Ending 2009 on a great note

First of all, I had just read five minutes ago that Shelley had her babies. She is such a cool person and it just overjoys me that God blessed her with these two little ones!!! THAT news in itself feels like it could make my whole year.

Oh but before that, earlier today, I got an email from my counselor and he told me he's so amazed at how courageous I am and he also said he feels honored when I share stuff with him, but the biggest surprise was he said I have a huge impact on his life. I couldn't stop smiling this morning after I read it. My last session was kind of hard so I think he wanted to give me some positive feedback (because I have a tendency to feel negative - no, REALLY!).

Also a couple days ago Franchesca from Abiding Hope Collages sent me Claudia's name collage. I told her I wanted it by the 15th but she got it done so fast!!! I told her I was going to put it here on the 15th (Claudia's 25th anniversary in heaven).

Well, I was going to do a Back To The Future marathon for New Year's Eve tonight, but I feel like a slug just sitting here watching it. I watched the whole first one though. Two interesting little tidbits -- when Doc Brown was going to get in the time machine (right when the Libyans showed up), he had told Marty he was going 25 years into the future (which would be 2010). Pretty neat, eh? Also, me and my husband met on November 5, 1996. The first time Marty goes to the past (when the Libyans were racing behind him), the time machine was set to November 5, 1955.

Okay, I know my husband would say it's just a random number (like, he's not excited when my car odometer rolled over to 208,000.0 the other day). But I think it's way cool.

Happy New Year!

Christmas

For the end of Steve's 25 Days of Christmas: Yesterday's song was The Night Before Christmas (In Texas, That Is) by Gene Autry. And today's is Jingle Bells and Tracks in the Snow - a Country Bear Jamboree song from Tokyo Disneyland (so yes, it's mostly in Japanese).

I guess Christmas went okay. The kids got up way early and we opened all the presents. My son's girlfriend came over after that and had breakfast with us. She got me a book, a bookmark, a CD from Surface With Pearls (it must be a local band because I can't find anything about them on the internet at all, but the music is really good) and an angel pin. My sister-in-law made me a pot holder (one of those round things that you put on the table so a hot pan doesn't burn it). She put my name then my ex's last name then my current last name on the outside. That kind of hurt me. My daughter got a FurReal Cuddle Chimp from "Santa" (wink) and I just love her! When she filled out the adoption certificate, she decided since it was Christmas she'd name her chimp Holly. Pretty funny.

Pretty speechless

First, to catch you up on all the mp3's from Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music:

12/19 - Mannheim Steamroller - Kling, Glockchen
12/20 - Lester Lanin and his Orchestra - Christmas Night in Harlem. The archives on this page contain the English version of Very Merry Christmas Parade (Disneyland) and a couple versions of "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow."
12/21 - Kevin Mahler - Pirate's Christmas. The archives on this page have a couple Christmas songs from Star Wars. Yes, Star Wars.
12/22 - The Andrews Sisters - Christmas Island
12/23 - Billy Ward & the Dominoes - Christmas in Heaven. The archives on this page has the song "Welcome Christmas" that all the Whos in Whoville sang in the Grinch Who Stole Christmas cartoon.

Speaking of that cartoon, I remember about 6 or 7 years ago when my youngest was not quite two, after our Christmas tree got decorated, Melanie dragged him over to the tree and they swayed back and forth singing "daboo story" (what they thought the Whos were singing).

Went to counseling today and I ended up blurting out that I wished someone could say I was a good mom (because people's silence about it makes me feel like the opposite is true). Although he never actually said those exact words, he did say that he always notices that I'm very empathetic to my kids, and he thought that was truly amazing considering how I was treated when I was little. So that made me feel pretty good.

THEN I was making dinner tonight and I got a call from a fairly new friend from church. I visited her in the hospital a couple times this year because she has lupus. Anyway, she said she wanted to bring something over for me, and it was a present! She gave me a pretty box of gift sample perfumes and some chocolates and a snowman family decoration. I was just speechless. I know I said thank you and Merry Christmas but I didn't gush or cry or anything. My husband said she probably wanted to "give back" since I visited her in the hospital and that I didn't need to feel bad that I didn't get her anything.

Lastly, on Facebook today I put up our family Christmas picture and a friend of mine from high school (who has the same kind of disability I do) commented that she liked it and she also said that my family is blessed to have me for a mom and for a wife. Wow! I love how God knew I really needed to hear that.

Six Word Saturday - 12/19/09

I got my Christmas cards sent.

I wrote out 19 cards, licked 19 envelopes, and stuck on about 35 stamps this morning, and now our Christmas cards are being driven to the post office by my husband for mailing. I love sending and receiving Christmas cards. Here's the picture we sent with the cards. (I know my hair looks stupid but at least I'm sitting down...).

Look back on this and laugh - not

I'm starting to think maybe staying inside my house permanently isn't such a bad idea.

Yesterday I had jury duty. On the way there I started panicking because I didn't want to get selected. I feel like I'm too stupid to be on a jury. I got in the parking lot of the courthouse and sat in my car hysterical. I'm unqualified and incompetent to do it. And I knew I didn't get picked the last couple times I went so I figured my luck was running out. I was praying (screaming) I wouldn't get picked, it was awful because I felt so immature wanting God to get me out of this when people have a lot bigger problems than that. So I sat in the courtroom for an hour with everyone else, and the attorneys kept coming in and then leaving, and finally they came back in and the judge announced that they settled the case and we could go home. Merry Christmas to me!!

The other thing ... my husband keeps getting on me about the house, like when I go to volunteer and he comes home and I hadn't gotten everything spiffy, he goes ballistic. So I can't even do anything else besides cleaning or I feel guilty and ashamed. And I took home a dozen lessons yesterday to grade for volunteering (since I feel guilty now for being there) and did half last night and was going to do half this morning after I took a shower. The kids went to school, I get out of the shower and discover that Savannah (the beagle puppy) had gotten on the kitchen table and chewed parts of four student's report cards, part of an answer page out of my grade book and ALL the cards and papers were strewn all over the floor! I just don't want to go in and have to tell them what happened. I know they will think it's funny, but it's not funny. I'm really upset about it. I know my husband will tell me I shouldn't have left the stuff in the kitchen. I want to offer to re-type and re-input grades for those four report cards too. I'm just so irritated and upset! My oldest son yelled at me (because he helped me gather up everything into a pile) that there was "nothing I could do about it now!" The thing is, this just adds to my mood from yesterday, because my daughter took my Black Hills Gold bracelet to school and it didn't come home with her, and she won't tell me what she did with it. She also took a necklace the day before that someone had made for me 10 years ago, and she won't tell me where it is. I feel like nothing of mine matters to anyone! Not even a stupid dog!! I'm so sick of this.

Ending on a positive note, we got our family Christmas pictures taken last night finally. I get to address all the cards but that will have to wait till I get home from dropping the lessons off.

A trying day

I didn't have a very good day. Today my counselor told me I could cut down on my stress by exercising outdoors and relaxing/meditating. I feel like if I take time out to do that, I won't get the other stuff done that I need to do. I can barely concentrate on my typing work; how am I supposed to meditate for 15 minutes? Christmas is getting closer and I just dread it. I know everyone will be disappointed that day and so will I. It hurts.

I give up. The way we're talking about Claudia in counseling is like grieving and it just really hurts and it feels pointless, and I asked my counselor today if we could try dealing with it another way because I just can't take it.

I'm sorry this is so depressing but I didn't want to just keep it inside. My counselor knows about it. The thing is, even if a fairy godmother came down and told me she'd help me, I wouldn't know what to ask for.

To catch up on 25 Days of Christmas Music:

December 14 - Merry, Merry Christmas by Koko Taylor. (As his post says, this song was featured in the movie While You Were Sleeping, and I agree it's a great Christmas movie!!

December 15 - Christmas in Tinseltown by Big Voodoo Daddy. (The 2002 archive has two classic Christmas songs "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" from Brenda Lee and "Jingle Bell Rock" from Bobby Helms that you hear in a lot of movies.)

December 16 - Colorado Christmas by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. In the archives for this day in 2002, they have Feliz Navidad (a video I posted a few days ago, LOLOL!) and Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby. As soon as I saw this, I smiled because it reminds me of the scene in Christmas Vacation where Chevy Chase is fantasizing about the swimming pool he's going to buy with his big bonus from work. The part where he gets startled when the beautiful woman's swimsuit hits the window cracks me up EVERY TIME and I've seen this movie 100s of times.

If your fly is open MAYBE

My inlaws were down here yesterday and they brought our Christmas card with them instead of mailing it. They have a Christmas letter and a couple pages of photographs from their travels and visits throughout the year. They used one of the pictures of us from our trip to Wisconsin over the summer. I have trouble walking, I have scoliosis in my back so I walk weird, very awkwardly. At any rate, one of the pictures shows us walking towards the camera. I look hideous. When I saw the picture, I sucked in my breath really loud. And my mother in law KNEW, she KNEW exactly why I was upset because she SAID, "What, you don't like the picture of you?" If they KNEW, if they KNEW it made me look horrible, WHY DID THEY USE IT? If they KNEW it would humiliate me????? Is this some kind of joke!!!! Holy crap, my father in law is a CEO of a computer company in Albuquerque, he's a millionaire, he knows tons of people they send those Christmas letters to. Even former President Bush. I just can't fathom how they can get away with sending a horrible picture of me that makes me look like a freak to people I don't even know!!!!!! And to act like it's no big deal!!! HOW would they like it if I took a picture of them when they looked like crap, like I put for the title of this thing, if their fly was open? And I sent THEIR picture to all kinds of people who didn't even know them. I'm really hurt. I know it's illogical but when I get stared at I just wish I was never even born at all. My husband, of course, is sticking up for his parents and saying I didn't look that bad. My FOOT!!!!

After we had breakfast today, they took another picture of us outside Village Inn (like they always do), but this time my husband had my youngest son stand in front of me so I look normal. Is it too much to ask to make sure everyone looks good (and normal)? Was it THAT HARD??? I realize having a freak in the picture makes everyone else look terrific though.

Today's song on Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music is Italian Jingle Bells.

Six Word Saturday

I can't be sick - inlaws coming!

Tuesday on my way to counseling I picked up a BK Mocha Joe (iced coffee from Burger King). I waited till I got in the office before I even opened my straw because I wanted to see if my counselor wanted any first. He asked me if I was sure, because he felt he was getting sick (sniffles) but here's me, "Oh, no problem, go ahead!" (You'll need to remember this story in a sec.)

Sunday I had gotten one ticket for last night's Christmas program at church. Then Wednesday night my son and his girlfriend asked if they could come. I was so pleased because last year I tried hauling the kids around to different Christmassy things and they hated it so this year I decided if I felt like doing something Christmassy I would do it by myself and save the stress. So I called the church office to see if they would hold two more tickets for me (they said they only had 9 left, yipes!). I said I was coming on Friday for an appointment and the receptionist told me she would give them to my counselor so I wouldn't have to walk so far to the office. Very nice.

Yesterday my counselor calls me and says we have to cancel because he is sick (throwing up, etc.) and he sounded like crap. All I could think while he's talking is "... and I let you drink some of my BK Mocha Joe!!!!" Ugh. He said he would give my tickets back to the receptionist so I could pick them up.

Last night's show was very good! All the choir members wore black and it looked really good. There was one guy and one lady who alternated reading between the songs. They all sang some secular songs and some religious ones, while everyone in the audience sat at tables eating huge pieces of cake. I had some coffee that had pumpkin pie spice in it (interesting taste, but not my favorite). My son and his girlfriend seemed to like the show (it's free and something to do, my son told me). Last night our beagle puppy (who's now bigger than our 3-year-old chihuahua mix) slept in between me and my husband, but facing ME so her paws kept pushing on my back and waking me up. And then this morning when I finally had enough and just decided to get up, I find out I'm sick. Hopefully, it's just the cake/weird coffee combination/puppy chiropractic maneuvers and not my counselor's crud.

To catch up with Steve's 25 Days of Christmas songs:

December 10 - Christmas in Dixie (by Alabama). This is actually a really good song and Steve is wrong. In the archives for 2008 is "The 12 Days of Christmas" and it gives a link for the Muppets/John Denver version. My mom had a tape 30 years ago from Avon with that song on it (she hated Miss Piggy singing "5 gooooooooold riiiiiiiiiiiiiings! BA DA BOM BOM!")

December 11 - Santaville - Kathy Dunn (on this page you'll notice in the archives for 2002 was Home for the Holidays by Perry Como, and I remember my dad playing that song when I was a kid so I downloaded that one too).

Today - O Little Town of Bethlehem - Over The Rhine

My inlaws are coming into town today to drop off our Christmas presents and take us out to eat steak somewhere. I hope I feel okay by then. My husband won't even talk to my parents let alone go out to eat with them if they visit, so to be fair I shouldn't have to see his parents, right? Oh well, free steak, and I actually do like my inlaws for the most part.

The feedback from yesterday

Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music selection for today is Squirrel Nut Zippers - Carolina Christmas. I also want to point out that in the archive for 2002 on that same page is the Disney Christmas Parade music! Oh, man, if you've ever seen the lighted parade, just listening to that song will bring it all back in your head. SO COOL! It's from Disneyland Paris so the synthesized voice at the beginning is in French, LOL.

Anyway, I did tell my counselor about that horrid dream. He had some good insight. He thinks the part about me crying/nobody noticing and me burning down the cabin was significant because in my life I feel frustrated that nobody listens to me and I'm stuck and I feel liked I'd have to do something drastic like that in order to get people's attention. Yeah, well, the sick part is it's not just me being egotistical "look at me" stuff; my counselor knows it's more like "help me" because I'm hurting, and that concerns him. It looked like it bothered him that I woke up and was still plotting to stay inside my house for years and years so that people wouldn't find out I killed someone. Also, just wanted to record/remember that he DID seem concerned after all about me not sleeping.

Sleep needed

On Steve's 25 Days of Christmas, yesterday's song was "North Pole Comedy Club" by the Muppets and today's is actually two songs, one a jingle from the post office from 1966 about putting zip codes on your Christmas cards and the other is "Santa and the Purple People Eater."

I go see my counselor today. I know I do a lot of "projecting" onto him but right now I'm angry because I'm thinking when I tell him I haven't been sleeping that great, he will be apathetic. I've been staying up as late as I can, till I can't keep my eyes open, so that I don't have to worry about not being able to fall asleep, but then I have crazy scary dreams and wake up 3-4 hours later. I feel like a ZOMBIE! My problem is I don't even KNOW what reaction I want from him or other people when I say I'm not sleeping.

Last night's dream was such a doozy, it's still with me. It had elements of a bunch themes of crummy things that have happened to me. In my dream I was at a music camp where we stayed in little cabins outside. (I can't carry a tune in a bucket so that should've tipped me off right there that it was a dream, but I WAS in handbell choir for a while.) The songs we practiced in my dream were really hard and I wasn't singing it right and felt really upset, and everyone around me was totally oblivious to the fact I was crying (this actually did happen in handbells). So that night I soaked bath towels in gasoline and lit them on fire and threw them on top of the roof of the choir director's cabin, and I went back in my cabin and went to sleep. In the morning there was just a big pile of ashes where the choir director's cabin - and the choir director - had been. And everyone's all crying and nobody even suspected it was me who did it because I'm physically weak. But in my dream I got really paranoid thinking that eventually they will figure it out. So that's the point I woke up! And GET THIS - I was actually laying in bed trying to figure out how I could just stay in my house for the next 50 years because I knew people would be able to tell I killed someone if I ever went out in public! I was actually laying there wondering if my counselor could do a phone session so I wouldn't have to go outside today, and I was trying not to cry and all of a sudden I remembered IT WAS A DREAM! So I went from scared/crying to wanting to laugh with relief and that felt so strange. I know our house is a dump right now and I do feel like just setting it on fire because it's never going to stay clean. I mean, I just cleaned Saturday and already the living room's trashed.

Probably not making much sense but I'm really tired, but I just wanted a record of the dream I had.

Okay, snow, you can go away

Remember the picture of my car I posted a couple days ago? This morning it looked like that again when I went out to go to church. I spent 20 minutes scraping my windows with a credit card (with no gloves on) and the windshield still wasn't clear enough to see out of, so I missed church completely. An hour later I looked outside and the sun was shining, and not only did I not have ice on my car anymore, but the windows were dry. So I just went to Galatians class. I'm scheduled for jury duty tomorrow (8:00 a.m.), but my husband told me he'd scrape my windows for me if my number gets picked.

I got invited to someone's birthday party today and I can't remember if they said the 15th of December or the 15th of January. If it's the 15th of January, that's Claudia's day so I won't go. If it's December, I could probably go. This woman is going to be 25. I'm not sure what to get her.

In case you're wondering about Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music ... the selection for yesterday ended up being "Brazillian Sleigh Bells" by Ferrante and Teicher and today's is "Tennessee Christmas" by Lee Greenwood. I didn't like Steve's comment about Lee Greenwood's song "God Bless the U.S.A." prompting fake patriotism, but his Macarena comment the other day was pretty funny, so I guess you win some and you lose some.

The kids got their picture taken with Santa at the mall. My sister made fun of me on Facebook and asked if my oldest was going too, and I said no, but then they just got home and he's in the picture. I feel embarrassed for him. I know my husband put him up to it. He plays it up like it's for their grandparents. My parents never let us get pics taken with Santa (or even let us believe in him). So my son's 18 and surely could have said he didn't want to do it this year, so maybe he did go willingly. It's not like he's sitting on Santa's lap. I don't think I can post it on Facebook because my sister will make fun of me. All I know is, if my husband doesn't "make" the younger two take Santa pictures every year till they're 18, I'm going to be furious.

I sent that picture of my son and his girlfriend from the newspaper to a bunch of people on email and only a few responded. But I really noticed my parents didn't. They're prudes, yes, they're old, yes, but it kind of hurts that they couldn't of at least said good luck or something. Or maybe they don't want to "condone" PDA or something. But my sunday school teacher also slightly criticized me about "quite a liplock" and how I should keep an eye out. You know what, if his girlfriend ever happened to end up having a baby or whatever, I would hopefully handle it with GRACE and FORGIVENESS unlike what I got 25 freaking years ago!!!!! Same thing with my teacher, just because his children all got married before they had kids doesn't mean he has to look down his nose at everyone else.

Six Word Saturday

Cleaning my house all by myself!



The 25 Songs of Christmas song isn't up yet, so I'll put up a link for a Christmas video. Try getting that song out of your head now. Mwaahaaa!


Here are a couple more pics of the snow (and ice) we had yesterday in southern N.M.:

My oldest son plays football for Mayfield and they are at the state championship this weekend. For the send-off Thursday, a reporter took this picture of him:

Let it snow!

School was delayed a couple days ago for two hours because apparently it looked like it was going to snow (never did). Last night it DID snow, there are probably two inches of snow on the ground, and ice on the street, so today school is delayed for three hours. I've been here 12 years and up till now it's only snowed two different days and it didn't last more than a day. My husband took pics this morning before he went to work so I might post one later. [EDIT: Here's one]



Okay, brace yourselves, Steve's choice for 25 Days of Christmas Songs today is a doozy. Remember that song Macarena? As Steve puts it:

So what do you do if you have a hit franchise? Why, you milk it for whatever you can and ride out the success. And that's how we ended up with today's song... the Macarena (Christmas Mix). Who knew that we needed a holiday version of this song?

It's not that bad, I guess. My kids like it.

Ozzy and Alaska and Frank E.

I was scheduled to go to the dentist just for a cleaning today but my number was listed for jury duty today. Get that? A choice between going to the dentist and jury duty. Some choice! So I called the dentist a couple days ago to reschedule my appointment and then this morning I find out they don't need anyone from the jury pool after all, so now I have to wait till February for my cleaning.

Today's Ozzy Osbourne's 61st birthday. I used to be really big into him in college but now the only thing I retained about him is his birthday, weird.

Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music song for today is It's Christmas Every Day in Alaska.

I used to have one of these but it had a motion sensor on it and drove my husband BATTY so one day it disappeared:

The best part of this season

... MUSIC!

Some people at our church put on a concert called Christmas Jams at an old theater downtown. Last year I missed it, but this year I got to go (last night). It was spectacular!! They did a lot of songs from Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Mannheim Steamroller (loud guitars and drums, the whole bit). At the end of the Thanksgiving dinner at church last week, they showed a little clip of a previous Christmas Jams, and we thought it sounded so good on the tape but my husband joked that they were just pretending to play. So he picked me up after the concert and I told him, "No. They were THAT good."

Here's a short (2:48) clip of one of the cool songs they did (this is actually TSO's version). And, of course, (longer clip) the one and only true Christmas Jam! Man. Anyway, I was so stoked. They also played Mannheim's Little Drummer Boy which I hadn't heard before till last night and I liked it.

Yesterday on Keep Believing Ministries' blog I heard about this guy Steve Tanner who releases a Christmas song on mp3 free for download, one per day till Christmas. Dec. 1 was "It's a Small World Holiday" (music from Disney's Christmas parade) and today's is "Hawaiian Santa." Wow, 25 songs will make a really nice CD. Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music

Sustaining

It hasn't been the best week. My counselor was so worried about me he wrote me (on a Saturday). I went and saw him today (a day early because he'll be out of town for Thanksgiving) and I'm just so down! But he scheduled some twice-weekly appointments for me so I feel a little better, and he said he wants me to need him, so I'm trying not to feel like a burden. He said we will do the twice a week sessions through January.

I taught our new puppy how to SIT. Savannah did it three times today and I didn't even have to push down on her butt.

My son's girlfriend Somara and a fellow volunteer (Mike) from Bible Studies by Mail are joining us for Thanksgiving this year, and I'm looking forward to it. We're all going to Cracker Barrel (so nobody has to cook, except the people at Cracker Barrel, LOL).

Felt like a celebrity

I've been going to church for 22 months and nobody ever sits by me (except when my in-laws came down last Easter, and the Easter before that when it was packed some teenager had to sit by me, and I could tell he was thrilled). So most of the time I have to picture Jesus sitting with me (I know it sounds childish but it works). Then Friday an idea popped into my head - I could just plop down next to the pastor's wife who sits in the front row. I know that sounds pushy of me. But I figured I couldn't lose because it's not like she can get up and leave. And even if people can tell what a bad disgusting person I am, a pastor's wife should probably like anybody, so she'd probably tolerate me sitting by her. So I was all gung-ho about it this morning but I found out she's in Iowa right now. But I did tell the pastor my evil plot and he said next week I could surely sit by her when she's back.

Anyway, when church was over, I went out in the hallway and my Sunday school teacher was going to go with me to get coffee, and this lady from the handbell choir comes up to me, hugs me, even kisses me and is saying how glad she is to see me - I mean, totally acting like I was the coolest person. I was so shocked. I thought people from bells hated me because I quit. Wow, it felt great. It was like a total 180 -- one minute I'm having to pretend Jesus is sitting next to me because everyone else thinks I'm disgusting and the next minute I'm Britney Spears to this lady. Wow. It made my DAY!

Not forgetting

I went to my session today and it was pretty good. It felt like he listened to me. I told him my necklace is lost. It's maddening. I had it on the desk and it's just gone. I asked everyone if they had seen it and they said no and didn't act at all concerned. I guess they didn't know how much it means to me. I couldn't even cry in the office today because I felt like he'd think I was such a baby for missing this necklace, but now what am I doing????? Crying my eyes out.

Also we briefly talked about our game plan/focus ... I said parenting, anger and grief, although we didn't get into any of them very deep today. I told him before how it was probably going to get worse and worse the closer it gets to January and he said I could have extra sessions, but I guess he must mean when it gets closer. I feel like a bad mom for not finding the necklace. I feel like a bad mom because we didn't talk very much about her (during this bad time of year).

I added another song for Claudia to my playlist on Youtube. It's old but I'd forgotten how pretty it was. "I Just Can't Stop Loving You" by Michael Jackson

Just what I needed

I haven't been posting much. Now that we're done with Lynnette's book, I'm back to my boring self.

I was working on an assignment for counseling a few days ago and I wrote (about grief) "Mostly I miss how strongly Cheyanne [our black lab] and my grandma loved me and how much I imagine Claudia would." And ever since then, it's really bothering me. I feel like I'm in a big black hole and kind of worried if anyone's going to love me like that again. I noticed last night I was having a lot of trouble concentrating on work, and then I'm still having trouble sleeping, so this morning I was going to jot an email to my counselor. But first I went on YouTube to play my usual playlist, and on my home page where it had videos recommended for me based on my viewing history, there was this song and I know it was God's idea for me to listen to it (well, my kids look at Club Penguin videos a lot so the recommended videos were like 5 Club Penguin videos and this one song, LOLOL).

When the Rain Comes - Third Day

It really helps. Like telling me he will be there all these days that are going to hurt till January, and also I think he wanted to remind me Jesus loves me stronger than anyone else ever will. I like how God surprises with me songs, it was just what I needed. So instead of writing something depressing, I sent my counselor the link to the video too and explained what it meant to me just like I did here.

Dr. Phil family triggering me

Five years ago I had watched that Dr. Phil family (Alex, Catherine, their parents) when Alex was pregnant, and now they're back and older. Catherine has legal trouble because she's hanging around a stupid crowd and doing drugs. Alex now has two kids and she's living with some guy (she's still married but her husband's in jail). Yesterday's show triggered me so badly because Alex was telling Dr. Phil that her mom (her own mother!!) is going to testify against her at a custody hearing. Alex is hurt (and rightly so) because her mother has stood by Catherine in all her court stuff. And now her mother's siding with Alex's ex!

I feel like my parents are sooo glad Claudia's out of the way. It seems like they think my present three children don't exist either if they don't acknowledge them. They came up to Wisconsin Dells while we were there in July but my mom said they got a hotel in Baraboo near their friends! Like WE weren't the only reason they came up! It really burns me. When I got my first divorce, my parents made a point of keeping in contact with my ex's parents (they still exchange cards at Christmas and my oldest is 18 now, ridiculous). It feels like a betrayal. Hello, this person hates me and barely supported his baby, WHY would you want to keep in contact with him and his parents? GOSH!!

And then I'm in trouble with my whole family because I didn't go back for my father's 70th birthday and the last homecoming for the high school we went to (that's consolidating with another school). Okay, so why does everyone in my family get to treat me like I'm the bottom person on a totem pole all the time, yet when I don't put them as the top person for this, I'm the bad one? I don't get that.

Yesterday (my bad day) I had emailed my counselor. As of right now, he never wrote me back or called me. And this was a big important thing! I'm angry. I try to make excuses for him (maybe he was sick or the internet was down or whatever) and that just makes me more angry. I send him stupid little things like twice a month (like a video from Youtube or a Bible verse someone gives me that goes along with what we talked about in a session) and he always writes back or calls me within a couple hours, but when I really needed him I got nothing! And I just feel like if I write or call him again, he will think I'm a burden. I see him tomorrow so I guess if I get enough guts I'll bring it up, but I probably won't because I don't want him to be mad at me. He's the only one in person who I can talk to about Claudia, so I don't want to mess that up. So weird, I'm mad at him but I don't want him to be mad at me, LOL.

The next 80 days

Today's the day I've been dreading, my own personal Pearl Harbor, I guess. (Except everyone knows and cares about Pearl Harbor.) I emailed my counselor at 1:30 this morning after I finished working because I was very upset. This morning I've decided for the next 80 days (since that's how long I was pregnant for, starting today) I would do something every day to improve myself. I don't want this milestone 25th "anniversary" to destroy me.

I know if I had lived my life even one second differently, I wouldn't have met my husband, blah blah blah (that's what he keeps telling me).

BUT! I wish desperately with all my heart that I could go back to 1984 and have someone like my counselor show me God loves me so I wouldn't have had to believe that having some guy (any guy) love you is the holy grail/most fulfilling thing on this earth. It hurts so much that I ruined my life like that. Now that I know God loves me, I can see that the guy I went out with 25 years ago was one of the guys Frenchy described in "Grease" as AMOEBAS ON FLEAS ON RATS! I mean, I want to hate myself! I bet he doesn't even remember me!!!!

Six Word Saturday

This is my first time doing this! Other people's SWS posts are really cute. Okay, okay, lemme think ....

"Time alone! Family visiting corn maze."

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 15/16)

Wow, I don't know about anyone else but I cried so much reading these two chapters about Anna's death and funeral. It touched me so deeply when her parents sang to her as she was dying. I thought it was the coolest freaking thing that Lynnette told Anna that Jesus was there and would help her. I mean, it's sad that Anna was dying but it made me feel almost good, gave hope even.

When my ex-friend J's father was dying in a hospital, his church arranged for their harp player to go to his hospital room and played for a while. A couple days later he passed away, but J loved the fact that one of the last things he got to hear on earth was this beautiful music. I know I'm going on a tangent here, but that reminds me of a really old movie called Soylent Green. When old people were ready to die, they went to this office and got to watch films of beautiful scenery while listening to lovely music as they died. At any rate, I said all that to say again that having people sing about Jesus to me if I were dying sounds like an amazingly peaceful way to die.

Another crab

It's getting to that time of year - October. My in-laws have been harping about everyone joining them in two years for their 50th anniversary (they want to go on *another* Alaska cruise, puke!). Wonder who thought of the idea of "milestones" like that? Well, here's another one - 25 years ago on the 26th the way I looked at the world turned really dark because of one P.O.S. who took advantage of a desperate lonely person (and to this day I hate my "friend" who set me up with him). I've been having so much anxiety lately, my whole body just feels on edge. I feel like I can't breathe (even though, obviously, I am breathing). I've had two bad dreams in the past week, triggered by this, dreams that are memories of the past so it's not like I can console myself by saying "It's just a dream." A friend of mine wrote on her blog about how crowds affected her and how she was just this raving crab, and I can really relate. Luckily I think I can work through this because my counselor really "gets" me now, but Wednesday seems so far off for my appointment and I can't just be a hermit till then. God, please help me hold my tongue; I'm so on edge.

Well, Caroline posted this on her blog and it looked fun so these are my answers:

20 Weird Questions That Will Give a Little Insight Into Who You Are
(Pick whichever ones you want to use , use all of them - or make up your own)

1. What is your favorite thing to snack on while you're blogging? Coffee
2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without? My glasses so I can see
3. Beach, Mountains or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice? Farm. I would live in Lawrence, Kansas, if I had a choice.
4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty? Picking up toys (or anything else) off the floor.
5. Who do people say you remind them of? In high school people said I looked like Bailey Quarters from "WKRP in Cincinnati."
6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying at home with the fam? Staying home with family.
7. What's your all time favorite movie? Tie between The Wedding Singer and Back to the Future
8. Do you sleep in your make up or remove it like a good girl every night? I don't wear makeup.
9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it? I'd like to learn a foreign language fluently.
10. What's one strange thing you're really good at? I recognize songs from the 70's and 80's right off the bat and know lyrics and other trivia about the songs. Chris loves watching me play the Name that Tune game on his iPod. I blow him away.
11. What first attracted you to your spouse? We both were E.L.O. fans. When I found out he used to be a DJ, I was hooked. Love his voice!
12. What is something you love to smell? Bacon or coffee
13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people. I get lost easily, not just out driving but even in a restaurant I'll forget where our table is when I go to the restroom or I'll forget how to get back to the doors in Walmart (and I always forget where I park my car - my husband never lets me hear the end of it).
14. When you have extra money (HA!) what's the first thing you think to do with it? Have McDonald's for dinner!
15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? Loud laugher What makes you laugh the hardest? We watch MASH every night on DVD, and I've seen the episodes so many times that I anticipate the funny punchlines, and it makes me laugh HARD when the lines finally come up, and then my husband laughs because I'm laughing, and it makes me laugh that he laughs.
16. Where is your favorite place to shop? Walgreens
17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time? Keep in touch with people I care about.
18. Are you a big spender or frugal? Frugal.
19. Who is your favorite character of all time (from a movie or book)? (Can't be real) Dr. Emmett Brown (Back to the Future)
20. Would you want to be famous? No.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 14)

This chapter described how Anna got saved. I could kind of relate to her worrying that God wouldn't forgive her for being mad at Him/hating Him. I liked how Lynnette explained to Anna how Anna would be heartbroken if her mom asked her for forgiveness but wouldn't accept it.

What were your own experience of being saved/baptized like?

Being saved was so long ago, back in 1976. There was a Lutheran church on the corner by our house and my sister and I used to go there every summer for Vacation Bible School (more for the snacks and crafts than anything, LOL). But when I was 9 I did get saved there, I even remember the song "Into my heart, into my heart, come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in today, come in to stay, come into my heart, Lord Jesus."

As for baptism, I haven't been baptized. I almost drowned when I was 12 so I'm pretty terrified of water. Ironically, the past 21 months I've been faithfully attending a Baptist church. Even though I've met a lot of nice people there, I can't become a member yet because of this baptism thing, ugh. I joked with the pastor that maybe I should become a Methodist (where you have a choice of sprinkle, pour or immerse). I also joke about wearing scuba gear. I don't have very good lung capacity, and I know it's irrational because it's only a couple seconds underwater but I just know I'll drown.

Have you had times when you jumped between the worst and best of things?

Not so much with myself or my family but I remember about 15 years ago when I worked for an insurance company in Orlando, I was really close to one of the other women in my department (she trained me when I first started there). She got breast cancer. She'd have surgery and come back after a while and we'd think she was better, but then they'd find more cancer and she'd have to go through more chemo. Remember, I loved her! So I hadn't heard for a long time (months) how she was doing the last time she went out sick. One morning I arrived at work and got an email with her name as the subject line (so I assumed it was advising the date she was coming back to work). Instead it said that she passed away. To be back and forth like that with her so much and then to find out she was gone was really hard to take and I got hysterical. Nobody understood what was so wrong about finding out about her dying through a stupid email.

Maybe I'm just whacked out of my freaking mind

My husband tells me that all the time.

Yesterday I had jury duty orientation. It wasn't too bad but there was a lot of standing in line, and you'd walk three steps and then stand some more. My back really hurt and I was wishing I had brought my walking stick (cane, it's purple).

Then I picked up some fruit from the store and went to Chick Lit at church (like a women's book club luncheon thing). A lady gave a talk about her heart transplant this time so it wasn't on a book. I had told my ex-friend J that I wouldn't mind seeing her at this thing, so the luncheon started and she wasn't there, and I thought I got stood up, like she didn't want to try to mend anything with me (really upsetting). But no, she was late because she thought I was less important than going by the counselor's office to drop off some papers for him and chatting with him for a bit FIRST. Wow, so you haven't seen someone for four months (who you're in deep crap with ALREADY) and you'd rather talk to someone you just saw last week at a session? And (wait for it!!) she isn't sorry. Nope, I was very angry and I even told her I was angry and I was trying not to yell at her, but I told her my true feelings, that I didn't feel very important to her. And she just brushed me off and told me there was nothing she could do about how I feel. I was also annoyed that she told me in a bragging way that the counselor asked HER to help him. So I figure maybe if there weren't other people around to compete with me (because they would get her attention over me), maybe we would get along better. But that's a catch-22 because when it's just me and J, she acts superior about everything I share (and she barely shares anything) and she constantly told me she doesn't sin so she doesn't understand my pain. What a mess, but I drove home yesterday thinking there's something wrong with ME. Why can't I just brush it off when people think I'm less important?

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 13)

About Anna's heart catheterization, I've actually had one myself as a kid too. I was asleep through the whole thing so to me I don't remember it being that big of deal. I did hate having to go in the O/R by myself though. I wonder why they can't have parents dress in scrubs and just be with their child in the O/R till they're asleep. People get to go in the O/R for baby deliveries.

What special memory do you have of a loved one who is no longer here?

My grandpa on my dad's side was pretty cool. I didn't grow up in a religious family, so every Easter all of his kids' families (my dad, his brother, his sister, and about 20 of our cousins) would get together to play bingo. Grandpa was the "caller." And then when you got a Bingo, you were given a prize of Easter candy. We would play for hours and we'd go home with a big stash of candy. He organized the whole thing himself and bought all the candy himself. It was really fun.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 12)

All right, I know I said I loved Chapter 9 but now I'm changing that: I liked Chapter 9, I LOVE Chapter 12. I don't even think I could give a summary much justice, but all of the things she said about worry just really spoke to me. She said worrying is a sickness and the only cure is truly resting in Jesus. Wow, amen.

What things do you worry about? Do you find it easy to give these worries to God?

In the study guide for Max Lucado's new book Fearless, he asks which theme of fear you are most prone to - rejection, failure or calamity. So along with Caring for Carleigh's question, I'm going to say my general constant fear is of rejection. I worry A LOT that people are mad at me or that people don't like me. I also worry about this for my husband and my kids (yep, I worry FOR them). And like Lynnette had experienced a bad X ray with Anna and then she'd worry every time she needed another X ray, that's me too. If I feel physical pain at a certain clinic or dentist or whatever, I'm scared to go back and I'm even scared to take my kids to those places too.

The second part of this question, again, I'm just like Lynnette: it takes work to make the decision to trust God. At first when I'm crying in fear, God's the last thing I'm thinking of, and then I remember OH YEAH, God wants to help me! Also, this is going to sound so far out, but I have read The Shack a bunch of times and I love the character of Jesus in the book, so a lot of times when I'm worried and upset I will "imagine" in my head that the Jesus from The Shack is with me and it is really comforting, and then I remember OH YEAH, the real Jesus is with me.

I feel like I experience more than my share of trials (even if they're all little teeny ones, they just kill me). I'm doing a Bible study on Facebook on the book Heavenly Minded for Earthly Good by Karen Chaffin (the author is leading the study, SO COOL!!!!), and just this morning there was a question about what the goal of trials is. This is what I put (according to 1 Peter 6-7) - The goal of trials is to prove that your faith in Jesus is genuine and results in glory, praise and honor to him.

What memories of your childhood make you smile?

I actually just emailed my parents and brothers and sister about this very thing last week. (They're trying to guilt me into going to Illinois for our high school's very last Homecoming and my father's 70th birthday but I don't want to go, long story, but they thought sharing some of their good memories would make me want to go, so I wrote back the few good memories I had.) I remember we had a black dog who I loved playing with and he was so well behaved; I also remember a bunch of different funny things my dad used to say; I remember vividly the time my brother played his 45 record of "Shake Your Body (Down To The Ground)" by Michael Jackson and me and a neighborhood friend danced in the living room; I remember accidentally leaving my favorite stuffed monkey Mickey out in the mulberry bushes where I'd been playing and then later that night it started raining (which really upset me, his "mommy") so my two brothers and my father got umbrellas and flashlights and found Mickey for me.

Banquet

Tonight is the Bible Studies By Mail banquet. Since I volunteer there, they want me to be a hostess for one of the tables, and during dinner that means I get to share what volunteering for them is like. I'm not a great public speaker but it shouldn't be too bad if there are only 8 people at my table. One day a couple weeks ago one of the managers was videotaping me as I graded lessons, narrating what I was doing, and then asked me why I like volunteering there and all I could think to say was, "Because it's fun." BECAUSE IT'S FUN?!?! Oy. Anyway, he told me he was going to splice together all the little interviews with the volunteers and play it at the banquet. Oh goody, I thought. Mortified, I went home and my husband told me even as a professional DJ he has had those brain freeze moments. Like one time they interviewed him on TV after he and his co-host had broadcast from on top of a billboard during one of the coldest days on record, and the reporter asked him what it was like being up there, and my husband kept blurting out, "It was cold!" My mother-in-law taped the newscast too, so it was funny seeing my husband all bundled up like an eskimo, hee! I think I can handle my five seconds of shame at the banquet after he told me that.

Did you ever kind of notice that the enemy tries to put junk in your heart when you're excited about something God has blessed you with? I've been all excited about this banquet for a month! Yesterday I was going through one of my files to find a phone number of a friend I wanted to ask if they were attending the banquet, and I found a letter I wrote to my baby (as a counseling assignment seven months ago). Reading it HURT. I have no idea why it was in that folder. So here's me -- "wait, wait, you're exited about the banquet, remember?" Then last night on Facebook my friend kept updating her status about her sister being in labor and it just seemed like I was being taunted.

"Wait, wait, you're excited about the banquet, remember?" I prayed, remembering that if I tell God how much I miss Claudia then the enemy won't have that access to my heart. And I listened to a video from Diana Ross called "Missing You" and gave myself permission to cry, and now I'm doing better.

I am excited about the banquet tonight!

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 11)

This chapter was about the family staying home a lot because they didn't want Anna exposed to any outside germs, and that included not going to church. I like how during this time Lynnette was able to reevaluate how she looked at the act of going to church, why people do it, what happens there between people, the faces people put on, social competitions, the relationships that happen, etc. I agree 100% with her that it's by far much worse to neglect your family that God has blessed you with in order to do stuff at church (just so people don't "talk" about you). This chapter kind of hit home with me because I decided to join a Galatians class and concentrate on learning Galatians rather than trying to connect with people.

Do you think that you can grow in faith without going to church?

Yes and no. Faith has a lot of different compartments to it, I think: reading your Bible, worshipping/singing, serving others, praying, learning. (I'm sure there are other compartments but I'm drawing a blank.) If you stay home, maybe you can do all of them but serving others would be a challenge. Or if you have laryngitis, worshipping and singing would be a challenge. When you go to church you can get all of those compartments filled.

Galatians

Today was the first class of the fall semester for Galatians at church. It's being taught by the same couple who taught Genesis last time. I was at a different (bad) "place" emotionally during the last church/school year because it really upset me that the people in my class didn't include me in stuff outside of class. Like I only got invited to one baby shower and one potluck. Anyway, the teacher emailed me a couple months ago letting me know he was teaching Galatians, so I'm going, but only to study Galatians. It's the same exact people as last time in the class too, but this time I'm trying not to hope for friendship with anyone there. Today was mostly talking about the timeline of when Galatians was written, and it was kind of tedious, but hopefully next week we'll actually get to start at Gal. 1:1, LOL.

I decided to quit the handbell choir after last week's horrible practice (and nobody caring that I was upset, just passing me off as "you'll get better") and also the pastor's study class that was before practice (where I felt like a kindergardener in calculus class). So I won't have to go to church twice on Wednesdays anymore, just once for counseling.

Cat dream

As I’ve said before, I like to keep track of my dreams because I rarely remember them. Last night I dreamed that a shoebox-sized box was delivered by UPS and I opened one end of it. There was a cat stuffed inside. I pulled him out and he was all limp like a rag doll but he was alive. I asked my husband why did he get me a cat because I hate cats. He told me there were only five of these cats left in the whole world, and he saw it for sale on eBay and just had to buy it for me. Once I started examining the limp cat in my arms, I realized why he was so rare! He had gold eyes, the color of real gold. His fur was like a patchwork quilt of black and dark blue fur. Except looking closer I could see the blue fur actually had a tiny sapphire at the tip of each strand of fur. The black fur had a tiny diamond on each strand. So this cat sparkled like crazy. And then I noticed for the border of each patch of fur there was a gold (actual gold) line going vertically and a silver (actual silver) line going horizontally, and his ears were gold-lined. This cat was breathtaking! So I wrapped him up in a blanket and we went to bed, and I figured by morning he wouldn’t be so traumatized from his trip in the box. I marveled that he was even alive because the box had packing tape all over it and there were no holes in it for air. In my dream, before I fell asleep I was listing in my head all the things we would need to get for him the next day – a litter box, Meow Mix, a collar – and then I also decided we better check and make sure he was really a “he” too, because I couldn’t think of a name for him at first. I was thinking of “Dave”, as in Diamond Dave (what David Lee Roth used to be called until people started calling him “out-of-the-closet Dave”), but then I decided if the cat turned out to be a boy I’d call him Jewelian (like Julian) and if it was a girl just Jewel, so in my dream I went to sleep and then I woke up for real.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 10)

This chapter starts off by talking about how Lynnette's parents cared for the other children at their house while Lynnette and her husband were staying at the hospital with Anna, and how her parents took care of the farm and milked the goats. So I'm assuming that's behind Holly's first question in the read-along:

Have you ever tried goat's milk?

No! My first ex-husband's parents told me when he was a baby he was allergic to everything except goat's milk and it really stunk up their refrigerator! So I've never even wanted to try it, blech!

I wasn't really sure how to feel about Anna's surgery. On the one hand, I've been there myself (having surgery as a kid) and remember too well how scary it is. On the other hand, if Anna was only 9 months old, there's a great chance she wouldn't remember any of it. I know it must've been really tough seeing her with all the tubes, wires and machines (reminding them of Josiah) too. The thing I found most precious of this whole chapter was when they talked to Anna during this time at the hospital and telling her (remember, a 9 month old) that Jesus was with her too. I just felt like crying. I wonder what that's like, growing up in a family from Day 1 that included Jesus in everything. Because it sure is comforting to me as an adult.

Lynnette mentioned that as Anna recovered from the second surgery, she would respond physically to her parents' touch, like her oxygen saturation level would go up when they held her. Do you think that contact like Anna had with her parents can have a healing effect?

Yes, absolutely! I remember when I was little and had surgery, I would be in the recovery room for hours because I'd always get sick from the anesthesia. As soon as I was back in my room where my parents were waiting, the nurses would ALWAYS comment how quickly my health improved. One funny story too, when I had a hernia repair surgery five years ago, I told my husband how it seemed easier for me to come out of the anesthesia if I knew he was near and I told him to hold my hand as soon as he saw me after the surgery. He did remember to do it but he was squeezing my hand so hard that it really hurt! So it wasn't so helpful having him near that time.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 9)

This was a really short chapter but it was fun to read. I couldn't tell how long Lynnette's family ended up living in the Nightmare House, but I could relate to having to move AGAIN. When we were trying to sell our old house, it made my skin crawl knowing people were touring it with the realtor, even though we'd leave before they got there. (Yeah, I have mental problems, LOLOL.) I got so freaked about keeping it clean all the time (and I had just had major surgery a few months before), so my sweet husband moved us into a rental house for four months till our new house was finished building. (Of course, empty, clean houses look fantastic so our old house sold fairly quickly after we moved out!) So we ended up moving twice in four months and it was tough. Anyway, I loved reading about their menagerie of pets and animals. We have two dogs and two birds and that's enough.

Where do you desire to live?

Actually, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to live in Lawrence, Kansas, and I think it's hysterical finding out Lynnette lives in Kansas. My brother lived in Kansas about 15 years ago and I went to visit him when my oldest son was about 9 months old. We had THE BEST time. Everything in that town is all green and quiet, and it seemed like there were parks to play in everywhere! It's a big enough city that it has major name stores and restaurants but it's small enough that people are friendly. Four-season weather (instead of New Mexico's 2 months mild winter/10 months killer summer). I wouldn't want to live on a farm because it's too much work.

Relief and a concert

Color me surprised but my counselor actually didn't seem disappointed that I didn't go to the shower and seemed to really understand why I didn't. I was relieved. I'm going to share something he said in the hope it might help someone else. He said I could have talked to the baby's mother (who the shower was for) in advance to tell her how I was feeling, how uncomfortable and jealous and nervous I was. He said just me knowing that someone would then be aware of my feelings would prevent any outbursts or crying that I was scared I would have done there. He said people can't tell on the outside what you're feeling on the inside, so if they don't respond in kindness (which is what I would want if I was crying) it's because they just didn't know that I'm hurting.

My husband took the day off today and I was talking to him about all this when I got home, and he said something kind of neat. He said that deep inside I am a 5'10" leggy blonde who's very friendly even though my outside is freakish and worries what people think. He also said if I were a 5'10" leggy blonde on the outside, I wouldn't have given him the time of day, so he appreciates me the way I am.

Tonight (Wed.) we went to the Jeff Dunham concert. Most of his stuff that I've seen on Youtube is pretty funny, especially Achmed.



But unfortunately Jeff cursed a lot (it's bleeped out of the videos I've seen) and there were several adult jokes and themes (thankfully my kids didn't "get" it), but nonetheless it was kind of disappointing. In a way I'm happy to see that God has been working on my heart (and mind) since I wasn't amused by the language and crassness. Adrian Rogers said, "God doesn't modify our behavior in order to change us. He changes us in order to modify our behavior." People think that Christians don't "get to" do anything fun (a/k/a sinful), but lately I've been noticing (like tonight) that once God starts pouring you into that Jesus-shaped mold of His, you don't even "want to" sin. (So cool, God...)

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 8)

In case anyone was wondering, as an update to my previous post, I didn't go to the baby shower after all, last second decision (I had my keys in my hand walking to the car and I turned around and went back inside!). I know my good ol' counselor's going to nitpick this to death when I mention it tomorrow.

I loved the matter-of-fact way Lynnette described Anna's conditions but at the same time still talked about her like the sweet baby she was (like how the doctors let them be with Anna for a bit after she was born, just like you would with a baby with no problems). I liked how she wondered what Anna's future would hold (as far as having kids of her own, etc.) - things a mother of a healthy baby would ponder. By this time I was wishing Lynnette was my mom, LOL.

Have you incorporated any healthier living into your family? That would be a big fat no. My husband will only eat two vegetables, corn and potatoes. My kids are even pickier eaters than that. My sister is really big into eating healthy (no red meat, etc.) and she ruins every family occasion by critiquing everyone's food choices. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start eating healthier.

[Mentioning yet another rude doctor Lynnette encountered.] Have you encountered any doctors like this? Yes, lots, just from my own experience growing up. Even though I was young, I understood most of what they were saying as they told my parents dire things about me, like I wasn't even in the room.

Call my name

I'm going to a friend's baby shower this weekend. The thing I feel most scared of is overhearing people telling her how good of mom she's going to make. I've never heard that with my three and I've been feeling pretty angry, and I'm so jealous that my friend's family is excited about the new baby and not angry or ashamed about him. My counselor told me to practice how to behave and practice reminding myself God is with me so I don't get all hysterical and angry at the shower. I don't want to get into it but suffice it to say I'm feeling pretty lousy about myself and it's one of those times where you wonder why God would even want to love me. I know he does even though I don't want to believe it right now.

God, thanks for caring about me even though I'm awful. Thank you, God, for songs like this.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 7)

Soap box time! I want to comment like Holly and say I don’t like the words “birth defect.” Actually, I don’t like the words “disabled,” “handicapped,” or even “special.” All of those words describe someone who should be excluded and I just hate it.

What do you think of these verses and how they relate to that line?

I don’t think God is the only one who can “give” us “more than we can handle.” We have an enemy whose goal is to keep us on the evil side. From the 2 Corinthians verse especially, to me it sounds like God is promising to be with us through the highs and lows, no matter who “gave” them to us. As for the first verse (regarding temptation), I think the enemy is so crafty tempting you that asking God for help is the last thing on your mind, especially in this day and age. But I digress. I think when we’re at the end of our rope and thinking we can’t handle even one more thing, when you get to that point and you just want to end it all, that’s when it’s scary to not be a Christian because there’s no hope. You might feel like a big chicken or a big baby for asking God for help, but just ask ... he really does help you.

Have you had any moments in your life where you felt really close to God?

I didn’t think Lynnette’s recollection of how she found Anna’s name to be that big of a stretch. I can believe it!! God does speak to you through the Bible, he does! It’s hard to explain it to a non-Christian who doesn’t think God can talk to people anymore, but I’ve had instances in my own life that are similar to Lynnette’s. In 2008 I vowed to memorize one Bible verse a month (I know, I know – I’m not the brightest star in the sky so it takes a while to get these permanently in my head!). I decided since I had been reading through the bible since October (with BlueLetterBible.org’s NLT reading plan), when I came across a verse that really stuck out on the 1^st of the month, I would write it down and that would be my memory verse for the month. All of the verses I memorized in 2008 were dead-on specific to what I was going through at the time; it was awesome.

I felt really close to God for the first time a couple months after I started counseling. My husband and oldest son don’t get along and they were fighting really bad at dinner. They were posing like they were going to hit each other, they were throwing things, and my youngest two ran into their bedrooms. I felt frozen because I didn’t want either my husband or son to get hurt and I was screaming at them to stop but they weren’t listening, and I ran down the hall to my bedroom crying to God that I was so scared, and as soon as I shut the bedroom door I felt like I was wrapped in a blanket snuggly safe even though I could still hear the fighting from the kitchen, and I know God was there with me.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 6)

I don't really know what to think about Kyle's business adventure. I wonder what he must have been thinking taking a risk like that when he had a wife and kids to support! I'd rather be married to someone who made minimum wage consistently than worrying about if money came in AT ALL. Wow.

A new pregnancy is mentioned in this chapter too, and there is something "wrong" with the baby. I hated the way the doctor behaved and I'm seething. I wonder why it is that some doctors can't give any hope to parents like Lynnette and Kyle (and my mom and dad too). Before this little girl is even born, the first doctor is rendering her useless. I liked the second doctor much better, how he explained the things he could do to help their baby.

Are there things in your life you imagined different? The last 25 years have been a real roller coaster for me. I look back on it all and wonder what I was supposed to have learned from it. As a kid I always dreamed of being married and having kids, and I do have that now, even though I took a detour (or ten) to get here.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 5)

I liked this chapter a lot. I could relate to Lynnette's growing resentment of her husband's time away from the family, even if it was for a great reason. My husband works a full time job and then teaches part time at night during the school year, and every Friday for the past 12 years he spends several hours after work with his best friend. I don't have any help from my husband but I've never expected him to because we had an agreement up front that he would work and pay the bills, and I'd do everything else. I do feel resentful when my husband's away ONLY when he criticizes the things I didn't do in my "job."

Anyway, I totally agree with her idea that more of the elders should get involved with teaching and other voluntary jobs around the church so that the younger men with families could stay home where they're needed. (Side rant: I play Sims 2 and as soon as your Sim people hit elder age, there really isn't much for them to do unless their kids marry and move them in as permanent babysitters. Honestly, when they're single and elderly I either make them meditate the remainder of their lives away or use a cheat code to make them die sooner.)

What are some things you would like to do more as a family?

It's hard because my husband grew up in a family where his parents were very self-centered (took trips and left the kids at home, would hole up in their bedroom watching TV while the kids took care of themselves, etc.), so my longing for stuff to do as a family feels like torture to him. Going out to eat or to the movies with the kids makes him miserable. So it's really hard for me to suggest anything. Frankly, at this point, getting through dinner without anyone yelling is probably #1 to strive for on my list. Hey, at least we do eat dinner together, right?

I quit following Challies blog

... and removed his quotes from my Facebook page and left the FB Challies group. Most of the time, his blog is fascinating because he is a voracious reader of Christian books and he is very smart. Till today. I think his blogging success has gone to his head. He wasn't very Christlike at all today. Basically, he wrote a very unkind post about "original sin" and that since babies can't make decisions for Christ, they don't go Heaven.

Yes, he touched a nerve because he wrote this entry based on some woman who said she was wrestling with having had two abortions. (He keeps saying he didn't write this entry to her so somehow it's okay to not be Christlike.) Some commenters have already mentioned this verse but I'm repeating it here:

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

And I don't think a child can get any more "little" than when he's one-minute-after-conception old, don't you?

1 John 2:2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

GotQuestions.org mentions this verse and adds (in a question about age of accountability):

This verse is clear that Jesus' death was sufficient for all sins, not just the sins of those who specifically have come to Him in faith. The fact that Christ's death was sufficient for all sin would allow the possibility of God’s applying that payment to those who were never capable of believing.

When the infant of Bathsheba and David died, David said, "I shall go to him, but he will not return to me." (the last part of 2 Sam. 12:23)

I know this probably won't fly with many people, but remember how John the Baptist (as a fetus) knew who Jesus was because John leapt in Elizabeth's womb when Mary (newly pregnant with Jesus) came into the room? John the Baptist (the fetus) never actually saw Jesus either that day, so couldn't the soul of a pre-born or otherwise young child know who Jesus is too?

I realize that one less person following his blog isn't going to faze Mr. Challies a bit, but I feel better. I miss Claudia. I just know she is not in hell, and I will see her again someday.

What's her problem

I just got done reading a negative post on another blog and here I go with mine. SORRY!

Remember my "friend" J who keeps hurting me? Apparently, she has been saying junk about me because our mutual friend "A" won't even write to me directly, and I don't have a problem with HER. Anyway, J forwarded me an email from A (who is moving tomorrow night and asked all of us to stop by if we wanted). J adds onto the end of the email that if I wanted to be at A's house at a different time than her, that I could go before or after she (J) does. What gives? It sounds like a divorce or something! It sounds like J is mad at ME (????). I didn't do anything to her. She is the one who keeps blabbing all the private stuff I shared in bible study (even though she doesn't think she did anything wrong and thus won't apologize). My husband told me to just not worry about it, go see A if I want to (or don't go if I don't want to), that J is desperately trying to get the power back, and if I ignore her email (he said) I'll still have it. This takes the cake, though, her slamming me for being mad and making people feel sorry for her (like she didn't do anything to hurt ME). I think I will just write A directly someday and tell her I will mail the CD's she let me borrow to her new place. Then J won't have anything to be smug about.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 4)

I just want to comment that this chapter was pretty depressing. I know the book is about losses, but I guess it’s like watching Titanic: you already know how it ends but you’re still surprised when the guy yells, “Iceberg!” You know? Anyway, reading about Josiah being whisked away and the attempts to save his little body just really hurt my heart. It really bothers me observing others in pain.

If you have experienced labor, what was yours like?

Never experienced labor – I had 3 c-sections. Both of my sons were born under general anesthesia but I did get to be awake for my daughter’s.

Do you know of anyone whose lives have been impacted by CDH (or has your own)?

No, I don’t know anyone and I haven’t myself either.

How do these words spoken by Kyle make you feel?

Conflicted. I still feel guilty over mistakes I’ve made in my past, and I suffer from anxiety about making mistakes in the future. I don’t understand why God would “bring” and “plan” all the problems I’ve had in the past (because those were choices I made) or why I would deserve God wanting to “protect” me during them (because, again, those were choices I made). A few weeks ago I read a short column on Christianity.com called "God's Sovereignty and Your Mistakes" which was so helpful to me. It does make sense. If God can “allow” people to do crummy things to me, why would he not “allow” me to do crummy things to someone else (or even to myself)? What if he knew in advance all the bad mistakes I make and actually WANTED me to make them?

During difficult times, where do you find your comfort?

Before August 2007 I would say alcohol, one-night stands, smoking, listening to loud angry music, and playing multi-player online games. When I started counseling that month, I learned healthier and more stable ways to find comfort: praying, reaching out for help from safe others, meditating on verses or with music or with pictures of Jesus or nature.

What would you say (if God asked for permission)?

Wow, nowadays I think my faith is a lot stronger and I would say bring it on, knowing that God would be with me always! But even a year ago I think I would be angry and protesting, even panicking, if I knew in advance what God was wanting permission for things to happen. Looking back on my life, it just seems so complicated and conflicting knowing what to feel about it. I didn’t get asked about suffering those things. I feel guilty about it because I think I would have handled things a lot better if I had KNOWN God was really with me. Back then, I wouldn’t have given permission and, in fact, I would be exactly like the rest of the world, saying, “How could a loving God allow this?”