Pigs

Friday I got a virus on my PC. I have been extremely careful and we don't let the kids use my computer anymore because I need it for work, yet I still got it. I had a 45-minute tape to do that day and I kept getting pop-ups. I felt horrible like I was going to get in trouble for being such a pest when I called my husband about it, so by the time he answered his phone I was crying. And like a good husband ... he yelled at me. Not only calling me stupid and worthless, etc., but after he told me how to restore my PC back a few days, he hung up on me. And then that night when he got home from his friends that he goes to every Friday, he wouldn't talk to me. And he "fixed" my computer. And I tried to tell him I was sorry and how bad I felt (and how guilty I felt, like I was looking at porn and got the virus even though I wasn't!!!). But he said it was inexcusable and unforgiveable that I'd call him at work in hysterics. And then out of nowhere he said he was DONE with me, and put his shoes on really quick and our daughter was screaming bloody murder Daddy don't leave! So he took her with him. So from the looks of it, I thought he left for good. So I was screaming and crying too, and my youngest just kept playing video games and my oldest son told me to chill (like I was the kid and he was the adult).

So I ran in the bathroom and called my counselor's answering service and cried that my husband took my daughter with him and I didn't know what to do (and then I thought my counselor wouldn't know what to do either over the phone, so I just hung up) and then I decided nobody would believe that it hurt me that bad to hear him leaving after saying I was worthless, so I started scratching my arm really hard to get it to bleed since I didn't have a razorblade or knife handy because I figured people would notice I was hurting if I was bleeding, nobody cares if I'm hurting ON THE INSIDE and nobody BELIEVES ME either. When I was sitting there though, it hit me that God would have seen everything that happened, every mean thing my husband said, and God would know how scared I was and God would believe me, so at least I felt a little better about that.

They came back after a while, I was in bed watching TV, and my daughter came in and told me they just went to the post office. He wouldn't answer his phone the three times I tried to call, making me think he was really gone for good. So I basically just cried myself to sleep, after praying that I wouldn't wake up. So Saturday and Sunday it was off and on him barely talking to me, and him yelling that he was sick of doing things for me (so I've been trying to do everything), and I've been really frustrated. When I was married the first two times, I had a cushy job, more money than I knew what to do with. My first husband was an alcoholic and couldn't hold a job for more than a couple months, and he smarted off to me once when I complained he wasn't working, "What are you going to do about it, divorce me?" So I DID!!! And my 2nd husband was physically abusive (and again, I had that great job, so he didn't even help pay bills because he claimed I'd have to pay them all anyway if I lived alone! NICE!) and one day he grabbed my 2-year-old's arm (whereas all the other times he had just hurt me) and I said, that's it, we're through. And he arrogantly thought I wouldn't go through with it, but I DID!!!

So here I am, wondering if I'm married to another bozo, and I'm realizing I don't even make enough from my typing job to support myself let alone three kids, so I have been doing what I can to make things better all these years. If I had had a cushy job, I would've left long ago. Crap. Anyway, my counselor finally calls me this morning and I'm telling him all of what happened, and HE even suggested finding a job that pays more money so I wouldn't feel so helpless. But that just sounds so overwhelming -- being a LOUSY wife, a CRUMMY mom AND trying to WORK too??? What a jerk. I mean, I almost feel like my husband already talked to him or something. Then I started thinking maybe my counselor doesn't want to talk to me anymore and knew if I had a full time job I wouldn't be able to go to counseling very often. Maybe he's sick of me. I still want to go see him Friday so I don't have to be alone that day but I'm really tempted to play sick Wednesday. And I wonder how fast he would backpedal on what he said to me if I told him I didn't want to come in anymore after Friday till I had a full time job. I bet if I had more money than I knew what to do with, I wouldn't need counseling either.