Six Word Saturday (1/26/13)

Reading Some Books and Watching TV

I finished that book "Replay" by Ken Grimwood.  For the first few chapters of the book, the author used a moderate amount of profanity.  I wouldn't have minded it in the dialogue but he also used it in descriptive narrative and it was very distracting.  The guy in the story dies on October 18, 1988, and instead of Heaven he finds himself back in 1963 as his 18-year-old self.  When 10/18/88 rolls around again, he dies again, and starts back in 1963 again.  Having to live the same 25 years of his life all the time, he begins experimenting - one round he has orgies and takes drugs, another round he's amazingly rich (from betting on sports outcomes he knew from previous rounds), still another time he is a recluse living off the land.  One reviewer on Amazon had mentioned that it was a modern-day Ecclesiastes, because the guy finds out life can be pretty pointless no matter what your circumstances.  As I mentioned in my post last week, this book kind of helped me see that no matter what I do (or what I kick myself for NOT doing), things still happen.

So now I've been reading "Chromosome 6" by Robin Cook for the past few days.  I had read most of it about 16 years ago and it's one of those books that you never forget.  The main part of the story is a science center in Africa that houses bonobos (like chimpanzees but the closest thing genetically to humans) who each have a human chromosome deliberately to match to a specific human (in this case, rich people who don't want to wait for a human for transplant purposes).  It's all kind of controlled by the mafia as well, so there's a lot of threats and suspense and killing.  I had read most of it when I was living in Orlando back when I was going through a depression after my second divorce.  I was put on Prozac for three months and would read it during my commute to the psychiatrist, and I couldn't sleep at night because of the medicine.  When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares about bonobos - specifically, what if the mafia had set up a bonobo for me in real life when I was born and she was in Africa somewhere waiting to get slaughtered if I needed a liver transplant?  (Sheesh, I get chills even typing that.)  But that's why I never finished the book back then.  I got it for Christmas last month from my sister-in-law so I'm going to read it all.

About TV ... I had started watching this new series with Matthew Perry called "Go On," about a sports radio announcer who is a recent widower, and he goes to group therapy for grief issues.  The first several episodes were very good - the therapy parts were interesting and the other characters in the therapy group had their own little quirks for the show.  He would talk to his wife in a figment of his imagination too.  Then last week, a woman starts going to the therapy group (and the story is that she used to go to the group a long time ago, and everyone else remembered and loved her).  Matthew's character hates her through almost the entire episode, and then SOMEHOW things started clicking with them and it shows them in bed together at a house of one of the therapy group members and the rest of the group is there!  The girl gets up and walks around naked (pixelated on TV) in front of them.  It made no sense that he would sleep with her when (a) he was still grieving about his wife and (b) he hated this girl!  I'm not a prude or anything but it just wasn't realistic to me at all and I'm disappointed because the group therapy was interesting up to that point and I felt like I was learning something.  But, no, they have to turn it into "Friends" and ruin the only show I've watched on TV since Frasier was on.  (Incidentally, the ONE episode I ever watched of "Friends" was when Rachel had her baby - and Matthew Perry's character and his girlfriend, the brunette one, spent Rachel's entire labor having sex in different parts of the hospital.)  Stupid.

Six Word Saturday (1/19/13)

28 Years and I'm Doing Okay

Sunday I went to a Catholic church with one of the girls from the Saturday get-together.  I liked it and felt really calm.  (When I talked to my counselor about it later in the week, I was actually happy about going.  It used to really bother me that my ex-Sunday school teacher and the directors of the place I volunteered at and other hard-nosed Baptists would hate me for stupid things like being divorced or not being baptized, stuff that happened before they met me).  But knowing their criticism about Catholics, NOW I feel like they have a GOOD reason to hate me and I feel a lot better, like I don't have to try to get them to like me anymore.

I had hoped I could see my counselor on Tuesday (Claudia's day) but he couldn't fit me in.  I spent the majority of the day reading a book called Replay.  It's what the movie Groundhog Day was loosely based on.  You know the part of the movie where he kept trying different things (every time he had a "new" same day) to keep that homeless man alive, and the guy dies every time anyway?  The man in this book also tries to alter history too (specifically JFK assassination) and no matter what he does, it still happens.

For a long time I was obsessed with the Back to the Future movies because I'd want to go back to 1985 in a time machine and do things differently.  But now I know I would've been the same pushover 17-year-old so I would've made the same mistakes, just to please other people.  BUT after only reading half of this book, I can also now see that maybe if I did have the strength to resist everything and be furious and violent ... it's possible I would've gotten overpowered even more by people, even physically forced, and the abortion would have happened anyway, no matter what I did.

At any rate, a few minutes after midnight right when it became the 15th I went on Facebook and posted the video for "Livin' Thing" by ELO.  (There's a big debate whether the song's about abortion.)  I guess I was being passive-aggressive and hoping my parents/sister would know what the song meant and why I just happened to post it on that day and would think "oh-my-goodness we're not getting away with pretending it never happened after all."

Six Word Saturday (1/12/13)

We're Getting Back Into The Routine

Winter break for my kids ended earlier this week and they went back to school Wednesday.  They are already counting the days till Martin Luther King Day, their next day off.

Monday I watched the neighbors' kid so I planned a few things to do so he didn't end up watching TV or playing video games all day.  He and my daughter went with me to the library where I checked out two books on my "to-read" list:  Forgotten God by Francis Chan and Replay by Grimwood.  The librarian was very surprised that I hadn't used my card since 2007 (long story but my kids used to be uncontrollable monsters when they were younger so we never went anywhere).  We went to Burger King's drive-thru and got four chicken nuggets kids meals (one for me, LOL).  The employee at the window was super nice to me.  Then when we exited the parking lot, some nice person in a red car motioned for me to be let into traffic in front of them.  Very nice!

After we ate our meals at home, we went to the cheap movie theater and watched Hotel Transylvania.  My husband had taken the kids to see it when it first came out in October and he liked it so I thought it was going to be good.  I'm getting really tired of computer animated movies though.  The best line from the movie, I thought, was when Drac (the dad vampire) was walking through a costume festival humans were having, and a human dressed like a vampire was talking to him and kept saying, "Bleh-bleh!"  And Drac was all put out and insisted, "We never SAY that!"

So far this year I've been reading Chromosome 6 by Robin Cook.  I had read it many years ago when I lived in Orlando, and at Christmas I received a copy from my sister-in-law.  (I also have been reading the Chan book since I got it Monday.)  I signed up for another B90 (reading through the Bible in 90 days) which started on the 1st.  And my goal this year was to give away/throw away one thing every day, which I'm still sticking with and writing down each item so I have a record of them.

This afternoon the Rachel's Vineyard coordinators are having a get-together (potluck and praying).  It's for anyone who has been to a retreat, not just the participants of my second retreat like last month.  I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and being able to relax and be myself and not have to hide anything!

Six Word Saturday (1/5/13)

Let It Snow, Let It Snow!

It had been a really mild winter, more like the winters I remembered from when I first moved here in '97 - where it would snow for maybe 10 minutes on Christmas Eve just to be nice and that was all.  I thought it was going to be another year like that because even at Christmas it never snowed, but then January 3 my husband called me from work and told me to look outside!  Yuck!  And it snowed so much that day that we ended up getting 3.5 inches.

The kids really liked playing in it, the dogs didn't like it AT ALL, and within 24 hours it was gone.  I stayed inside and finished reading my first book of 2013 called "Until Tuesday," about an Iraq War veteran with PTSD and his assistance dog, a golden retriever named Tuesday.

Six Word Saturday (12/29/12)

It's The Last Saturday of 2012

Highlights:

• In May we got an 8-year-old rescue dog named Princess
• In June our 17-year-old beagle Madison died
• In August I quit volunteering at Bible Studies By Mail
• In September my friend Nancy died of lung cancer
• Also in September we got to see the space shuttle fly over in its final journey to retirement
• In October my father had a quadruple bypass and all my family-of-origin relationships deteriorated
• In November I went on my second Rachel's Vineyard retreat
• This month around Christmas my son and his wife briefly visited us

Best of 2012:

Movie - "Marilyn Hotchkiss Ballroom Dancing & Charm School"

I realize it's a 7-year-old movie and I've probably written about it other times, but this year it has made an impact on me.  You can watch it on YouTube (the first of 11 is here) if you can ignore the words that pop up in the middle of the screen all the time.  The synopsis from the movie's YouTube channel:  Frank Keene, a grieving baker in a near catatonic state, happens on a car accident. The loquacious and insightful victim, Steve Mills, is on his way to an appointment in Pasadena with a years-ago acquaintance; he asks Frank to go in his place. It's a dance class. Frank goes, to find Steve's friend. The story moves back and forth among Steve's childhood, the scene of the accident, and the aftermath of Frank's first Lindy hop.

And here is what I say!  There are some good ideas in that movie about death and grief and moving on.  Steve Mills lost his life but through meeting him Frank Keene started his.  You get to see Frank slowly make changes to his life, changes that didn't include his wife's memory or looking back, etc.  He was a new Frank, not "Frank, Rita's husband" and not "Frank the Miserable Widower" either.  Can I, should I, will I get to be a new Debbie, like how he's a new Frank?  It's like I finally get it.   I can be me now and I want to be me now.

Book - "Cross Roads" by Wm. Paul Young

I really liked this book from the author of "The Shack."  There are probably different conclusions that other people make from reading this book, but what I came away from it with is this:  Everyone has value.  God can use anyone, no matter how miniscule the action would be.  I mean, God uses the main character most of all, and he's in a coma 99% of the book, for Pete's sake!  So, yeah, we can walk around thinking we're not making a bit of difference in people's lives but the truth is, yes, we are.  You probably won't get to see it "this side of Heaven" unless someone makes a point of telling you how important a specific action from you was, but now after reading this book, I'm convinced we all do little teeny tiny things that you just have no idea God works them into other people's lives.  Even the tiny bad things.  This book healed my heart a lot because of how I interpreted it.  Everyone (every one) has value.

Happy New Year!

Claudia's Letter from the Retreat

This is like really personal but I will share the letter I wrote to Claudia for the memorial service at the retreat.  Like I mentioned in my other post, I was really pleased with how it turned out.  (The letter from the first retreat I went to wasn't very good so I never shared it on here.)  The thing I was dealing with in this retreat (and even before I went) is that I knew in advance we were going to have to put our little bereavement dolls in the cradle at the end of the service and I was panicked about it.  I was feeling like the "doll Claudia" (or even the real Claudia back in 1985) was scared the same way I used to be scared to be in a hospital having surgery as a child.  I wanted to reassure "doll Claudia"/real Claudia in the same way that I wish I had been reassured by my mother.  

Since my first memorial letter was weird and written by my current self, this time I was trying just to write the letter as coming from my 17-year-old self.  And I think it turned out fabulous and healing for all of us: current me, 17-year-old me, child me, "doll Claudia," and real Claudia.  Standing up there in front of everyone and reading it, I cried so much but I wasn't that embarrassed because it was totally from my heart and for Claudia.

Dear Claudia,

I deeply regret that I pushed you out of my mind for so many years.  I would've been a good mother to you.  I would've loved you with my whole heart.  I do love you now and I'm always gonna think about you till the day I die.  Even though you aren't here with me, you'll be in my heart.

I can't wait to see you someday in Heaven.  I bet time will go quick for you.  Jesus will take good care of you so don't worry.  I'm sorry you got hurt.

You are so important to me.  I wanted you and I wish I had fought harder for you.

I can't say goodbye because it hurts too much, so I'm saying see you soon.

I love you Claudia.  Everything's gonna be OK.

Love,

Mommy

My Anger Letter from Retreat

During the retreat, we had an anger exercise where you pick one person you are still mad at and write them a letter for 15 minutes, which you don't have to send to them but you could share with the rest of the group that weekend.  I've been so mad at her lately about other things that I didn't want to start it off with "Dear Mom" because that seemed too friendly.  Here's what I wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm angry at you for not helping me when I was pregnant.  I'm angry that you think you know what's best for everyone including me, and you won't accept me as I am.  I'm angry that you have to be so smug and aloof all the time.  When I'm sad, you act impatient.  I hate that everyone thinks you're a perfect mom.  You do everything perfect and right but you don't love me.  I used to hate myself because I wasn't as good of mom as you, but at least I love my kids and I tell them!

You attributed a lot of signs* about my day at the abortion clinic to God for some sick reason and I hate you for that.  I know they were from the pit of hell.  God wouldn't have wanted my baby stolen from me.  [This is all I had time to write.]

*These were the signs:

1. She tried calling the pastor of her church for advice about my pregnancy.  He was on vacation out of state, so she told me that was a "sign" that an abortion was the right thing to do.
2. The weather had been horrible (blizzards) the whole three days before the abortion date.  But the day we went, the highway to Rockford was completely free of snow, so she told me that was a "sign" that an abortion was the right thing to do.
3. (The sickest one) The abortion doctor came into the recovery room afterwards and told me that my family doctor (the one who actually made the appointment for me at this clinic) was a friend of his and they went to medical school together, and my mother also thought that was a "sign" that an abortion was the right thing to do.

I think it did help to write this letter even though I'll never send it.  If I ever did send it, she would self-righteously protest that she was doing what was best for me, in her know-it-all way.