Two more days

I just got back from my appt and my counselor gets it finally. I was starting to get mad explaining how I felt Monday after he called, and then I kind of stopped and wanted to read my assignment instead and he seemed like he got irritated that I stir up a bunch of things inside him and then just move on to something else. I actually can understand that completely, because I feel like nobody sees my pain either and just rushes on by. So we discussed what feelings were behind my call, it wasn't that I wanted out, I needed help coping with how my husband hurt me by leaving and how hateful that felt, and how I worried he wouldn't care about me again. He agreed that talking about getting a job missed the whole point.

I told him I almost feel like getting addicted again, because I just don't remember having this many problems five years ago (and I didn't have ANY job five years ago but things were fine). He said something REALLY thought-provoking ... I want the addiction back so I will feel important and meet my needs that way but God won't feel important (with the addiction back). I do want God in my life; I do want Him to feel that He's important to me, so I now don't want the addiction back. But with an addiction, your life has a purpose. I need a purpose without one.

Well, something kind of cool happened yesterday. I'm looking at the 15th like D-Day, it just doesn't seem like it serves any purpose other than to cause me pain. I have been looking for videos on YouTube that were updated on a past January 15 just so I can have a positive memory on that day (I have "Love Liberty Disco" on Youtube from someone who posted it on my birthday, so I wanted a song for Claudia's day too. I know, I'm weird!) But I got an email from MySpace saying which of my friends had a birthday coming up. There's a girl I knew from CafeMom (I used to write her about my dog Hershey's puppy training class for her out-of-control dog, and then we got friends on MySpace). Carrie's birthday is ... January 15. Well, not 1985 but 1983, but the day is more important. It kind of makes me feel good to know that something GOOD happened on that day, that that day isn't total crap because Claudia's not here, that I'm not a bad person because of that specific day.

I'm going to counseling Friday so I'm going to tell him about Carrie. He said he had something planned for Friday for me, and he didn't want to tell me what we're going to do because he said I would get too excited and then slam the brakes on in front of him and not show any emotion. But he said it was something good.