Session today and getting nervous about Friday

I go to my retreat on Friday.  My husband is going to take me out there so I don't have to worry about driving on the highway.  The main lady from the retreat told me today they almost had to cancel it because there were only three people going, but apparently a fourth person signed up today.  Even though I know the other women there will have basically the same story as me, I'm upset about sharing mine.  We'll see how it goes.  I really am looking forward to spending some time away.  I'm also going as a "fact-finding mission" and going to take lots of notes for my counselor about what we did at the retreat.  He has been so supportive and excited for me about going to this retreat, I almost feel like he's going along with me.

On the way to my appointment this morning, I listened to the first three songs from Third Day's new album "Move" for the first time. It was impossible to be in a bad mood or worried or any mood but happy and uplifted, wow!

Well, I talked to my counselor about this weekend, and how I'm scared of having to talk about something that happened that I wish never happened.  He was trying to help me re-write the scene, except at first I didn't understand HOW we could do it.  I couldn't say (in the rewritten scene) "I don't want to do this" and walk out of the clinic and now be the mother of a 26-year-old.  I can't re-write anything that physically happened.  It took me a while to understand this, because what else could I re-write then?

I'm not sure of the order he said this in, but he told me I could re-write a part where I could be able to tell Claudia I'm sorry I'm a bad mom and I love her and tell her how terrifying it was for me to have a doctor saying I'd die if I continued the pregnancy and to have my parents treating me like a leper with AIDS and withholding their love.  (But actually in 1985 I don't remember telling Claudia anything, I was like a deer in the headlights or a cow being led to the slaughter basically).  But, yes, saying it out loud to Claudia today felt very nice and peaceful.  My counselor also said that even though her physical body isn't here because she lives in heaven, I could carry her spirit and heart with me.  I'm not sure how biblical that is but again it was such a lovely thought even though I couldn't actually feel anything.  

He was also trying to help me see that I do still have a connection with her.  He said that when I feel overwhelming guilt about what happened, I tend to lose that connection with her and that's where I get in the loop of "I wish this never happened/I want to change it but I can't," and he said the shame should remind me that I need to attempt reconnecting with her by letting her know how I feel.  (To me it feels like it should be the opposite - I feel guilty for what I've done and Claudia wouldn't want me to talk to her.)  This made so much sense to me, and I sincerely thanked him when I left today.

I have a surprise coming up on Sunday that I'm really excited about.  Just so I don't jinx it, I'll wait till after the retreat to write about it.  But knowing someone thinks I'm that important to do this for me makes me feel pretty special.  I'm trying not to worry that something will mess it up.  Also, when I try to find information about what happens at these retreats, hardly anything detailed comes up in Google.  So I wonder if it's supposed to be a big secret like the recipe for Famous Amos cookies or something.  If there's no confidentiality agreement (as far as exercises or events during the retreat), I will post about them.

Intake

I had been playing phone tag for about a week with the lady from Rachel's Vineyard retreat for the intake form, and I've been just so obsessed and worried about what kind of questions she was going to ask me.  So yesterday I wrote to the main lady and she said she herself would help me with it today and told me to try not to worry.  So I talked to the main lady on the phone today and she went through all the questions - how many abs I've had, the date of my ab, how old I was, if I'm married, how many kids I have and their ages, if I'm on medication, any special physical needs (I said I have a hard time with stairs because of my hip and back).  Then she asked what religion I was and any food preferences I had.  And that was pretty much it.  She said she'd be sending me in regular mail a map and a list of stuff to bring.

I told my counselor yesterday that I was so nervous about this intake thing because I was so hesitant to tell my "story" again.  I guess to be honest I don't really like talking about it because at this point in my life telling people about it makes me feel like I'm losing Claudia all over again.  The retreat is 15 days from now.

Six Word Saturday (10/2/10)

So do they or don't they?

Cue the cheesy music

Today I'm going to a luncheon at my Sunday school teacher's house.  We had the Global Impact Celebration (honoring missionaries) this week at church, and last night our class served the big dinner.  And today the missionary to Morocco is going to be talking at their house.

I just don't think anyone in my class really cares if I go or not.  Two of the women (related to the teacher) are pregnant now, one of them just had a baby recently, and for some reason it's so painful being around them.  After I got done helping out at the dinner last night, I got in my car to drive home and I screamed and cried the whole way.  The "mean" part of me wants to say that these people apparently wrote the book on families and they're perfect and know everything.  The nice (but devastated) part of me wants to say I sincerely wish I had been part of their family.  Instead, what did I get from my family?

First pregnancy - nobody was supportive of me, the doctor scared me saying I would die if I had it, my parents were ashamed of me, my sister acted really hateful and said "she can't take care of herself let alone a baby" (which haunts me TO THIS DAY).

Second pregnancy - the only reason why my first husband wanted me to get pregnant was so his family wouldn't find out he was gay.  He was a drunk and never helped me with the baby financially or otherwise!

Third pregnancy - my current husband wouldn't even ADMIT I was pregnant till he saw the sex-determining ultrasound when I was almost six months pregnant!  Way to be excited, DUMB ***!

Fourth (last) pregnancy - my current husband thought it was too soon to have a baby again since our daughter was only 8 months old.  He hinted around that we could "try again" when she was older.  Gee, wonder what that insinuates about the baby I was already pregnant with?

It's like nobody takes an interest in my kids, nobody supports me or tells me I'm doing a good job.  Well, my counselor has been encouraging me (in a subtle way, so subtle that 99% of the time I almost miss it).

Anyway, getting back to the six words ... I guess I feel since people from my past were never happy for me being a mother that I contemplate the people I know now aren't either.  I feel too scared to ask if I can hold one of their babies because I think they'll say no.  I guess I'm thinking they think I'm a bad mom, for the simple reason that they never say I'm a good one.  So then I start feeling like maybe they don't really even want me around.

Six Word Saturday (9/18/10)

I can't think of six words!

So much has gone on with me in the last few days and I don't really know where to start.

I guess the first thing, I went to the dentist to get a filling Thursday.  I had Xanax and even nitrous (laughing gas).  I remember almost the whole appointment so I don't think the Xanax worked very well, and I never felt "light" or high or anything with the laughing gas so that was a total dud and waste of money.  I had headphones on and Def Leppard cranked but I could still hear the sounds although not as loud.  And, to be rather blunt, the device they use to remove saliva from your mouth really, really triggered me about my abortion.  Except it felt so odd to be saying to myself, "That sound is just like .." and at the same time not even caring or feeling anything emotionally about it due to the Xanax.  But I tell you one thing - I'm not going to the dentist again until something starts HURTING in my mouth.  I'm angry and I guess traumatized, and I'm vowing not even to go for cleanings.  The only blessing about the whole experience was that my husband took the day off and was actually really caring towards me afterwards (made me soup, popped DVD's in for me to watch in bed, let me sleep, and picked up the kids from the bus).

Also, I ended up getting in contact with my friend Becky on Facebook afterall.  I wrote her how much I missed her and how I compare all my friends to how she treated me, blah blah blah.  And she accepted my friend invite on Facebook and wrote me back, saying she couldn't place me till she saw where I was from and then she vaguely remembered me.  God, it hurts so much.  (I know I'm 43 but I feel like the little girl in this picture.)

Anyway, on to the last thing, I sent a check in to reserve my place at a Rachel's Vineyard retreat here in town on 10/22.  I guess the biggest thing I'm scared of is that my attempts at recovering from my experience are overkill.  I'm already in weekly counseling and I've done a structured recovery group and have read several books.  The only positive thing I know is that my counselor thinks it would be a great thing for me to go on this retreat.  I wish I knew how to say how good it feels (like having your heart sail off in a cheerfully colored hot-air balloon) when my counselor supports something I want to do or when he knows what I'm talking about or likes something that I like.

One down, eleven to go

In early August I read a cool blog post about setting a low goal.  Her example was a goal to read one Bible verse a day for a month, hee-hee!  Then the next month, reading one verse would be a piece of cake so you could do two verses that month, and so on, and by the end of a year you’ll be reading 12.

So I decided to set a low goal and start on August 15, and my low goal was to read one Bible chapter a day (since I love to read anyway and one verse wouldn’t be very satisfying).  And I’m happy to report that I completed this low goal!  As I've been saying, I've been reading Job (and actually some days I read more than one chapter).  And today I’m going to start a different low goal in another area of my life (it has to do with housework, ICK!) in addition to keeping up with the one Bible chapter a day habit.   Then for October I’m thinking about a low goal for my physical/health side.

By the way, I haven’t watched Dora the Explorer in about five years so could someone enlighten me what Swiper has to do with their inspirational post?  My guess is he steals things, so you don't want  him to steal your enthusiasm or something?

I found Becky

When I was a sophomore in high school, I went to see Lisa Whelchel (she played "Blair" on Facts of Life) who was then a Christian singer and motivational speaker.  I started going to the youth group of the church that sponsored her concert and I made a really good friend at that youth group whose name was Becky.  We were together so much in church that people started calling me "Becky" and her "Debbie."  We kept in contact after we graduated from high school and saw each other a lot after I got my first job.  Then I moved to Florida when I was 22.  The last time I really talked to her on the phone was when my oldest son was about 2 (so almost 17 years ago).

I have never forgotten her.  I compare my "friends" now to her.  I miss feeling loved like that.  I had my sister get some old pictures from my parents' house when she went for Labor Day weekend and she was supposed to get the one of me and Becky when we were 16, except my mom is a spaz and gave her the one of me and LISA when we were 17.  So for the past week or so I've been really down.  I know I'll never get to see Becky again so I really, really wanted that picture and it depressed me that I had nothing to remember her by.  I've been praying even though I feel selfish about it (but God already knows what you're feeling even before you pray it, you know, so why not tell him) that I find Becky somehow because I really miss her friendship and love, and I even prayed a halfhearted "okay, if You could find someone EXACTLY LIKE HER, that would be okay too, I guess."  And just last night, I know this sounds crazy but I even prayed that it would be okay if Jesus was my only friend as long as I felt loved like that and as long as God didn't think I was insane for talking to him too much.

So today I was goofing around on Google and put in Becky's maiden name and where she graduated from high school and miraculously a page came up from her alumni group with names and email addresses of 1985 grads (and hers was on it!).  But I'm too scared to email her, because I wasn't 100% sure it was her, so then I plunked that email address into Google and found a few posts she made on a forum and she mentioned her husband so now I know 99% sure it's her.  And for kicks, since everyone's on Facebook these days, I searched her email address on Facebook AND SHE IS ON THERE!!!!  All I'm allowed to see is her profile picture but it's definitely HER!!!!

I'm kind of nervous that she wouldn't want to hear from me after all this time, and "you can't go home again" and what if she doesn't love me like that anymore, either.  So I'm kind of scared and haven't done anything with this info yet, but I guess I will pray about how worried I am that she wouldn't want to hear from me.  I mean, I'll more than likely never get to see her in person unless she comes to New Mexico.  But I told my husband that I think I found her and that I probably will want an unlimited minutes plan on my cell phone pretty soon because I could still call her all the time (if she likes me).  I'm scared but happy.

Six Word Saturday (9/11/10)

It's still scary nine years later

I'm not going to write very much about the feelings I had on that day in 2001 because where death is concerned I tend to get stuck and it's very hard to get out of those feelings.

On that day, I was reading emails from the May/June 1998 brides group I belonged to, and someone emailed that an airplane hit the World Trade Center in New York.  (Till that point I never knew those two buildings were called that.)  I turned on the news and a few minutes later the second plane hit.  The thing I remember most is all the people jumping.  I had nightmares about it for a long time afterward.  When I was awake, I obsessed about it -- "Were they scared?"  "Did it hurt?"  "Are they in Heaven?" "Do they see Claudia and my grandma?"  By the time I started counseling, almost six years had gone by and I still talked about it.  I wondered in one session, what if there was a really mean greedy CEO of a company on one of the top floors who had to jump, and could he have said, "God, please save me," and what chance did he have of getting to Heaven because he basically only lived 100% for God for the 23 seconds it took his body to fall to the pavement?

Well, that's all I can write.

God is everywhere, all the time, even in burning towers with people jumping out of them.  I've been reading in Job lately, and even in his worst times Job basically says that people think they have it so good but don't have God in their life and that he'd rather have nothing as long as he had God with him.  Like he is the leaf and God is the stream the leaf's floating in, and maybe things are calm or maybe things are violent, but God is still there so Job trusts God that everything's okay.  I still don't understand why terrorists attacked but God knows all about this and He saw everything that day and I'm trying to trust that God knows what's going to happen next.  And He will be with us then too.