Just venting... Next month I'm going back home for my parents' anniversary. Although I'm excited about hopefully seeing some old friends, I'm nervous about seeing my family. I'm missing how I had been able to shove all my feelings down for years and years, because ever since my hysterectomy and being in counseling so long, it feels like the band-aid's ripped off (which hid my ab) and every little thing hurts me.
I can't even hope everyone will be nice to me. My family shows love by "teasing," even though things they said would hurt me and then I'd get basically scolded for being sensitive. I keep having these fantasies in my head where I finally have enough of their shit and say, "You know what, I'd just rather not see or speak to any of you again. See you in Heaven." The only reason it would shake them up is because they wouldn't have their dupe to make fun of anymore.
My paternal grandmother wasn't allowed to be around us kids when we were little because she was crazy. My father only told us ONE good childhood memory of her, otherwise it was known that she was a horrible mother who couldn't get out of bed and take care of her house or kids, and my grandfather always put her in the hospital (mental) when he got sick of it. She died when I was 12 and I got to see her in the hospital but I was too scared to hug her because she was portrayed as a monster my whole life. And after she died my mother told us that she was screaming that she "killed the baby" and other crazy stuff during the last days in the hospital and my aunt (her daughter) disclosed that my grandma had an illegal ab after her 3rd child. Now when I was 12, that made me hate her even more!!! And I never even gave my grandmother a single thought till I went on the Rachel's Vineyard retreat and hearing everyone else's story made me think "even my grandmother could be here telling HER story" so I did forgive her right then and there. But does anybody see how messed up it is that the very thing my father is angry and ashamed at his mother for is EXACTLY what they're doing to me? I'm looked at like the crazy one now.
I wish my parents would admit that having me get an abortion was the wrong thing to do. I wish that they would say I'm a good mother and they misjudged me and I would have been a good mother to Claudia then too. My mother keeps saying that my grandmother "did the best she could" when I ask her if having a messy house or wild kids meant my grandmother was a bad mother. If my mother didn't think she was a bad mother, though, wouldn't she just say "no"?
Anyway I found out on a genealogy forum where my grandmother's buried and when I'm home I'm going out there to bring her some flowers and tell her I'm not ashamed of her and I'm sorry.
Your poor grandmother - she was obviously too depressed to get out of bed. I have been that depressed before, too. I hope she knows from heaven that you forgive her and are taking her flowers.
ReplyDeleteI will pray that your trip goes OK. (((HUGS)))