Structured recovery group (steps 7-9)

Step 7 was Reviewing my journey:

Positive statement about myself: I think I am a loving helpful person who is sensitive to other people's feelings. I can't really think of any positive way that I've changed since the abortion.

I only have a little anger left towards my parents and sister about the abortion but I won't actually be discussing it with them because they pretend it never happened.

The self-punishing behavior I still have is being critical of myself and feeling like everyone is judging me about everything. I don't really know what to do about it but I am going to counseling.

Things that are triggers for me: anyone related to me who is having a baby or even others who I don't know who are about the age I was who are having a baby, anyone who gushes about being pregnant. Future triggers probably will be when my daughter or sons' partners first get pregnant, I know I will worry they will make a bad choice. Adding: DENTISTS! Having really loud music on headphones and maybe asking for Xanax ahead of time.

My mantra is from counseling (so to you it might not seem helpful but it is for me) – Claudia loves me and she forgives me and understands why I made that choice.


Things I will do on anniversary dates in the future: For the past two years I've finally been able to acknowledge my baby even existed and I can even say I'm her mother, so thanks to counseling I don't have to keep her a secret from myself. I want to remember the baby not the procedure. I think that will help me a lot.

Step 8 was writing about the loss of my potential baby.

The fantasies about my baby: I thought (years before the abortion) we would be inseparable and we would love each other. In my journal I keep getting upset because I can't remember ever thinking of the baby as "a baby" during the weeks I was pregnant because everyone treated me being pregnant like an extremely bad shameful thing. For about 18 months after the abortion I remember nightly crying so hard I would get sick and screaming I'm sorry (to the baby, who all of a sudden I did then think of as "a baby"). After that I shoved all my feelings down until a couple years ago when my counselor told me I was allowed to think of her as "a baby" and as a good thing and not shameful. Knowing she would be in her early 20's now, I daydream and pretend I have memories of her being a teen and how we were still friendly and loving, and lately I daydream that I even had a couple grandchildren from her.

Name for my child: My baby's name is Claudia, named after the child I used to daydream about way before I got pregnant. I'm separating the two because I'm almost certain when I was pregnant I never referred to that baby as Claudia (or even as "a baby," as I just said). I'm scared to admit that I would jump off a bridge and die if for even a second I believed that I knew back then that the "baby" was Claudia. I can't bear to think about it because the hate I would have for myself would be phenomenal.

How my child would have looked, been like, etc., and how I feel in relation to this loss: Even though Ron had blond hair/blue eyes and I have dark blonde hair and blue eyes, I always pictured Claudia having brown curly hair and blue eyes. I've always felt like she would be gentle, quiet, happy and polite. My feelings about this loss – it is devastating. I have other children but it's just not the same.

Step 9 was writing a letter to the potential baby

Dear Claudia,
 

I don't really want to write this letter because it hurts. Before I had the abortion, as sickening as this is to admit, I didn't think about you as being a baby because everyone treated my pregnancy like a disgusting thing. I wanted to run away to my friend Becky's because I wanted to keep you, but I got caught. After the abortion, my heart broke into a million pieces. It feels like it's breaking now as I write that. I cried myself to sleep every night for a year and a half and it hurt like hell. I felt dirty and stupid and ashamed for having the abortion and kept it a secret from everyone for 23 years, and that hurts me too because it feels like I'm betraying you that you even existed and feels like I'm ashamed of you. That's how I feel people treat me, so it really bothers me now. How I see my future life without you is there will be always something missing, everything I do or say or eat or listen to or whatever – you're not here so it's not the same. I'm so sorry. I miss you more than words can say. I wish I could go back to 1985 and do the right thing. I felt threatened that everyone would hate me if I didn't have the abortion. And now I wish I hadn't cared what they thought of me. This is the worst mistake I've ever made in my whole life. My sister said I would be a bad mother if I had you. I think I'm a bad mother because I didn't have you. I go along with the fantasy that you would've loved me back, and every time my life gets stressful and lonely I wish I could die so I could see you again and feel loved. I will never forget that you existed and I love you more than you'll ever know. 

XOXO Mommy

At the end of this step they had an exercise you could do of creating (in your head) a sympathy card for yourself and imagining what it would look like and what verses it would say. It was really helpful to see I could meet some of my own grief needs.