What's the word for this feeling?

My counselor wants me to describe what I feel when he's listening to me. I have crummy eye contact but the times I do look at him when I'm talking, he looks nice, gentle ... I don't know. I have a loud part of me inside that tries to discredit myself, like thinking he's just being loving because that's his job, blah blah.

Two nights ago after having "I Will Survive" running through my head all day, I woke up with a different song in my head, one I haven't heard for years, Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree from Tony Orlando & Dawn (from 1974). It's a catchy little tune but the story is cool .. it's about a guy who was in prison and he wrote to his girlfriend (wife?) to see if she still wanted him. If she did, she was supposed to tie a yellow ribbon on the tree. In the song he tells the bus driver on the way home about the letter, but he was scared to look and find out what her answer was. This is the part where I cry now - not only did she tie a yellow ribbon, she tied 100 yellow ribbons! I know it's just a song but what that guy must've been feeling is kind of the feeling I have when I get listened to. I realize the song is kind of the receiving end of grace probably, right? Is there a feeling for that?

Interesting tidbit about this song on Tony Orlando's page from Wikipedia:

In 1980 the nation adopted the symbol of the yellow ribbon during the Iran hostage crisis. The yellow ribbon idea came from Orlando's hit "Tie A Yellow Ribbon." It has since become an international symbol of hope and homecoming.

At any rate, when I sort out the good from the loud bad part of me, here's what I come up with when he's listening to me:

1. I feel accepted.
2. I feel important.
3. I feel wanted.

So, worst case scenario, he slaps me with a restraining order because I'm taking it the wrong way, or best case scenario, I get humiliated because the feeling isn't mutual.

Claudia

Wow, the day is here and I don't even know what to write.

Franchesca made a hope collage for Claudia, and I wanted to debut it today.



I know it would be mortifying for other grieving people to read that someone could still be having such a rough time a quarter of a century later, so I'm being cautious and it's giving me major writer's block.

I'm livid that other people are going through today like it's just a normal old day. Last year that thought made me hurl a coffee cup against the wall when I was unloading the dishwasher, no joke.

God, thank you for the 80 days I did have Claudia with me.

I don't know what else to say.

I love you Claudia, I do!!!

Two more days

I just got back from my appt and my counselor gets it finally. I was starting to get mad explaining how I felt Monday after he called, and then I kind of stopped and wanted to read my assignment instead and he seemed like he got irritated that I stir up a bunch of things inside him and then just move on to something else. I actually can understand that completely, because I feel like nobody sees my pain either and just rushes on by. So we discussed what feelings were behind my call, it wasn't that I wanted out, I needed help coping with how my husband hurt me by leaving and how hateful that felt, and how I worried he wouldn't care about me again. He agreed that talking about getting a job missed the whole point.

I told him I almost feel like getting addicted again, because I just don't remember having this many problems five years ago (and I didn't have ANY job five years ago but things were fine). He said something REALLY thought-provoking ... I want the addiction back so I will feel important and meet my needs that way but God won't feel important (with the addiction back). I do want God in my life; I do want Him to feel that He's important to me, so I now don't want the addiction back. But with an addiction, your life has a purpose. I need a purpose without one.

Well, something kind of cool happened yesterday. I'm looking at the 15th like D-Day, it just doesn't seem like it serves any purpose other than to cause me pain. I have been looking for videos on YouTube that were updated on a past January 15 just so I can have a positive memory on that day (I have "Love Liberty Disco" on Youtube from someone who posted it on my birthday, so I wanted a song for Claudia's day too. I know, I'm weird!) But I got an email from MySpace saying which of my friends had a birthday coming up. There's a girl I knew from CafeMom (I used to write her about my dog Hershey's puppy training class for her out-of-control dog, and then we got friends on MySpace). Carrie's birthday is ... January 15. Well, not 1985 but 1983, but the day is more important. It kind of makes me feel good to know that something GOOD happened on that day, that that day isn't total crap because Claudia's not here, that I'm not a bad person because of that specific day.

I'm going to counseling Friday so I'm going to tell him about Carrie. He said he had something planned for Friday for me, and he didn't want to tell me what we're going to do because he said I would get too excited and then slam the brakes on in front of him and not show any emotion. But he said it was something good.

Pigs

Friday I got a virus on my PC. I have been extremely careful and we don't let the kids use my computer anymore because I need it for work, yet I still got it. I had a 45-minute tape to do that day and I kept getting pop-ups. I felt horrible like I was going to get in trouble for being such a pest when I called my husband about it, so by the time he answered his phone I was crying. And like a good husband ... he yelled at me. Not only calling me stupid and worthless, etc., but after he told me how to restore my PC back a few days, he hung up on me. And then that night when he got home from his friends that he goes to every Friday, he wouldn't talk to me. And he "fixed" my computer. And I tried to tell him I was sorry and how bad I felt (and how guilty I felt, like I was looking at porn and got the virus even though I wasn't!!!). But he said it was inexcusable and unforgiveable that I'd call him at work in hysterics. And then out of nowhere he said he was DONE with me, and put his shoes on really quick and our daughter was screaming bloody murder Daddy don't leave! So he took her with him. So from the looks of it, I thought he left for good. So I was screaming and crying too, and my youngest just kept playing video games and my oldest son told me to chill (like I was the kid and he was the adult).

So I ran in the bathroom and called my counselor's answering service and cried that my husband took my daughter with him and I didn't know what to do (and then I thought my counselor wouldn't know what to do either over the phone, so I just hung up) and then I decided nobody would believe that it hurt me that bad to hear him leaving after saying I was worthless, so I started scratching my arm really hard to get it to bleed since I didn't have a razorblade or knife handy because I figured people would notice I was hurting if I was bleeding, nobody cares if I'm hurting ON THE INSIDE and nobody BELIEVES ME either. When I was sitting there though, it hit me that God would have seen everything that happened, every mean thing my husband said, and God would know how scared I was and God would believe me, so at least I felt a little better about that.

They came back after a while, I was in bed watching TV, and my daughter came in and told me they just went to the post office. He wouldn't answer his phone the three times I tried to call, making me think he was really gone for good. So I basically just cried myself to sleep, after praying that I wouldn't wake up. So Saturday and Sunday it was off and on him barely talking to me, and him yelling that he was sick of doing things for me (so I've been trying to do everything), and I've been really frustrated. When I was married the first two times, I had a cushy job, more money than I knew what to do with. My first husband was an alcoholic and couldn't hold a job for more than a couple months, and he smarted off to me once when I complained he wasn't working, "What are you going to do about it, divorce me?" So I DID!!! And my 2nd husband was physically abusive (and again, I had that great job, so he didn't even help pay bills because he claimed I'd have to pay them all anyway if I lived alone! NICE!) and one day he grabbed my 2-year-old's arm (whereas all the other times he had just hurt me) and I said, that's it, we're through. And he arrogantly thought I wouldn't go through with it, but I DID!!!

So here I am, wondering if I'm married to another bozo, and I'm realizing I don't even make enough from my typing job to support myself let alone three kids, so I have been doing what I can to make things better all these years. If I had had a cushy job, I would've left long ago. Crap. Anyway, my counselor finally calls me this morning and I'm telling him all of what happened, and HE even suggested finding a job that pays more money so I wouldn't feel so helpless. But that just sounds so overwhelming -- being a LOUSY wife, a CRUMMY mom AND trying to WORK too??? What a jerk. I mean, I almost feel like my husband already talked to him or something. Then I started thinking maybe my counselor doesn't want to talk to me anymore and knew if I had a full time job I wouldn't be able to go to counseling very often. Maybe he's sick of me. I still want to go see him Friday so I don't have to be alone that day but I'm really tempted to play sick Wednesday. And I wonder how fast he would backpedal on what he said to me if I told him I didn't want to come in anymore after Friday till I had a full time job. I bet if I had more money than I knew what to do with, I wouldn't need counseling either.

FACEBOOK rocks sometimes!!!

I went to a Christian summer camp in Wisconsin back in the early 80s, and I met a girl Lisa and we went everywhere in camp together (even though she had a crush on one of the camp counselors, Howie, so I basically went where she went WHERE HE WENT). We kept in touch through college and in the summer of '87 we went to Cornerstone festival together (it's like camping with a bunch of different Christian band concerts taking place during the festival). Once I got married the first time in 1991 we lost touch with each other.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago I was thinking about the 15th coming up and I remembered how Lisa invited me up to her house a couple weeks after it originally happened, so I tried looking her up on peoplefinders.com because I still remember her birthday, and I found out what her married name was (and she goes by "Melisa" now). For the heck of it I searched on Facebook for her and she had an account!!! So about five days ago I sent her a friend request and said that we went to summer camp together and to Cornerstone '87. I thought I either had the wrong person or she was blowing me off because I didn't hear anything back, but tonight I just logged into Facebook after I finished my typing job and she accepted my friend invite! She has twin babies, they look like they're about 9 months old, WOW!!!

Hey, God, it's hard to be depressed when you keep surprising me with all these blessings. THANK YOU!!!

Shine A Little Love

Heard back from my counselor and he will be able to see me on both Wed and Fri next week. Let's hope nobody gets sick. I think I was scared to need him because it would hurt if he didn't come through. He told me I made an impact on his life, and that feels pretty great.

One thing we discussed yesterday was what (good!) things remind me of him so I could think of those things when I need to connect. He wanted a sight, sound, smell, and touch. I won't share them all, but I said for sound I'd pick the song "Shine a little love" by ELO because the chorus reminds me of him: You shine a little love on my life and let me see. Specifically I'm talking about how he lets Jesus literally shine through him because I could see the very first time I met him that he cared about me. Here's the thing though (and I told him this yesterday) -- I can't go back now. I can't go back to feeling like God's just in the sky watching everything, because my counselor showed me God is everywhere and you can feel Him everywhere and it is too real to me now.

Song by Foreigner

I'm sure you all know this song "I wanna know what love is" by Foreigner. First song released from their 1984 Agent Provocateur album. According to Wikipedia, it was #1 in UK on January 15, 1985, and #1 in US on February 2, 1985. I know, I'm getting obsessed and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Counseling today went okay. He said his scheduler thing (blackberry?) wasn't working so I'd have to get back to him on scheduling an appointment for the 15th. I know it's probably not true but it just doesn't seem like he was even interested in me coming in twice next week. I wrote him an email kind of scolding him, like he REALLY would forget what next Friday was so I'd have to ask him again? I also wrote him that if he couldn't fit me in, I could just do something else crazy to keep myself occupied on the 15th ... like drive to WYOMING and back. I guess he's totally missing me on this. I just would like someone to care if I make it through that day. Whatever, but he hasn't written me back yet so maybe he WILL notice that's what I need.

Tonight Savannah the puppy was trying to chew on my afghan. My mom made it for me when I turned 22 so it's 20 years old. Anyway, it hit me if my mom had hated me for shaming the family in 1985, why would she have made me that afghan in 1989. Which gets me to thinking maybe she hasn't hated me all this time even though it feels like it.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first ex-husband's 49th birthday (if he's still alive). I haven't talked to him since 2002 before he went to prison. So who knows. He started smoking when he was 12. I don't know.

I have a session tomorrow. The twice weekly sessions that we talked about in November haven't worked out YET. God, please please please let him help me, let him see everything that's hurting me.

I know I'm a Christian and everything but I just want to swear a blue streak. It really blows my mind that nobody can see that I'm hurting. My husband told me tonight that I looked like I was losing it, and I go, "Yeah. Can you live without me?" And he NOW claims yes he needs me around to "soak up all the sh*t that happens around here like a sponge" so he won't have to. That actually cheered me up a little, he needs me. On a continuing happy note, the kids go back to school tomorrow!