Pizza night

Every Friday since my oldest was about 2, we have had pizza on Friday.  The kids didn't have school today so it doesn't really feel like Friday, but my husband just took the kids to pick up pizza at Pizza Hut.  He has been a butt all day.  I just don't know what I'm doing wrong that makes him so unhappy with me.  He keeps yelling and hurting my feelings.  And I'm praying he gets in a better mood, but by then I'll be so hurt it won't even matter if he's the nicest guy on the planet.

A good thing that happened today is I got the notice from Amazon that my items just got shipped.  My counselor wanted me to order a book, and while I was on Amazon I started looking at jewelry.  (Did I ever mention my daughter lost my mother/baby necklace with the four pink stones I got for my birthday?)  Anyway, I saw a ring, and I knew if I got it I could always wear it and never let anyone "borrow" it.  It is a butterfly and the wings are four garnets and there's a little diamond accent in the middle for the body.  Garnet is January's birthstone which is the month Claudia's day is in.  It was only $25 so I figured why not.  I might get it engraved inside with her name and date later.

I got kind of depressed after I wrote the posts about my grandparents.  I miss the close relationship my mom had with her mom.  One of my friends from church goes to the hospital sometimes and her mother is always visiting her and it just makes me feel so good to see that.  I miss that kind of connection and caring.  So I wrote my friend's mom a note that I missed her, and she wants me to come over Monday.

The next Monday I have to go to the dentist.  Just for a cleaning but I think it will turn into something more because I've been having an acidy taste on one side of my mouth and I'm thinking I either have a cavity or a filling got chipped exposing a cavity or something.  I hope the dentist can just quickly painlessly fix it.  I don't like the noise at the dentist so I always bring a Van Halen CD to listen to.  I brought the Fireproof soundtrack last time but I could hear the instruments screeching right over it.  Anyway, I'm just praying I won't be scared and praying it won't be anything major and praying it doesn't TURN INTO anything major before then.  And I got lectured last time so I'm nervous that she's going to lecture me again, especially now that there's a little problem.  I'm just scared.  I wish someone could go with me, but that makes me sound like a little kid.

Pizza's here, bye.

Update

I talked to him about it today at my appt and how it felt like I was dangling off a cliff and not having him to talk to making it worse.  He empathized with me and it seemed like he understood how I felt because he gave an example back to me and I said bingo.  Then he told me most people have those feelings too (where you feel like you seriously need to connect with someone but can't) and that I wasn't the only person who ever feels like that, so that made me feel a little better.  He said eventually I will be able to risk sharing my fears with other people not just him and that he's just there to practice on.  Instead of chewing people's heads off when they try to talk to me, we decided I could say, "I'm feeling sad today, could I talk to you about it?" and that way pretty much anyone would feel alright about connecting with me, and then I would be off of that cliff.

I have had only 4 hours sleep every night for the past three days because of work (staying up late to type).  This morning on Facebook my husband signed into our daughter's account so he could post this clip for me:



 

No reply

Friday I left a message on the answering machine for my counselor. No response. Last night I wrote him an email in kind of a panic, no answer all day today. I have an appointment with him on Wednesday and I feel stupid! Why should I go if he doesn't even care. Here's the big problem I have with this, he knows that I like reassurance that everything's okay. I mean, how hard would it be to call me and just say I got your email or I got your message so at least I know?

Tonight my oldest son and my husband were teasing me about all the money I've sunk into counseling. Well, my husband tried to make me feel better by saying he has two "hobby" cars that equal about five years of counseling, but then he said "But I can sell my cars and get some money back." There's a Walgreens opening two blocks away from my house (I love Walgreens) and I'm thinking $65 would buy an awful lot of Walgreens crap if I didn't go to counseling any more. But the thought of stopping contact with this person who SUPPOSEDLY cares about me is making me panic A LOT!!! And this is my catch-22, I can't even write him about panicking because he won't reply to THAT email EITHER, right?

I can't be all mad at him Wednesday or he's going to spend my whole session making sure the air is clear between us. And I can't complain about him to anyone or they'll just tell me to find someone else or just quit altogether, but I need someone to talk to. My husband even likes it that I have a counselor, otherwise he'd have to talk to me. (Yes, he's said that before, but joking.)

I'm panicking and it feels like the one person who's supposed to care DOESN'T.

God is cool

I had a hard night last night and this morning my husband hung up on me, and I felt like I was hanging off a cliff. I feel so low when people are unhappy with me and make comments about me (especially from my own husband and kids). Last year my counselor gave me a bookmark called Who I Am In Christ, and it lists things like "I am a saint" and the Bible verse it comes from so NOBODY can dispute them, not even my husband, because they're all from the Bible so they're true. I can't find mine now so I ended up calling my counselor today to see if he had any more bookmarks, and he said he'd leave some on the table outside his office so I could pick them up on my way to volunteering (so I did). I rave about them so much, and I even left one at the volunteer place (and they are going to see if they can order some as tracts to put in with people's Bible lessons! COOL!).

On my way to the church, I was crying and praying why would God want to listen to me since I'm going stark-raving-mad and feel insane and everyone is unhappy with me, and Sirius/XM sattelite station The Message (Christian) played "Held" by Natalie Grant AND "By Your Side" from Tenth Avenue North. I thought that was so neat. God is with me even when I'm thinking I'm not even making sense

Then when I went to volunteer, I finished all the students' lessons in my pile, and one of the managers asked me if I could stay longer and do another pile. I said I would stay till I got hungry. I sat down to type someone's diploma for completing a course, and not even a minute later a lady came in the office saying she was selling taco plates for $5 (two tacos, rice, beans and salsa). Isn't that funny?! So I got one and was able to stay for a lot longer than I would've if I had only eaten breakfast.

Well, in case I lose my bookmark again, I'm going to post what it says, here. I read it and I feel so special and so good about myself.

WHO I AM IN CHRIST

I am Accepted ...

Jn. 1:12 I am God's Child.

Jn. 15:15 I am Christ's Friend.

Rom. 5:1 I have been justified.

1 Cor. 6:17 I am united with the Lord (one spirit).

1 Cor. 6:19-20 I am bought with a price; I belong to God.

1 Cor. 12:27 I am a member of Christ's Body.

Eph. 1:1 I am a saint.

Eph. 1:5 I have been adopted as God's child.

Eph. 2:18 I have access to God thru the Holy Spirit.

Col. 1:14 I have been redeemed and forgiven.

Col. 2:10 I am complete in Christ.

I am Secure ...

Rom. 8:1-2 I am free forever from condemnation.

Rom. 8:28 I am assured all works together for good.

Rom. 8:31-34 I am free from any charge against me.

Rom. 8:35-39 I cannot be separated from the love of God.

2 Cor. 1:21-22 I am established, anointed, sealed by God.

Col. 3:3 I am hidden with Christ in God.

Phil. 1:6 I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected.

Phil. 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.

2 Tim. 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.

Heb. 4:16 I can find grace and mercy in time of need.

1 Jn. 5:18 I am born of God; the evil one cannot touch me.

I am Significant ...

Matt. 5:13-14 I am the salt and light of the earth.

Jn. 15:1,5 I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life.

Jn. 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.

Acts 1:8 I am a personal witness of Christ's.

1 Cor. 3:16 I am God's temple.

2 Cor. 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.

2 Cor. 6:1 I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9).

Eph. 2:6 I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm.

Eph. 2:10 I am God's workmanship.

Eph. 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Phil. 4:13 I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.

I found one!

Remember how I was hoping I could find any video on YouTube that was posted on January 15 (for Claudia)? Went to counseling today and was telling him about Tie A Yellow Ribbon. He said he gets a song stuck in his head too and he said some of the words, "We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now ..." and immediately I knew it was Same Old Lang Syne from the late Dan Fogelberg. I went on Youtube this afternoon to look for a video of it to send him and one of the videos in the search was posted January 15, 2007. I feel happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIGiX-vc6M8

Grandparents (paternal)

My paternal grandfather was a character. He was very friendly. He got divorced and remarried after my parents married. Nobody knew till after he died that he had a second job at night as a bartender. When he divorced the second time, he lived in Florida and met some lady that was his girlfriend till he died. When he first met Maggie, he looked like a typical old man - short white hair, glasses, overweight, no teeth. After a few months of knowing her, he looked almost as hot as Frank Sinatra - longer white hair, thin, tan, perfect white teeth. Then he got sick (I forget what it was) but Maggie started yelling that she didn't want him to die in her house, so my mom went down to Florida and took care of him till he died in the summer of 1985. The thing I remember most about this time was my sister and me were still living at home, and my dad tried making arrangements for us to stay with other people while he went down for the funeral. My sister (who hated me) said she would stay with a friend because she didn't want to stay anywhere I was!

I don't remember my paternal grandmother very much. One memory of her was at my aunt's house. She was sitting in the dining room smoking a cigarette and the lights were off so I could only see her silhouette and the lit end of her cigarette. The other memory I have of her was visiting her in the hospital with my parents and brothers and sister. She wanted me to sit beside her so she could hug me but I was scared. I can't remember if I did or not. I wonder if she thought I hated her.

One of the good memories my dad has of his mother was when she'd make him breakfast, she'd forget she had toast on the stove (because back then they didn't have toasters) and by the time she remembered, it would be burnt. He said he can still picture her leaning over the sink trying to scrape off the burnt part. To this day, my dad deliberately makes burnt toast in the toaster.

All anyone else had of her was bad memories (thinking bad things about her, not necessarily that she was a bad person). I freaking BEG TO DIFFER. I found out that she used to be mentally ill when my dad and his brother and sister were growing up. They never knew what kind of shape she'd be in or how the house would look, so supposedly they were so ashamed about it that they never invited friends over. (To this day my dad has an absolute coronary if his house is even the slightest bit messy.) I found out that my grandpa kept signing her into a mental hospital when he'd get mad at her. I found out that my grandpa and his new girlfriend (soon second wife) went to the mental hospital once to convince my grandma to sign divorce papers. Anyway, my heart hurts for her TOO.

My grandma Marie (we always called her "grandma Marie" even when grandpa married her) was a crab and a neat freak. She smoked like a chimney. When we had get-togethers for Thanksgiving, etc., she never came. When we had events at their house, she wouldn't come out of her room. When they moved to Florida, she divorced my grandpa but we kept in touch with her. She was fun to talk to when she was in a good mood, I guess. After my grandpa died, my parents tried to keep in touch with her but eventually she moved into a nursing home and told my parents she didn't want to see them anymore. I found out she died a couple years ago all alone in a nursing home. I know she was a grumpy person but I feel so bad she was alone. Anyway, I couldn't stop crying this morning so I got up to write about them.

Grandparents (maternal)

My husband kept getting up coughing last night because he overate so his loud stupid voice kept waking me up and at 3 I just laid there thinking until I got up a few minutes ago. Thinking a lot about my grandparents, all of them.

My maternal grandmother loved me so much and she died when I was 13. She had a bleeding ulcer but was too scared to leave her house even to go to the doctor. She was a Christian so I know I'll see her again. I really miss her.

My maternal grandfather died 10 years later. He was a Christian too, except my grandmother was loving and he was just critical. My mom liked to say he was a "cool Swede," not showing much emotion, acting like she was proud that she turned out the same way.

One of my mom's favorite "memories" of my grandma was when she was a kid, my grandma was making supper and her apron caught on fire. She started screaming and my grandpa just calmly reached over for a towel and patted the fire out. Another one she likes to tell is when she went swimming with some friends in the Rock River and my grandma accidentally fell in. My grandma panicked and was upset thinking she was going to drown, and my mom said her friends were laughing because the water at that point was only 3 feet deep.

My dad's favorite stories of my grandma involve how she would call every day and my dad would tell her she had the wrong number, and how one year for Christmas he wrapped up a brick to give her as a present. I know everyone thinks these are funny, but my heart HURTS.