Step 1 was my introduction – my name, how old I am now, how old I was when it happened, the problems issues I have (extreme anger with the people involved and new grief triggered from hysterectomy in 2006), what I hoped to get out of the group (meet people who will care about me and understand when I'm sad, work through anger and grief issues).
Step 2 was the story of how I got pregnant, what it was like when I was pregnant, how the decision was made, etc. It was hard to re-live all those memories and write about them and I was amazed how many details I actually could recall even after all this time.
Step 3 was listing what influences were in place at the time and who/what had a part in the decision (assign each person a percentage, totaling to 100). This was my list:
Angie (the girl who introduced me to the guy, Ron, who hurt me and got me pregnant) – 1%. If she hadn't set me up with him, this whole thing wouldn't have happened.
Ron – 10%. I had no idea he was going to hurt me. This date ruined my life and especially my dreams, and he walked away scot-free.
Peers - 4% Everyone made a big deal out of having a boyfriend and I felt left out and desperate.
God - 3% God could've blessed me with a decent boyfriend. God could've had me miscarry. God could've made my parents more receptive to the baby.
Mother - 15% She treated my pregnancy like a JOKE at first. She then treated my pregnancy like a gross disease. She wouldn't speak to me till I gave in.
My sister Diane - 10% She hated me for 5 years before this happened. I felt like she'd like me again if I did it. Also it hurt all the way to my soul, permanently, when she said "She can't take care of herself, let alone a baby."
Father - 15% He was more concerned what the town thought than my feelings! He loved the glory he got from my really successful brothers and didn't want me to ruin it! He was really angry with me and I just didn't want him to be angry anymore.
Youth group leaders at loud friendly church - 10% They talked so big about me having the baby but didn't do ANYTHING to help me except one stupid phone call.
Dr. Ford - 20% Dr. Ford made fun of me for "lying" that I only had sex that one time; Dr. Ford knew the abortion doctor personally and I think he pushed for abortion partly because of that; Dr. Ford scared me saying that I would die if I continued the pregnancy.
Health - 1% Because for some reason back then I didn't want to die.
Finances - 1% I didn't have a job and I was still in school and my parents said they wouldn't help.
Me - 10% I didn't hide the letter I wrote to Becky well enough; I didn't protest enough; I wanted people to be happy with me and not hate me.
Clinic I didn't put any blame down for the clinic I went to. I don't think I should. I feel like I should but I can't even dredge up a reason. I can't say "they didn't warn me about the after-effects" because I went into it as a medical procedure and so did my parents. I can't blame the doctor at the clinic for doing his job.
God - 3% God could've blessed me with a decent boyfriend. God could've had me miscarry. God could've made my parents more receptive to the baby.
Mother - 15% She treated my pregnancy like a JOKE at first. She then treated my pregnancy like a gross disease. She wouldn't speak to me till I gave in.
My sister Diane - 10% She hated me for 5 years before this happened. I felt like she'd like me again if I did it. Also it hurt all the way to my soul, permanently, when she said "She can't take care of herself, let alone a baby."
Father - 15% He was more concerned what the town thought than my feelings! He loved the glory he got from my really successful brothers and didn't want me to ruin it! He was really angry with me and I just didn't want him to be angry anymore.
Youth group leaders at loud friendly church - 10% They talked so big about me having the baby but didn't do ANYTHING to help me except one stupid phone call.
Dr. Ford - 20% Dr. Ford made fun of me for "lying" that I only had sex that one time; Dr. Ford knew the abortion doctor personally and I think he pushed for abortion partly because of that; Dr. Ford scared me saying that I would die if I continued the pregnancy.
Health - 1% Because for some reason back then I didn't want to die.
Finances - 1% I didn't have a job and I was still in school and my parents said they wouldn't help.
Me - 10% I didn't hide the letter I wrote to Becky well enough; I didn't protest enough; I wanted people to be happy with me and not hate me.
Clinic I didn't put any blame down for the clinic I went to. I don't think I should. I feel like I should but I can't even dredge up a reason. I can't say "they didn't warn me about the after-effects" because I went into it as a medical procedure and so did my parents. I can't blame the doctor at the clinic for doing his job.
I can remember these own parts from my counseling. I had to make a responsibility pie that was divided into who I thought was responsible.
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