Thought from Monday

I want to note this so I don't forget.  I had counseling Monday and we were talking about an incident that upset me concerning a teacher's comment about one of my kids the previous week, because what had happened made me feel like a horrible mom.

Somehow we got to the point of talking about the kids' teacher conferences, how their teachers always say nice things about them, and my counselor was asking me if any of their comments penetrate and I said NO.  Most of the time I immediately (I mean, IMMEDIATELY) start a dialogue in my head and give credit to someone or something else and not me.  Like, my daughter's a helpful girl because she has a little brother, or my son's a friendly boy who gets along with everyone because he's the baby of the family ... not giving myself any credit that they were raised (by me) that way.  I don't know, I'm stuck.

I relayed to him what people said after I got my first divorce.  I was a single mom to a toddler and I worked full time and I felt I was doing a really good job of handling things, but even my co-workers would insist I go after my ex for child support, like hinting I couldn't make it on my own.  My parents have NEVER thought I could be a productive person.  They always got me medical "help," psychological "help," once they even thought about putting me on Social Security disability ... and I had no say in any of it.  I remember October 20, 1984.  Me and my parents toured a business school that THEY wanted me to go to.  I remember specifically saying I wanted to get married after high school and have a family, but my mom told me, no, I wanted to go to school so I could get a good job.  WHAT?

How come I can't make it?  How come I can't do what I want to do?  I guess this is why compliments don't penetrate.  Someone can say I'm a good mom, and I know my sister would say "She can't take care of herself let alone a baby."  Someone can say I'm doing a good job being a single mom, and my co-workers would say "Yeah, well, she could be better with more financial help."  Someone could say I'm a good mom, and my husband always makes ME feel like the one who's in trouble if the kids do something wrong.  I don't know how to get out of this.  Why do I let people make me feel bad about myself.

Okay, then my counselor was asking me how I felt if I could shush that immediate dialogue when someone compliments me.  I said I would feel like a good mom, and I would ENJOY being a mom.  Doing things for my kids, loving my kids, would give me joy.  I don't know how to stop the dialogue though.

He also asked me what would my kids think if I wasn't around to love them.  I said they would feel how I feel now, that life's not worth living because nobody loves them and they aren't important to anyone.