

When we got home from Santa Fe a couple days after Christmas, I had developed a problem with my right ear.  For two whole weeks I couldn't hear out of it at all.  Then all of a sudden one day it started to hurt SO BAD.  I mean, it felt like someone stabbed me in the ear and left the knife in.  It hurt continuously for hours no matter what I did for it, so I broke down and made a doctor's appointment for late that afternoon.  That, of course, caused me to panic because I'm really afraid of doctors.  My grandma (on my mother's side) used to be so scared of doctors that she wouldn't go even when she was gravely ill and ended up dying from a simple ulcer.  The day I went, though, God was with me because every single person I came in contact with - from the person who held the main door open for me to the actual doctor I saw - all expressed concern that I didn't look very well.  They all acted almost startled when they saw me and quickly asked if I was okay.  It sure helped my nerves hearing them be caring rather than everyone wanting to hurt me.  As if I weren't in enough pain, the doctor thought I should get my ear irrigated (and I hate having that done even when my ear DOESN'T hurt) but they put some kind of topical medicine in my ear that numbed the pain instantly as soon as they put it in.  It was heaven.  After my appointment I had to take medicine for a couple weeks, and then I was fine....

... for about five days.  Then I caught some weird cold thing from my husband.  He had been coughing for a week, and at first I thought he caught the thing I had just gotten over but his ears don't hurt.  And my husband won't go to the doctor (and doesn't want me to go to the doctor again) and wants us to just ride it out because he thinks we just have colds from the snowy weather last week.  But last night I couldn't get to sleep because my husband snores SO LOUD when he's sick, and he was congested and I could hear it in the back of his throat as he breathed and it was pretty gross.  He's buying a new "project car" today - the lady decided to take his offer after all, so I know he thinks he has to be tight with money to catch up to where we were in savings.  If anything starts hurting in my body though, I don't care how much he yells at me, I will go to the doctor.

Six Word Saturday (2/5/10)

I am quitting the Sims today

For most people this probably seems really trivial but I made a decision to quit playing the Sims, at least for a good while.  I had thought about just taking the game disc out of my computer and giving it to someone to hold for me so I wouldn't be tempted to play (but that would be embarrassing for me "can you hold this, I'm addicted to this") or putting a big scratch in it so it would NEVER be playable, but my husband would be hurt that I ruined a game he bought me plus I'm hoping someday when I get my life under control that I would be able to play again.  I'm kind of sad.

The reasons I liked playing:

1. I felt happy when my Sim would reach his lifetime "want" (like becoming a World Class Ballet Dancer or a Chief of Staff at a hospital, or even having six grandchildren).
   
2. I could name my Sim's baby girl "Claudia" and raise her vicariously through this Sim because I never got to raise my own.  I have dozens of Claudia's in different age stages in 14 towns on my Sims 2 game.
   
3. I could use a cheat code and kill off the Sims I didn't like or a Sim named after someone in real life just so I could kill them.  (It felt oddly satisfying, LOL.)
   
4. When I commanded a Sim child to do X, it did X!  Unlike my real life family.
   
5. When there was an attractive Sim out there, my Sim could get in a relationship with them - whereas in real life lately I haven't felt very happy in my relationship.

The reasons I'm quitting:

1. It is a big huge freaking time waster to play this game!
   
2. It's actually feeling very stressful and overwhelming - I have so many families in these towns, even with a list to keep track of them, I'll never get through them all because I get bored with them and make even more new people.
   
3. Nobody in real life is interested in the stories I have of my game play but they ARE interested in hearing about a book I read, a recipe I try, or a project I'm working on.
   
4. If I'm playing on the computer I'm not helping my family, and I decided I can't complain that my kids and husband don't need me or listen to me when I'm not there to be needed or listened to.
   
5. This house is too big to keep clean if I'm only going to work on it a little bit every day.  I would have more time to be meticulous if I didn't play Sims.  Even though my husband and kids say they don't care what the house looks like, I do, and I think deep down they would be pleased if everything was clean.
   
6. If I have to be on the computer, I want it to be mostly for work.  I'm praying my employer gets more work for me to do (it's slow from Oct-March).

So far this morning I have the population of 5 Sim towns deleted, so I have 9 to go.  I was actually thinking of a specific "quit date."  Like I could've quit on Claudia's day January 15, or maybe even a New Year's resolution thing, or tomorrow's President Reagan's birthday, but last night I was just so down on myself with anxiety about when to quit that I just decided, you know what, TOMORROW is it, February 5 is the day.  Nothing special about it.

Claudia

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."  John 13:7

Twenty-six years ago today I made the biggest mistake of my life.  I like this verse that Caroline had on her blog after her m/c.  Except 26 years later I still don't get it but because of this verse I can be hopeful that someday I will.  Matthew West's pretty song All The Broken Pieces also bugs me for the same reason.

For a long time I wished I could go back in a time machine and do that day over and make a different choice.  Just recently I have realized that even if I did go back to 1985 I would be the same stupid pushover girl I was when I was 17.  I mean, I still do stuff EVEN NOW that I don't WANT to do so that people don't get mad at me.  But this realization finally mutes the string of "if-onlys" that I constantly had in my head.

The only things I have planned for today is the monthly meeting with the Rachel's Vineyard people (yeah, January's meeting falls on Claudia's day) and then tonight my husband's taking us out to eat, and even though he doesn't really know that today is THE day (although he does know I had an abortion in my past), in my heart I can say this is a special dinner to remember Claudia with.  Editing to add:  This is awesome, the sweet person from the Wishing Tree website sent the photo of Claudia's name a few minutes ago.  I sent a request in after I saw Jordan and Carleigh's.  You can see Claudia's here.

I've completed a big project to commemorate Claudia's day!  I'm sure it won't mean much to anyone else but since I'm interested in music (specifically 80's music), I typed a huge list!  My husband had gotten an inter-library loan of the book Billboard's Hot 100 Charts - The Eighties (top 100 list for every week from 1/1/80 to 12/31/89).  And for the past 12 weeks (October 26 to today, Claudia's lifespan) I've typed each week's 100 songs.  I think it's kind of cool.  Remember that goofy song by Wham, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go?  At the beginning of her life, it was #6 on the charts and by the end it had dropped to #55.  I mention that song specifically because it's ironic they're dancing around in CHOOSE LIFE t-shirts.  (Another funny thing, in 1984 when the video came out, people were actually debating whether George Michael was gay or not.)

I love you, Claudia!

New year

At the end of my appointment today, my counselor said next week we could talk about the 15th (Claudia's day) if I wanted to.  It made me feel really good that he remembered.  I will find out if he thinks I should go to that Rachel's Vineyard meeting.  I also might do a remembrance thing with him for Claudia at my next appointment on the 12th.  I'm kind of wondering if this should be the last time (concentrating on her).  I'm not just missing her on January 15, I miss her other times too and sometimes even want to go to heaven so I can see her (when I'm really depressed).  I get stuck in this grief though, and in the meantime I don't notice people still living who are caring about me.

For my "New Year's Resolution," I'm doing another reading plan on Blue Letter Bible.  I did it successfully once before in 2008.