Six Word Saturday (8/14/10)

Three years worth of counseling sessions

Today marks the 3-year anniversary of the first day I started counseling.  No, I'm not going to give a rundown of everything I learned, but it is a lot.

The biggest thing I learned -- the best thing --  happened the very first day.  This guy Mark who I'd never met before (and who never met me) listened to everything I said and I could tell he cared about me but the whole time I was there that day I couldn't get my head around WHY he did.  Why would someone who doesn't even know what a bad person I am care about me???  Then he gave me a DVD to listen to of someone's counseling testimony.  All the way home and even AT home I felt this comfortable softness, the same as I did at the office.  I put the DVD in and listened; it was a college student.  The thing that struck me so hard (even to this day), she said, "Mark was like Jesus to me."  That's when I had my "Jacob moment."  

Jacob from the Bible -- he had a dream about a stairway to heaven and God told him he would give him descendants and would watch over him.  Jacob was sooo excited about it and said "Surely the LORD is in this place and I was not aware of it."  (It's noteworthy that he used a stone for a pillow, a hard stone and it didn't bother him at all because he was having such a great dream.)

It wasn't Mark causing the comfortable softness I felt, it was God.  As soon as she said that, I knew.  "Surely the LORD is in this place and I was not aware of it."

Six Word Saturday (8/7/10)

"Well, there's a big surprise"

Yesterday those were the first words that popped into my head when I woke up, as the voice of Vinny Gambini from the movie My Cousin Vinny.  In that movie, two boys are framed and on trial for a murder in Alabama, and Vinny comes all the way from New York to be their attorney.  Except he's only handled accident cases fighting insurance companies ... and they've never gone to trial.  So Vinny makes a lot of mistakes in court and keeps getting in trouble by the judge.  One second he's saying something and the judge warns him about being in contempt of court, the next second he's riding the rickety bus to jail.  Being in contempt happened so often that when the judge threatened him with contempt again, Vinny muttered under his breath, "Well, there's a big surprise."

So this line pops in my head yesterday morning and I was thinking about it all day.  Vinny knew he wasn't an experienced murder trial attorney, and he kept getting in trouble.  If I were Vinny, I probably would've quit the case after the first time I got in trouble, you know?  I would be hurt that I kept getting scolded.  I would start worrying I was going to get scolded, even before I actually got scolded!  I love how Vinny persevered.  I love how he knew he was going to keep getting in trouble (even yelling to his girlfriend before he boarded the bus, "Just keep bailing me out!").  I love how he knew the judge was going to be (and was) annoyed with him.

It got me thinking.  There are a lot of people in my life who are mean, snarky, or critical.  And it bowls me over each time they act that way towards me and I get really hurt.  You would think after 43 years (*gulp*) I would learn by now like Vinny to expect it from these people.

So here's me yesterday, I almost couldn't wait for someone to make a snotty remark to me just to see if Vinny's little mantra would help me.  Well, it did and it didn't.  My kids wanted to go to Kmart to get school clothes but I still had some typing for work to do.  They kept bugging me, I kept telling them to wait till I was done, and they got loud and obnoxious and, yep, mean.  At first, yes, I could hear Vinny going, "Well, there's a big surprise," but after the 100th or so time, I started to lose my cool.  In fact, I put off my typing and took them to Kmart just so they'd shut the heck up.  But I guess deep down I'm not hurt at all because I do know that the problem is with them not me, it's not me being a bad mom or a bad person just because I wouldn't drop everything and take them to Kmart, so I guess I did learn something from Vinny after all.

Six Word Saturday (7/24/10)

Wow, God answers my unspoken prayers

I got to see "grace" in action this past week.  My daughter came home in tears from the neighbor's house, and my son (ever ready to rat out his sister -- I hate that about siblings!) pipes up that she tried to steal something but they caught her.  I asked her if she gave it back and she screamed yes and ran to her room and cried for a really long time.  When she felt better she came out and I asked if she was ready for dinner, and she asked me if I was going to tell my husband and I said no.  She looked really relieved and I just treated her like normal.  (From counseling I have been trying every day to do some little thing that shows each of my kids that they mean something to me, and I don't think being caught stealing something should wreck that.)

Anyway, during the night my daughter sent me an email saying how great it was that I was her mom and that she loved me, etc., etc. -- stuff I was SO SURPRISED to read.  I was just blown away.  Then I remembered my "unspoken prayer" (more like, unspoken complaint) to God.  I just finished that Structured Recovery Group last month and, honestly, the one thorn that was still sticking me was the fact that I have had this big fantasy about Claudia, that she would love me back.  And my kids are always complaining and fighting and mean (and my husband thinks it's just them "being kids" but it breaks my heart to watch that), and in those times I had been reflecting on how Claudia probably wouldn't be such a mean awful kid and I would start missing her.  I love my kids but I wish they'd love me back.  After I read my daughter's email, now I know she does, and God answered my prayers.

Structured recovery group (Steps 10-12)

Step 10 - Visualization/meditation and letter from baby

In this step, you read a meditation exercise where you basically read the letter from Step 9 to your baby and imagine feeling acceptance, forgiveness and love.  What struck me from the reading was how my child would always be with me no matter what the future held.  Well, I feel stupid but nobody's ever explained it like that to me before.  Also during this meditation you are to pick a place where you can keep your child (like releasing him into a light source or handing him to Jesus/God or having a previously passed-on relative care for him, etc.).  That part caused me a lot of anxiety because if I really DID experience being with Claudia, do you think I'd want to tell her goodbye again?  NO.  So they mention that it's not a permanent goodbye, that I could communicate with her in meditation whenever I wanted to.  I couldn't envision Claudia being given to anyone I knew who had passed away already because that's really painful for me, so I decided to picture her in a playground outside in the sun with other kids.  So she is happy and not alone and I'm okay.

I already knew before I did this meditation thing that Claudia doesn't hate me (people in Heaven can't hate anyone) and I knew from an exercise in counseling that she isn't even angry with Dr. Ford or my parents or sister.  (Shocker.)

The assignment mentions that some people do this exercise even once a month to stay connected with their baby and I feel like it's a good idea.

Anyway, after you do this exercise fully all the way through, you were supposed to write a letter from your baby to YOU.  This is what I had on my heart to write:

Dear mommy, I’m happy you started working through the pain a little. I know it’s really hard. I know you desperately wish things could have been different but I’m okay. I’m not in any pain and actually I’m extremely happy here. I’m not angry with you or anyone involved in what happened. Mark told you that it must really touch me, your baby, that you cry so much about me because it shows you love me. To love me that much is proof that you are a good mother. Isn’t my opinion the only one you need? I’m not really “gone,” I’m just waiting. I’m happy and loved, and it’s okay for you to love the other children you have. We will be together someday.
I love you,
Claudia

Step 11 - Remembrance Activity

They wanted us to choose an activity to remember our baby by, and they listed dozens of ideas.  We were supposed to actually do one and then write about how we felt, etc.  But I had done several before this so I wrote about those too.

The activity I picked for this assignment though:  I added another video to my Claudia playlist on YouTube.  I started the playlist 1/15/08 (anniversary of her death)   I heard a song on the radio the day before I posted my assignment - "Can't Let Go" from Mariah Carey.  I thought it fit perfectly because it echoes my thoughts how I'm scared to stop hurting about Claudia because I'll forget her.  The other things I've done in the past:

1. In 2009 and this year, I've posted a video on 1/15 on my MySpace.  2009's was Happy Birthday by Flipsyde and 2009's was You'll Be In My Heart from Phil Collins.
2. The memory candle I posted for Claudia on Abortion Concern (you can see the screen capture of it at the very bottom of this blog).
3. My garnet butterfly ring that I bought in January for her 25th anniversary.
4. Donated 11 inches of hair to Locks of Love back on March 15 and put "In memory of Claudia" on the form.

Step 12 - Visual helper and continued remembrance activities

I wrote that my visual helper will be a trampoline so I can "jump" away from the triggery situation for a while so I can collect my thoughts and remind myself I'm forgiven and Claudia loves me.

I relayed an event that happened during my oldest son's graduation, how my family was being rude and bossy and controlling when they came to visit, and it kind of gave me a glimpse how they would have treated me if I had had Claudia, making me look bad in front of her and undermining me as a mother to her too.  If I hadn't done the work in this group, I would've had a really tough time dealing with how they treated me during the graduation, because I would've been desperate to stop the pain from all the guilt and anger and guilt (all the while knowing NOBODY CARED).

We had to write a page per day in a journal during the duration of the recovery group so they asked what my first entries were like and what they're like now -- my first ones were total grief and remorse and wishing I could go back; my entries now reflect that I'm not ashamed to remember Claudia and I feel pretty confident that she feels okay where she is.  In processing my whole experience, I've found that people can make me do and say things but they can't make me BELIEVE things, and I can see that I do know in my heart what's "right" and it makes me feel so strong to finally be allowed to say, "No, this was wrong.  This hurt me."

In an earlier step, it talked about imagining creating a sympathy card for yourself (what would it say and look like) and I mentioned I wanted to make a real one.  That visualization was very helpful to me because I gave MYSELF what I needed to hear.

They also wanted to know what my continued healing mantra is, and I'm just using the one from the "Stickers" step -- Claudia loves me and she forgives me and understands why I made that choice.

Six Word Saturday (6/12/10)

Happy Birthday (In Heaven) Brad Delp

Brad Delp was the lead singer of the band Boston.  In 2007 he killed himself.  I used to be very obsessed about people who died, starting when I was about 13 up until God healed me in October 2007.  No matter who it was who died, I would worry if it hurt, worry who missed them, worry if they were in heaven or not, and I wouldn't stop until the next person died.  I'm so glad I don't live like that anymore.  I know some people will discredit God's hand in this and say that it was just the counseling I started in August that year or the books my counselor had me read.  You know as well as I do that if you read a book, no matter how inspirational it is, the only way anything will stick is with God's help.

At any rate, Boston reminds me of my favorite brother Dave because he used to play records for me whenever I'd feel down as a kid, so I guess that's why this birthday is etched in my memory.  Here is one of the last songs Brad Delp recorded (as a solo artist, but it sounds a lot like Boston).

Structured recovery group (steps 7-9)

Step 7 was Reviewing my journey:

Positive statement about myself: I think I am a loving helpful person who is sensitive to other people's feelings. I can't really think of any positive way that I've changed since the abortion.

I only have a little anger left towards my parents and sister about the abortion but I won't actually be discussing it with them because they pretend it never happened.

The self-punishing behavior I still have is being critical of myself and feeling like everyone is judging me about everything. I don't really know what to do about it but I am going to counseling.

Things that are triggers for me: anyone related to me who is having a baby or even others who I don't know who are about the age I was who are having a baby, anyone who gushes about being pregnant. Future triggers probably will be when my daughter or sons' partners first get pregnant, I know I will worry they will make a bad choice. Adding: DENTISTS! Having really loud music on headphones and maybe asking for Xanax ahead of time.

My mantra is from counseling (so to you it might not seem helpful but it is for me) – Claudia loves me and she forgives me and understands why I made that choice.


Things I will do on anniversary dates in the future: For the past two years I've finally been able to acknowledge my baby even existed and I can even say I'm her mother, so thanks to counseling I don't have to keep her a secret from myself. I want to remember the baby not the procedure. I think that will help me a lot.

Step 8 was writing about the loss of my potential baby.

The fantasies about my baby: I thought (years before the abortion) we would be inseparable and we would love each other. In my journal I keep getting upset because I can't remember ever thinking of the baby as "a baby" during the weeks I was pregnant because everyone treated me being pregnant like an extremely bad shameful thing. For about 18 months after the abortion I remember nightly crying so hard I would get sick and screaming I'm sorry (to the baby, who all of a sudden I did then think of as "a baby"). After that I shoved all my feelings down until a couple years ago when my counselor told me I was allowed to think of her as "a baby" and as a good thing and not shameful. Knowing she would be in her early 20's now, I daydream and pretend I have memories of her being a teen and how we were still friendly and loving, and lately I daydream that I even had a couple grandchildren from her.

Name for my child: My baby's name is Claudia, named after the child I used to daydream about way before I got pregnant. I'm separating the two because I'm almost certain when I was pregnant I never referred to that baby as Claudia (or even as "a baby," as I just said). I'm scared to admit that I would jump off a bridge and die if for even a second I believed that I knew back then that the "baby" was Claudia. I can't bear to think about it because the hate I would have for myself would be phenomenal.

How my child would have looked, been like, etc., and how I feel in relation to this loss: Even though Ron had blond hair/blue eyes and I have dark blonde hair and blue eyes, I always pictured Claudia having brown curly hair and blue eyes. I've always felt like she would be gentle, quiet, happy and polite. My feelings about this loss – it is devastating. I have other children but it's just not the same.

Step 9 was writing a letter to the potential baby

Dear Claudia,
 

I don't really want to write this letter because it hurts. Before I had the abortion, as sickening as this is to admit, I didn't think about you as being a baby because everyone treated my pregnancy like a disgusting thing. I wanted to run away to my friend Becky's because I wanted to keep you, but I got caught. After the abortion, my heart broke into a million pieces. It feels like it's breaking now as I write that. I cried myself to sleep every night for a year and a half and it hurt like hell. I felt dirty and stupid and ashamed for having the abortion and kept it a secret from everyone for 23 years, and that hurts me too because it feels like I'm betraying you that you even existed and feels like I'm ashamed of you. That's how I feel people treat me, so it really bothers me now. How I see my future life without you is there will be always something missing, everything I do or say or eat or listen to or whatever – you're not here so it's not the same. I'm so sorry. I miss you more than words can say. I wish I could go back to 1985 and do the right thing. I felt threatened that everyone would hate me if I didn't have the abortion. And now I wish I hadn't cared what they thought of me. This is the worst mistake I've ever made in my whole life. My sister said I would be a bad mother if I had you. I think I'm a bad mother because I didn't have you. I go along with the fantasy that you would've loved me back, and every time my life gets stressful and lonely I wish I could die so I could see you again and feel loved. I will never forget that you existed and I love you more than you'll ever know. 

XOXO Mommy

At the end of this step they had an exercise you could do of creating (in your head) a sympathy card for yourself and imagining what it would look like and what verses it would say. It was really helpful to see I could meet some of my own grief needs.

Structured recovery group (Steps 4-6)

Step 4 was how I deal/cope with anger and deal with hidden anger, and the second part was to assign an anger number (10 being the highest) for the people mentioned in previous step and write a letter to them about it.

Here's what I do to cope with anger and deal with hidden anger:

1. cry
2. vent to my counselor
3. vent to God
4. keep it inside because I know nobody else will listen
5. play Sims 2
6. listen to AC/DC and Black Sabbath on my headphones
7. drink to take the edge off

Suffice it to say, I used SO MUCH profanity when I wrote the letters. I'm not going to post the letters except the one to myself, but here are the numbers:

Angie 7, Ron 9, Peers 7, God 2 (mostly angry because I don't see the good that's come out of it – yet), Mother 10, Sister 10, Father 10, Youth group leaders 7, Dr. Ford 10, Health 2, Finances 1.

Me – 4. I've always hated myself for not protesting more before the abortion decision was made or right up to the last second, but after reading Kimi's story I realize the outcome for me probably would have been the same even if I had yelled, screamed, cried, begged, etc., right up to the last second. I'm angry for not being stronger with my opinions. I thought people would understand what the baby meant to me. I thought someone was going to help me. I assumed people would feel sorry for me but in fact there was a lot of disbelief and nobody wanted to help me. I thought people cared about me when in fact they didn't, they were just thinking of themselves (and I was too clueless to notice). I'm angry that I daydreamed about this little girl Claudia and then had her taken away when it was almost a reality. I was more scared of my parents not liking me than thinking how my baby would love me. It's hard enough for people to see past my physical problems but I know for sure now nobody will like me if they knew about the ab. I'm angry at myself for being so stupid and gullible and trusting and weak and passive!!!!!!!!!!

Step 5 (part 1) was writing a forgiveness letter to each person. This was a lot of work and it was really hard and I ended up using their template, like a form letter, for almost everyone because I just didn't WANT to forgive anyone. I'll share the forgiveness letter I wrote to myself:

Dear Me, I am angry about what happened. I am angry with you. I am upset that things did not go the way I would have liked. I feel hurt and let down. But I am willing to begin to let go of these feelings, so I can find peace. I forgive you for not being the smart, strong, capable person I wanted you to be. I forgive you for letting me and the baby down. I know you are working really hard in counseling and changing into a much better person. I release my anger and forgive you.

Step 5 (part 2) was the Sticker section, people you need extra work forgiving (because you feel stuck forgiving them). I will share a line from each letter and my forgiveness mantra for each one.

To my mother and father: I'm angry because you made me feel extremely helpless instead of helping me! Mantra: Input from others is just input and not orders; I'm a strong capable person who can make my own decisions.

To my sister: I'm angry that you were given a voice about my baby and I wasn't! Mantra: Nothing Diane will do to me from now on will ever hurt me as bad as this; and it goes both ways, Diane, I have the power too. Just because I'm YOUR sister doesn't mean I have to choose to be YOUR friend.

To Dr. Ford: I'm angry that you never gave my parents or me any hope that I could have the baby and abortion was your only suggestion! Mantra: I know the truth and that's all that matters, and I forgive Dr. Ford for not believing in the impossible.

Step 6 was feelings of loss of myself – listing who I had a changed relationship with since this time, writing a letter to each one and explaining what they could do to help me feel better, and writing a letter to myself showing compassion. I will share what would help me feel better for each one. 

My mother: what would help me feel better is if you would say you're sorry knowing that I wanted the baby. It would also help if you would tell me my life doesn't have to be as perfect as yours. I'm so sick of being a failure every day. 

My father: if you would tell me you should have let me have the baby because my other three are fine and be interested and enthusiastic about my decisions and my life from now on. I know you're too proud to admit mistakes were made but it would mean the world to me. 

My sister: if you would apologize for saying "She can't take care of herself, let alone a baby" because it haunts me every ****ing day! Also it would help if YOU would tell me my life doesn't have to be as perfect as yours and that you should have supported me having the baby.

Letter to myself -- Dear Debbie, You wanted the baby more than anything and you should have been allowed to have it. I completely understand why you changed so much after the abortion. I know you gave up ever asserting your opinion or wishing for anything, and making any decisions petrifies you. You tried to do everything people wanted you to do so they would still care about you and it hurts that they continue expecting you to jump when they ask. I know you adopt their truth as yours even when it doesn't feel right to you, so that nobody will be angry with you or reject you. It hurts but maybe you can let go of those people or at least don't value their opinions so much. It's okay that you didn't notice back then that everyone was only thinking of themselves and not you, but now you know how people are and it should be easier to gain your own control. Deep in your heart you know what is true – you would have been the best mommy to Claudia. It's not wrong to remember her or love her and you shouldn't feel ashamed; if other people want to feel ashamed about this, that's their problem and you don't have to fix it.