Ending 2009 on a great note

First of all, I had just read five minutes ago that Shelley had her babies. She is such a cool person and it just overjoys me that God blessed her with these two little ones!!! THAT news in itself feels like it could make my whole year.

Oh but before that, earlier today, I got an email from my counselor and he told me he's so amazed at how courageous I am and he also said he feels honored when I share stuff with him, but the biggest surprise was he said I have a huge impact on his life. I couldn't stop smiling this morning after I read it. My last session was kind of hard so I think he wanted to give me some positive feedback (because I have a tendency to feel negative - no, REALLY!).

Also a couple days ago Franchesca from Abiding Hope Collages sent me Claudia's name collage. I told her I wanted it by the 15th but she got it done so fast!!! I told her I was going to put it here on the 15th (Claudia's 25th anniversary in heaven).

Well, I was going to do a Back To The Future marathon for New Year's Eve tonight, but I feel like a slug just sitting here watching it. I watched the whole first one though. Two interesting little tidbits -- when Doc Brown was going to get in the time machine (right when the Libyans showed up), he had told Marty he was going 25 years into the future (which would be 2010). Pretty neat, eh? Also, me and my husband met on November 5, 1996. The first time Marty goes to the past (when the Libyans were racing behind him), the time machine was set to November 5, 1955.

Okay, I know my husband would say it's just a random number (like, he's not excited when my car odometer rolled over to 208,000.0 the other day). But I think it's way cool.

Happy New Year!

Christmas

For the end of Steve's 25 Days of Christmas: Yesterday's song was The Night Before Christmas (In Texas, That Is) by Gene Autry. And today's is Jingle Bells and Tracks in the Snow - a Country Bear Jamboree song from Tokyo Disneyland (so yes, it's mostly in Japanese).

I guess Christmas went okay. The kids got up way early and we opened all the presents. My son's girlfriend came over after that and had breakfast with us. She got me a book, a bookmark, a CD from Surface With Pearls (it must be a local band because I can't find anything about them on the internet at all, but the music is really good) and an angel pin. My sister-in-law made me a pot holder (one of those round things that you put on the table so a hot pan doesn't burn it). She put my name then my ex's last name then my current last name on the outside. That kind of hurt me. My daughter got a FurReal Cuddle Chimp from "Santa" (wink) and I just love her! When she filled out the adoption certificate, she decided since it was Christmas she'd name her chimp Holly. Pretty funny.

Pretty speechless

First, to catch you up on all the mp3's from Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music:

12/19 - Mannheim Steamroller - Kling, Glockchen
12/20 - Lester Lanin and his Orchestra - Christmas Night in Harlem. The archives on this page contain the English version of Very Merry Christmas Parade (Disneyland) and a couple versions of "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow."
12/21 - Kevin Mahler - Pirate's Christmas. The archives on this page have a couple Christmas songs from Star Wars. Yes, Star Wars.
12/22 - The Andrews Sisters - Christmas Island
12/23 - Billy Ward & the Dominoes - Christmas in Heaven. The archives on this page has the song "Welcome Christmas" that all the Whos in Whoville sang in the Grinch Who Stole Christmas cartoon.

Speaking of that cartoon, I remember about 6 or 7 years ago when my youngest was not quite two, after our Christmas tree got decorated, Melanie dragged him over to the tree and they swayed back and forth singing "daboo story" (what they thought the Whos were singing).

Went to counseling today and I ended up blurting out that I wished someone could say I was a good mom (because people's silence about it makes me feel like the opposite is true). Although he never actually said those exact words, he did say that he always notices that I'm very empathetic to my kids, and he thought that was truly amazing considering how I was treated when I was little. So that made me feel pretty good.

THEN I was making dinner tonight and I got a call from a fairly new friend from church. I visited her in the hospital a couple times this year because she has lupus. Anyway, she said she wanted to bring something over for me, and it was a present! She gave me a pretty box of gift sample perfumes and some chocolates and a snowman family decoration. I was just speechless. I know I said thank you and Merry Christmas but I didn't gush or cry or anything. My husband said she probably wanted to "give back" since I visited her in the hospital and that I didn't need to feel bad that I didn't get her anything.

Lastly, on Facebook today I put up our family Christmas picture and a friend of mine from high school (who has the same kind of disability I do) commented that she liked it and she also said that my family is blessed to have me for a mom and for a wife. Wow! I love how God knew I really needed to hear that.

Six Word Saturday - 12/19/09

I got my Christmas cards sent.

I wrote out 19 cards, licked 19 envelopes, and stuck on about 35 stamps this morning, and now our Christmas cards are being driven to the post office by my husband for mailing. I love sending and receiving Christmas cards. Here's the picture we sent with the cards. (I know my hair looks stupid but at least I'm sitting down...).

Look back on this and laugh - not

I'm starting to think maybe staying inside my house permanently isn't such a bad idea.

Yesterday I had jury duty. On the way there I started panicking because I didn't want to get selected. I feel like I'm too stupid to be on a jury. I got in the parking lot of the courthouse and sat in my car hysterical. I'm unqualified and incompetent to do it. And I knew I didn't get picked the last couple times I went so I figured my luck was running out. I was praying (screaming) I wouldn't get picked, it was awful because I felt so immature wanting God to get me out of this when people have a lot bigger problems than that. So I sat in the courtroom for an hour with everyone else, and the attorneys kept coming in and then leaving, and finally they came back in and the judge announced that they settled the case and we could go home. Merry Christmas to me!!

The other thing ... my husband keeps getting on me about the house, like when I go to volunteer and he comes home and I hadn't gotten everything spiffy, he goes ballistic. So I can't even do anything else besides cleaning or I feel guilty and ashamed. And I took home a dozen lessons yesterday to grade for volunteering (since I feel guilty now for being there) and did half last night and was going to do half this morning after I took a shower. The kids went to school, I get out of the shower and discover that Savannah (the beagle puppy) had gotten on the kitchen table and chewed parts of four student's report cards, part of an answer page out of my grade book and ALL the cards and papers were strewn all over the floor! I just don't want to go in and have to tell them what happened. I know they will think it's funny, but it's not funny. I'm really upset about it. I know my husband will tell me I shouldn't have left the stuff in the kitchen. I want to offer to re-type and re-input grades for those four report cards too. I'm just so irritated and upset! My oldest son yelled at me (because he helped me gather up everything into a pile) that there was "nothing I could do about it now!" The thing is, this just adds to my mood from yesterday, because my daughter took my Black Hills Gold bracelet to school and it didn't come home with her, and she won't tell me what she did with it. She also took a necklace the day before that someone had made for me 10 years ago, and she won't tell me where it is. I feel like nothing of mine matters to anyone! Not even a stupid dog!! I'm so sick of this.

Ending on a positive note, we got our family Christmas pictures taken last night finally. I get to address all the cards but that will have to wait till I get home from dropping the lessons off.

A trying day

I didn't have a very good day. Today my counselor told me I could cut down on my stress by exercising outdoors and relaxing/meditating. I feel like if I take time out to do that, I won't get the other stuff done that I need to do. I can barely concentrate on my typing work; how am I supposed to meditate for 15 minutes? Christmas is getting closer and I just dread it. I know everyone will be disappointed that day and so will I. It hurts.

I give up. The way we're talking about Claudia in counseling is like grieving and it just really hurts and it feels pointless, and I asked my counselor today if we could try dealing with it another way because I just can't take it.

I'm sorry this is so depressing but I didn't want to just keep it inside. My counselor knows about it. The thing is, even if a fairy godmother came down and told me she'd help me, I wouldn't know what to ask for.

To catch up on 25 Days of Christmas Music:

December 14 - Merry, Merry Christmas by Koko Taylor. (As his post says, this song was featured in the movie While You Were Sleeping, and I agree it's a great Christmas movie!!

December 15 - Christmas in Tinseltown by Big Voodoo Daddy. (The 2002 archive has two classic Christmas songs "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" from Brenda Lee and "Jingle Bell Rock" from Bobby Helms that you hear in a lot of movies.)

December 16 - Colorado Christmas by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. In the archives for this day in 2002, they have Feliz Navidad (a video I posted a few days ago, LOLOL!) and Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby. As soon as I saw this, I smiled because it reminds me of the scene in Christmas Vacation where Chevy Chase is fantasizing about the swimming pool he's going to buy with his big bonus from work. The part where he gets startled when the beautiful woman's swimsuit hits the window cracks me up EVERY TIME and I've seen this movie 100s of times.

If your fly is open MAYBE

My inlaws were down here yesterday and they brought our Christmas card with them instead of mailing it. They have a Christmas letter and a couple pages of photographs from their travels and visits throughout the year. They used one of the pictures of us from our trip to Wisconsin over the summer. I have trouble walking, I have scoliosis in my back so I walk weird, very awkwardly. At any rate, one of the pictures shows us walking towards the camera. I look hideous. When I saw the picture, I sucked in my breath really loud. And my mother in law KNEW, she KNEW exactly why I was upset because she SAID, "What, you don't like the picture of you?" If they KNEW, if they KNEW it made me look horrible, WHY DID THEY USE IT? If they KNEW it would humiliate me????? Is this some kind of joke!!!! Holy crap, my father in law is a CEO of a computer company in Albuquerque, he's a millionaire, he knows tons of people they send those Christmas letters to. Even former President Bush. I just can't fathom how they can get away with sending a horrible picture of me that makes me look like a freak to people I don't even know!!!!!! And to act like it's no big deal!!! HOW would they like it if I took a picture of them when they looked like crap, like I put for the title of this thing, if their fly was open? And I sent THEIR picture to all kinds of people who didn't even know them. I'm really hurt. I know it's illogical but when I get stared at I just wish I was never even born at all. My husband, of course, is sticking up for his parents and saying I didn't look that bad. My FOOT!!!!

After we had breakfast today, they took another picture of us outside Village Inn (like they always do), but this time my husband had my youngest son stand in front of me so I look normal. Is it too much to ask to make sure everyone looks good (and normal)? Was it THAT HARD??? I realize having a freak in the picture makes everyone else look terrific though.

Today's song on Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music is Italian Jingle Bells.

Six Word Saturday

I can't be sick - inlaws coming!

Tuesday on my way to counseling I picked up a BK Mocha Joe (iced coffee from Burger King). I waited till I got in the office before I even opened my straw because I wanted to see if my counselor wanted any first. He asked me if I was sure, because he felt he was getting sick (sniffles) but here's me, "Oh, no problem, go ahead!" (You'll need to remember this story in a sec.)

Sunday I had gotten one ticket for last night's Christmas program at church. Then Wednesday night my son and his girlfriend asked if they could come. I was so pleased because last year I tried hauling the kids around to different Christmassy things and they hated it so this year I decided if I felt like doing something Christmassy I would do it by myself and save the stress. So I called the church office to see if they would hold two more tickets for me (they said they only had 9 left, yipes!). I said I was coming on Friday for an appointment and the receptionist told me she would give them to my counselor so I wouldn't have to walk so far to the office. Very nice.

Yesterday my counselor calls me and says we have to cancel because he is sick (throwing up, etc.) and he sounded like crap. All I could think while he's talking is "... and I let you drink some of my BK Mocha Joe!!!!" Ugh. He said he would give my tickets back to the receptionist so I could pick them up.

Last night's show was very good! All the choir members wore black and it looked really good. There was one guy and one lady who alternated reading between the songs. They all sang some secular songs and some religious ones, while everyone in the audience sat at tables eating huge pieces of cake. I had some coffee that had pumpkin pie spice in it (interesting taste, but not my favorite). My son and his girlfriend seemed to like the show (it's free and something to do, my son told me). Last night our beagle puppy (who's now bigger than our 3-year-old chihuahua mix) slept in between me and my husband, but facing ME so her paws kept pushing on my back and waking me up. And then this morning when I finally had enough and just decided to get up, I find out I'm sick. Hopefully, it's just the cake/weird coffee combination/puppy chiropractic maneuvers and not my counselor's crud.

To catch up with Steve's 25 Days of Christmas songs:

December 10 - Christmas in Dixie (by Alabama). This is actually a really good song and Steve is wrong. In the archives for 2008 is "The 12 Days of Christmas" and it gives a link for the Muppets/John Denver version. My mom had a tape 30 years ago from Avon with that song on it (she hated Miss Piggy singing "5 gooooooooold riiiiiiiiiiiiiings! BA DA BOM BOM!")

December 11 - Santaville - Kathy Dunn (on this page you'll notice in the archives for 2002 was Home for the Holidays by Perry Como, and I remember my dad playing that song when I was a kid so I downloaded that one too).

Today - O Little Town of Bethlehem - Over The Rhine

My inlaws are coming into town today to drop off our Christmas presents and take us out to eat steak somewhere. I hope I feel okay by then. My husband won't even talk to my parents let alone go out to eat with them if they visit, so to be fair I shouldn't have to see his parents, right? Oh well, free steak, and I actually do like my inlaws for the most part.

The feedback from yesterday

Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music selection for today is Squirrel Nut Zippers - Carolina Christmas. I also want to point out that in the archive for 2002 on that same page is the Disney Christmas Parade music! Oh, man, if you've ever seen the lighted parade, just listening to that song will bring it all back in your head. SO COOL! It's from Disneyland Paris so the synthesized voice at the beginning is in French, LOL.

Anyway, I did tell my counselor about that horrid dream. He had some good insight. He thinks the part about me crying/nobody noticing and me burning down the cabin was significant because in my life I feel frustrated that nobody listens to me and I'm stuck and I feel liked I'd have to do something drastic like that in order to get people's attention. Yeah, well, the sick part is it's not just me being egotistical "look at me" stuff; my counselor knows it's more like "help me" because I'm hurting, and that concerns him. It looked like it bothered him that I woke up and was still plotting to stay inside my house for years and years so that people wouldn't find out I killed someone. Also, just wanted to record/remember that he DID seem concerned after all about me not sleeping.

Sleep needed

On Steve's 25 Days of Christmas, yesterday's song was "North Pole Comedy Club" by the Muppets and today's is actually two songs, one a jingle from the post office from 1966 about putting zip codes on your Christmas cards and the other is "Santa and the Purple People Eater."

I go see my counselor today. I know I do a lot of "projecting" onto him but right now I'm angry because I'm thinking when I tell him I haven't been sleeping that great, he will be apathetic. I've been staying up as late as I can, till I can't keep my eyes open, so that I don't have to worry about not being able to fall asleep, but then I have crazy scary dreams and wake up 3-4 hours later. I feel like a ZOMBIE! My problem is I don't even KNOW what reaction I want from him or other people when I say I'm not sleeping.

Last night's dream was such a doozy, it's still with me. It had elements of a bunch themes of crummy things that have happened to me. In my dream I was at a music camp where we stayed in little cabins outside. (I can't carry a tune in a bucket so that should've tipped me off right there that it was a dream, but I WAS in handbell choir for a while.) The songs we practiced in my dream were really hard and I wasn't singing it right and felt really upset, and everyone around me was totally oblivious to the fact I was crying (this actually did happen in handbells). So that night I soaked bath towels in gasoline and lit them on fire and threw them on top of the roof of the choir director's cabin, and I went back in my cabin and went to sleep. In the morning there was just a big pile of ashes where the choir director's cabin - and the choir director - had been. And everyone's all crying and nobody even suspected it was me who did it because I'm physically weak. But in my dream I got really paranoid thinking that eventually they will figure it out. So that's the point I woke up! And GET THIS - I was actually laying in bed trying to figure out how I could just stay in my house for the next 50 years because I knew people would be able to tell I killed someone if I ever went out in public! I was actually laying there wondering if my counselor could do a phone session so I wouldn't have to go outside today, and I was trying not to cry and all of a sudden I remembered IT WAS A DREAM! So I went from scared/crying to wanting to laugh with relief and that felt so strange. I know our house is a dump right now and I do feel like just setting it on fire because it's never going to stay clean. I mean, I just cleaned Saturday and already the living room's trashed.

Probably not making much sense but I'm really tired, but I just wanted a record of the dream I had.

Okay, snow, you can go away

Remember the picture of my car I posted a couple days ago? This morning it looked like that again when I went out to go to church. I spent 20 minutes scraping my windows with a credit card (with no gloves on) and the windshield still wasn't clear enough to see out of, so I missed church completely. An hour later I looked outside and the sun was shining, and not only did I not have ice on my car anymore, but the windows were dry. So I just went to Galatians class. I'm scheduled for jury duty tomorrow (8:00 a.m.), but my husband told me he'd scrape my windows for me if my number gets picked.

I got invited to someone's birthday party today and I can't remember if they said the 15th of December or the 15th of January. If it's the 15th of January, that's Claudia's day so I won't go. If it's December, I could probably go. This woman is going to be 25. I'm not sure what to get her.

In case you're wondering about Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music ... the selection for yesterday ended up being "Brazillian Sleigh Bells" by Ferrante and Teicher and today's is "Tennessee Christmas" by Lee Greenwood. I didn't like Steve's comment about Lee Greenwood's song "God Bless the U.S.A." prompting fake patriotism, but his Macarena comment the other day was pretty funny, so I guess you win some and you lose some.

The kids got their picture taken with Santa at the mall. My sister made fun of me on Facebook and asked if my oldest was going too, and I said no, but then they just got home and he's in the picture. I feel embarrassed for him. I know my husband put him up to it. He plays it up like it's for their grandparents. My parents never let us get pics taken with Santa (or even let us believe in him). So my son's 18 and surely could have said he didn't want to do it this year, so maybe he did go willingly. It's not like he's sitting on Santa's lap. I don't think I can post it on Facebook because my sister will make fun of me. All I know is, if my husband doesn't "make" the younger two take Santa pictures every year till they're 18, I'm going to be furious.

I sent that picture of my son and his girlfriend from the newspaper to a bunch of people on email and only a few responded. But I really noticed my parents didn't. They're prudes, yes, they're old, yes, but it kind of hurts that they couldn't of at least said good luck or something. Or maybe they don't want to "condone" PDA or something. But my sunday school teacher also slightly criticized me about "quite a liplock" and how I should keep an eye out. You know what, if his girlfriend ever happened to end up having a baby or whatever, I would hopefully handle it with GRACE and FORGIVENESS unlike what I got 25 freaking years ago!!!!! Same thing with my teacher, just because his children all got married before they had kids doesn't mean he has to look down his nose at everyone else.

Six Word Saturday

Cleaning my house all by myself!



The 25 Songs of Christmas song isn't up yet, so I'll put up a link for a Christmas video. Try getting that song out of your head now. Mwaahaaa!


Here are a couple more pics of the snow (and ice) we had yesterday in southern N.M.:

My oldest son plays football for Mayfield and they are at the state championship this weekend. For the send-off Thursday, a reporter took this picture of him:

Let it snow!

School was delayed a couple days ago for two hours because apparently it looked like it was going to snow (never did). Last night it DID snow, there are probably two inches of snow on the ground, and ice on the street, so today school is delayed for three hours. I've been here 12 years and up till now it's only snowed two different days and it didn't last more than a day. My husband took pics this morning before he went to work so I might post one later. [EDIT: Here's one]



Okay, brace yourselves, Steve's choice for 25 Days of Christmas Songs today is a doozy. Remember that song Macarena? As Steve puts it:

So what do you do if you have a hit franchise? Why, you milk it for whatever you can and ride out the success. And that's how we ended up with today's song... the Macarena (Christmas Mix). Who knew that we needed a holiday version of this song?

It's not that bad, I guess. My kids like it.

Ozzy and Alaska and Frank E.

I was scheduled to go to the dentist just for a cleaning today but my number was listed for jury duty today. Get that? A choice between going to the dentist and jury duty. Some choice! So I called the dentist a couple days ago to reschedule my appointment and then this morning I find out they don't need anyone from the jury pool after all, so now I have to wait till February for my cleaning.

Today's Ozzy Osbourne's 61st birthday. I used to be really big into him in college but now the only thing I retained about him is his birthday, weird.

Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music song for today is It's Christmas Every Day in Alaska.

I used to have one of these but it had a motion sensor on it and drove my husband BATTY so one day it disappeared:

The best part of this season

... MUSIC!

Some people at our church put on a concert called Christmas Jams at an old theater downtown. Last year I missed it, but this year I got to go (last night). It was spectacular!! They did a lot of songs from Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Mannheim Steamroller (loud guitars and drums, the whole bit). At the end of the Thanksgiving dinner at church last week, they showed a little clip of a previous Christmas Jams, and we thought it sounded so good on the tape but my husband joked that they were just pretending to play. So he picked me up after the concert and I told him, "No. They were THAT good."

Here's a short (2:48) clip of one of the cool songs they did (this is actually TSO's version). And, of course, (longer clip) the one and only true Christmas Jam! Man. Anyway, I was so stoked. They also played Mannheim's Little Drummer Boy which I hadn't heard before till last night and I liked it.

Yesterday on Keep Believing Ministries' blog I heard about this guy Steve Tanner who releases a Christmas song on mp3 free for download, one per day till Christmas. Dec. 1 was "It's a Small World Holiday" (music from Disney's Christmas parade) and today's is "Hawaiian Santa." Wow, 25 songs will make a really nice CD. Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music