Less than a month to go

I feel really nervous and scared already about January 15.  It's kind of affecting the rest of my life right now and I wish I could just stay home all the time.  But on the good side of things ...

I went alone to the Baptist church's Christmas program Friday.  It didn't start till 7 so of course I had to drive in the dark, and I'm all praying "please help me, please help me," all the way there and so scared and nervous about getting in an accident or getting lost.  Once I got in the parking lot safely, I was going "Oh, thank you, thank you!" and I actually started laughing because then I prayed for help finding a parking space, LOL.

I've joined another bible study, started a couple months ago.  There are about 10 of us.  We're supposed to meet every other week, but we only met once in November and now once in December, and now we're not meeting till January 20 (all because of the holidays).  I wasn't very happy when they decided on this other long break.  It's really hard to share things in the study and then have them say bye and see you in five weeks, like it doesn't matter that they threw me off a cliff with my feelings.  Anyway, Tuesday the leader invited me and a couple of the other women to her house this coming Tuesday for "tea."  Wednesday when I was praying and getting prepared to do my usual Bible time, I was praying/crying because I felt like nobody from the group really cared that I'm pretty much a hermit and don't get to talk to people very often on a casual basis, and then the phone rang while I was reading and it was one of the ladies from the group just wanting to say hi!  How's that for quick answered prayers.  It was just what I needed.

Tonight (now last night) I went to Village Inn with my roommate from Rachel's Vineyard.  She gave me a present, a book called The Four Agreements.  One of the counselors from the retreat came for a little bit and had some coffee.  We're supposed to have another luncheon next month of all the past R.V. retreat attendees (who want to come).  Except it's gonna be on January 15th.  I know maybe it was planned by God to be on that specific day for a reason.  Yeah, the reason to stay home!  I don't know, I'm worried I won't feel well mentally like usual.  I thought about scheduling a session with my therapist the day before and maybe seeing if he wanted to watch me release a balloon, but I'm even nervous about that.

Thought from Monday

I want to note this so I don't forget.  I had counseling Monday and we were talking about an incident that upset me concerning a teacher's comment about one of my kids the previous week, because what had happened made me feel like a horrible mom.

Somehow we got to the point of talking about the kids' teacher conferences, how their teachers always say nice things about them, and my counselor was asking me if any of their comments penetrate and I said NO.  Most of the time I immediately (I mean, IMMEDIATELY) start a dialogue in my head and give credit to someone or something else and not me.  Like, my daughter's a helpful girl because she has a little brother, or my son's a friendly boy who gets along with everyone because he's the baby of the family ... not giving myself any credit that they were raised (by me) that way.  I don't know, I'm stuck.

I relayed to him what people said after I got my first divorce.  I was a single mom to a toddler and I worked full time and I felt I was doing a really good job of handling things, but even my co-workers would insist I go after my ex for child support, like hinting I couldn't make it on my own.  My parents have NEVER thought I could be a productive person.  They always got me medical "help," psychological "help," once they even thought about putting me on Social Security disability ... and I had no say in any of it.  I remember October 20, 1984.  Me and my parents toured a business school that THEY wanted me to go to.  I remember specifically saying I wanted to get married after high school and have a family, but my mom told me, no, I wanted to go to school so I could get a good job.  WHAT?

How come I can't make it?  How come I can't do what I want to do?  I guess this is why compliments don't penetrate.  Someone can say I'm a good mom, and I know my sister would say "She can't take care of herself let alone a baby."  Someone can say I'm doing a good job being a single mom, and my co-workers would say "Yeah, well, she could be better with more financial help."  Someone could say I'm a good mom, and my husband always makes ME feel like the one who's in trouble if the kids do something wrong.  I don't know how to get out of this.  Why do I let people make me feel bad about myself.

Okay, then my counselor was asking me how I felt if I could shush that immediate dialogue when someone compliments me.  I said I would feel like a good mom, and I would ENJOY being a mom.  Doing things for my kids, loving my kids, would give me joy.  I don't know how to stop the dialogue though.

He also asked me what would my kids think if I wasn't around to love them.  I said they would feel how I feel now, that life's not worth living because nobody loves them and they aren't important to anyone.