Claudia

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."  John 13:7

Twenty-six years ago today I made the biggest mistake of my life.  I like this verse that Caroline had on her blog after her m/c.  Except 26 years later I still don't get it but because of this verse I can be hopeful that someday I will.  Matthew West's pretty song All The Broken Pieces also bugs me for the same reason.

For a long time I wished I could go back in a time machine and do that day over and make a different choice.  Just recently I have realized that even if I did go back to 1985 I would be the same stupid pushover girl I was when I was 17.  I mean, I still do stuff EVEN NOW that I don't WANT to do so that people don't get mad at me.  But this realization finally mutes the string of "if-onlys" that I constantly had in my head.

The only things I have planned for today is the monthly meeting with the Rachel's Vineyard people (yeah, January's meeting falls on Claudia's day) and then tonight my husband's taking us out to eat, and even though he doesn't really know that today is THE day (although he does know I had an abortion in my past), in my heart I can say this is a special dinner to remember Claudia with.  Editing to add:  This is awesome, the sweet person from the Wishing Tree website sent the photo of Claudia's name a few minutes ago.  I sent a request in after I saw Jordan and Carleigh's.  You can see Claudia's here.

I've completed a big project to commemorate Claudia's day!  I'm sure it won't mean much to anyone else but since I'm interested in music (specifically 80's music), I typed a huge list!  My husband had gotten an inter-library loan of the book Billboard's Hot 100 Charts - The Eighties (top 100 list for every week from 1/1/80 to 12/31/89).  And for the past 12 weeks (October 26 to today, Claudia's lifespan) I've typed each week's 100 songs.  I think it's kind of cool.  Remember that goofy song by Wham, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go?  At the beginning of her life, it was #6 on the charts and by the end it had dropped to #55.  I mention that song specifically because it's ironic they're dancing around in CHOOSE LIFE t-shirts.  (Another funny thing, in 1984 when the video came out, people were actually debating whether George Michael was gay or not.)

I love you, Claudia!

New year

At the end of my appointment today, my counselor said next week we could talk about the 15th (Claudia's day) if I wanted to.  It made me feel really good that he remembered.  I will find out if he thinks I should go to that Rachel's Vineyard meeting.  I also might do a remembrance thing with him for Claudia at my next appointment on the 12th.  I'm kind of wondering if this should be the last time (concentrating on her).  I'm not just missing her on January 15, I miss her other times too and sometimes even want to go to heaven so I can see her (when I'm really depressed).  I get stuck in this grief though, and in the meantime I don't notice people still living who are caring about me.

For my "New Year's Resolution," I'm doing another reading plan on Blue Letter Bible.  I did it successfully once before in 2008.