Six Word Saturday (7/28/13)

There Really Isn't Much Going On

It rained three different days this week!  We really needed it too.  It made my walks a little challenging from all the puddles though.  This picture doesn't show it but early in the morning the entire width of the path was underwater from big puddles all the way down to the end.

My daughter took this picture with her phone when she got up five hours after I went walking, so she was really teasing me about the "huge" puddles (which had evaporated a lot by then!).

I swear my kids are like vampires because they stay up all night playing video games and texting friends, and then the next day they sleep in and I don't see them till way after I have lunch.  I'm a little worried how they're going to adjust in a couple weeks when they start school.  Maybe next week I should wake them up (or keep them up) at 8 so then the next week it won't be so bad when they have to get up at 7 for school.

And that's all I have this time!

Six Word Saturday (7/20/13)

Donuts, Risking Things, and Ending Friendship

Monday the 15th my daughter and I went to Starbucks for the first time ever.  Now I know what all the hype is about.  I had a mocha frappuccino and she had this complicated iced tea drink (I know two of the flavors were green tea and peach).  We went to Wal-Mart and I got her the "As Seen On TV" earwax vacuum.  She used it for about 15 seconds when we got home and said it wasn't helping (exasperating!).  Later that day she came over to me and said she was able to hear for about a minute and now it was clogged up again.  I was so relieved because I knew at that point that her ear would get better.

Dunkin' Donuts actually opened on the 16th.  My husband and kids went after dinner the next night and picked up some donuts.  It was kind of disappointing because instead of boston cream filled, the chocolate frosted donuts had lemon filling in them.  I think the store made a mistake and they didn't taste good.

Wednesday at therapy we talked about taking risks with people (to see if they want to be friends, etc., and specifically my current situation of trying to repair a relationship).  I realized that I could risk someone rejecting me because I do have a "safety net" of sorts:  my therapist would still be there caring about me.  I've known him for a few years now so I don't have any reason to doubt him.  What happened Friday really solidified my trust in him though.

For the past couple weeks my therapist had been supporting me in composing a response to my "friend" who I had problems with (I was excluded from her wedding, for starters).  He told me I should write her some of my background and then explain how it affects me in the present time, thinking that would help.  I told her her to give me some more time to finish a response, and I finally sent it yesterday.  She wrote back within two hours.  Since it was so fast, I thought she was just being a brat and writing to me requesting more time (like I did to her).  So the long email I got from her totally knocked me down.  She was blaming, she was preaching, and she didn't make much effort to understand where I was coming from.  I wasn't expecting it at all and it hurt excruciatingly.  I jumped up from my computer and my first inclination was to go break some dishes, like that would help the pain in my chest.  I remembered I had felt that same pain and wanting to break things on the 25th anniversary of my abortion in 2010, and I felt that way because my parents and sister were having an ordinary day and I was having a painful one and they don't ever acknowledge I'm upset.

The pain was excruciating and desperate, like I was sinking in quicksand, and I literally screamed "God!" (like how you'd scream to him for help one last time before your head goes under).  And I actually felt instantly pulled out, and I felt protected and rescued, and it felt amazing.  I said "Oh that's right, you're with me."  Isn't that weird how you don't even think about him being with you 24/7 until something bad happens and then it feels like a surprise to find out he's right there.  Anyway, it felt like I was on autopilot (or another pilot) because I was calm but knew I should hurry and send her email to my therapist before he left for the day.  Just knowing he would be aware that she wrote me back would make me feel more comfortable.  Although she did make a few good points and she did embarrass me a lot, the need for him to know about the hurtful things she said outweighed him possibly taking her side or thinking I was an idiot.  Then I texted him to say I sent it so he'd check email before shutting off his computer.  I felt a little pain because I also texted him that I wanted someone to care and I was scared he'd take her side, but then I felt peaceful again.  He texted me back immediately "I care" and that he'd get back to me soon.  The phenomenal thing about this happening is that I'm not fantasizing about retaliating in a violent way or obsessing/ruminating about her.  Last night I slept fine.  If anything, I'm proud (if that's the word) of God that he's helping me keep from thinking about her and how much it hurts.  I told my therapist when I forwarded her email that I don't want friends anymore, ever, and he wrote me back that it's perfectly understandable.  I feel listened to and cared about and I feel peaceful and not panicked that I can't make it till my next session.  I confidently feel like I'll be okay.  It's awesome.

Six Word Saturday (7/13/13)

Coming Home, Problems, and My Birthday

Sunday the 7th after breakfast at the hotel we started the long drive home, making it all the way to Raton, N.M., and stayed overnight at Holiday Inn Express (indoor pool again).  We ate at Pizza Hut and the people there were exceptionally nice.  Even though we warned the kids continually about swimming safely and avoiding swimmer's ear, my daughter finally confessed to me that her ear had been bothering her for two days and was getting worse.  My husband got some items at a Wal-Mart to help clean her earwax with but she still couldn't hear out of it even though the pain was better.

The next day we drove the rest of the way home, stopping at a Taco Bell in Belen.  Belen is out in the middle of nowhere and this Taco Bell was out in the middle of, out in the middle of, nowhere.  When my husband saw it, he commented in this little wistful voice, "It's like a little Taco Bell oasis out in the desert."  Too funny!

The 9th was my 46th birthday.  Dunkin' Donuts was supposed to have their grand opening but we drove by and it looked like it was still being worked on, so my husband took me to Burger King for lunch instead, and then for dinner we went to Texas Roadhouse and had a great dinner.  My kids and husband got me some Turtles candy and two pairs of earrings.  My mother-in-law got me a pedometer that you hook up to your USB drive on the computer every night and a program keeps track of how many steps you walk.  I like it.

At counseling on the 10th we did this exercise where a tender, compassionate version of yourself sits in one chair and your hard-nosed unforgiving (i.e. regular) self sits in another.  I'm really hard on myself about people not liking me, blaming myself for it, feeling like I should be able to fix it somehow.  Then my compassionate self commented that it seriously hurts me to be rejected and I am just really desperate to have friends and it can't be all my fault things aren't working out.  I felt listened to.  I felt real.  The surprising thing was I truly didn't need "references" to back up how I feel.  (Like saying "my husband feels like this too" or "remember when so-and-so felt the same thing.")  I could just say "I feel like X" and mean it, and it didn't cross my mind that someone might disagree or might want me to feel something different.

On Friday after my husband's helping my daughter nightly with ear washing, my daughter went to my husband at 10:00 at night complaining about her ear and he went ballistic.  He helped her begrudgingly and I walked in as she was laying on our bed while he was doing it.  He yelled at me to go away and I said I was getting ready for bed.  He was glaring at me.  My daughter looked miserable and mouthed to me "I'm sorry."  After she got done, my husband quickly turned off the light and pretended to be asleep before I could get in bed and talk to him about what happened.  The next morning my daughter had emailed me that he got mad at her for flinching one of the times he squirted water in her ear.  She said whenever he took wax or water out of her ear after that, he squirted it directly on her face.  My heart was broken.  I told her that was mean of him and disgusting and I told her I'd take her to the doctor, even though she has already been there twice for swimmer's ear this summer and my husband didn't want her to get any more antibiotics because he thinks she will become immune to it if she ever gets genuinely sick.  The worst part of this was both Saturday and Sunday he refused to speak to my daughter at all.  She's usually his errand buddy but she never got to go anywhere with him.  Because he was being so childish, he didn't even talk to me Saturday!  The most hurtful thing about the weekend though was he would talk to my son like normal and act all friendly with him, and then my daughter walks in the room and he'd glare at her and walk out.  Having to deal with that treatment from him myself is hard enough, but it was torture watching my daughter suffer from it.  He loudly told my son that "maybe your mother should take your sister to the doctor."  Oh sure, it's a great idea if he's the one who thinks of it, huh.  I told her to stop going to her father for help

Six Word Saturday (7/6/13)

Memories from Our South Dakota Trip

I had counseling on Monday (7/1).  It feels irrational now but I was very anxious that something bad was going to happen to me on vacation and I'd never see my therapist again, so I was really adamant that he always remember he was important to me.  (In hindsight, it just upsets me when people die who I love and it feels so final and uncomfortable not having them loving me back anymore.)  Anyway, my therapist promised me he'd remember.  We also practiced sticking up for my kids in case somebody made mean comments to me about them at the family reunion.

We left at 5 a.m. on 7/2 in a rental car (SUV) and my husband drove to Cheyenne before we checked into a Holiday Inn Express motel.  It had an indoor pool so the kids got to swim.   The hotel looked new or newly renovated and the beds were super comfortable.

The next day was more driving till we got to Custer, S.D.  We went to the Crazy Horse monument that is still under construction (still charged $27 a carload to see it though!).  Just his face and part of an extended arm is finished.  My husband told me they blast another chunk off every year.  We saw the monument back in 2003 too, and I couldn't see any difference at all.  At this rate, it's going to be a thousand years before they get it finished.

Then we drove to Hill City and checked into our hotel (another Holiday Inn Express with indoor pool).  We had lunch at a 50's style place called Hubcap Diner.  We drove to my husband's grandmother's house close by.  My husband's parents, sisters, brother and their families were all there already.

On the 4th we went to Cabello's outdoorsman store because my husband was looking for bullets for his gun back home (stores around here run out of ammo fast).  The jaw-dropping thing about this store was a huge display of all kinds of real animals (stuffed by taxidermy). 

We also eventually went to Old McDonald's Farm, a petting zoo, but rainy weather delayed us going for a while.  I was looking forward the whole trip just to go there since we had such a blast there in 2003 but my husband was being a jerk ("Last thing I want to do is touch a bunch of wet animals").  The kids acted bored.  My husband wouldn't give us money for the animal food.  We barely took any pictures.  I didn't get to hold a baby turkey this time.  I did get a t-shirt though.

The kids wanted to play go-carts so they really perked up when my husband drove us there.  It was hilly and had stairs everywhere so I just sat and watched them race.  After that we went to my husband's aunt's house for dinner and his brother and sisters and their families were there again.  At dusk all the kids took turns lighting sparklers and other minor fireworks, except for my son who sat in the same dining room chair the entire night.  I think someone teased him and I wasn't there so I couldn't stand up for him after all.

On the 5th my husband took the kids to Mt. Rushmore and they hiked the trail around it and got some great pictures.  I had been to Mt. Rushmore 10 years ago so I didn't want to go again (plus with all the hiking they did, I'm glad I didn't go).  They got me a t-shirt though.  We all went to a small museum downtown that had two full dinosaur skeletons on display.  I'm not sure how I feel about dinosaurs but I was a good sport.  We ate at Hubcap Diner again for lunch (the first time I had a BLT and this time I had a cheeseburger and both were excellent).  We went to my husband's grandmother's house for dinner with his whole family again and she fixed spaghetti with buttery cheesy toasted bread from the broiler.  My kids loved it.

The 6th we spent the day at my husband's grandmother's house for her 90th birthday.  It was a beautiful day for it.