Claudia's Letter from the Retreat

This is like really personal but I will share the letter I wrote to Claudia for the memorial service at the retreat.  Like I mentioned in my other post, I was really pleased with how it turned out.  (The letter from the first retreat I went to wasn't very good so I never shared it on here.)  The thing I was dealing with in this retreat (and even before I went) is that I knew in advance we were going to have to put our little bereavement dolls in the cradle at the end of the service and I was panicked about it.  I was feeling like the "doll Claudia" (or even the real Claudia back in 1985) was scared the same way I used to be scared to be in a hospital having surgery as a child.  I wanted to reassure "doll Claudia"/real Claudia in the same way that I wish I had been reassured by my mother.  

Since my first memorial letter was weird and written by my current self, this time I was trying just to write the letter as coming from my 17-year-old self.  And I think it turned out fabulous and healing for all of us: current me, 17-year-old me, child me, "doll Claudia," and real Claudia.  Standing up there in front of everyone and reading it, I cried so much but I wasn't that embarrassed because it was totally from my heart and for Claudia.

Dear Claudia,

I deeply regret that I pushed you out of my mind for so many years.  I would've been a good mother to you.  I would've loved you with my whole heart.  I do love you now and I'm always gonna think about you till the day I die.  Even though you aren't here with me, you'll be in my heart.

I can't wait to see you someday in Heaven.  I bet time will go quick for you.  Jesus will take good care of you so don't worry.  I'm sorry you got hurt.

You are so important to me.  I wanted you and I wish I had fought harder for you.

I can't say goodbye because it hurts too much, so I'm saying see you soon.

I love you Claudia.  Everything's gonna be OK.

Love,

Mommy