Sustaining

It hasn't been the best week. My counselor was so worried about me he wrote me (on a Saturday). I went and saw him today (a day early because he'll be out of town for Thanksgiving) and I'm just so down! But he scheduled some twice-weekly appointments for me so I feel a little better, and he said he wants me to need him, so I'm trying not to feel like a burden. He said we will do the twice a week sessions through January.

I taught our new puppy how to SIT. Savannah did it three times today and I didn't even have to push down on her butt.

My son's girlfriend Somara and a fellow volunteer (Mike) from Bible Studies by Mail are joining us for Thanksgiving this year, and I'm looking forward to it. We're all going to Cracker Barrel (so nobody has to cook, except the people at Cracker Barrel, LOL).

Felt like a celebrity

I've been going to church for 22 months and nobody ever sits by me (except when my in-laws came down last Easter, and the Easter before that when it was packed some teenager had to sit by me, and I could tell he was thrilled). So most of the time I have to picture Jesus sitting with me (I know it sounds childish but it works). Then Friday an idea popped into my head - I could just plop down next to the pastor's wife who sits in the front row. I know that sounds pushy of me. But I figured I couldn't lose because it's not like she can get up and leave. And even if people can tell what a bad disgusting person I am, a pastor's wife should probably like anybody, so she'd probably tolerate me sitting by her. So I was all gung-ho about it this morning but I found out she's in Iowa right now. But I did tell the pastor my evil plot and he said next week I could surely sit by her when she's back.

Anyway, when church was over, I went out in the hallway and my Sunday school teacher was going to go with me to get coffee, and this lady from the handbell choir comes up to me, hugs me, even kisses me and is saying how glad she is to see me - I mean, totally acting like I was the coolest person. I was so shocked. I thought people from bells hated me because I quit. Wow, it felt great. It was like a total 180 -- one minute I'm having to pretend Jesus is sitting next to me because everyone else thinks I'm disgusting and the next minute I'm Britney Spears to this lady. Wow. It made my DAY!

Not forgetting

I went to my session today and it was pretty good. It felt like he listened to me. I told him my necklace is lost. It's maddening. I had it on the desk and it's just gone. I asked everyone if they had seen it and they said no and didn't act at all concerned. I guess they didn't know how much it means to me. I couldn't even cry in the office today because I felt like he'd think I was such a baby for missing this necklace, but now what am I doing????? Crying my eyes out.

Also we briefly talked about our game plan/focus ... I said parenting, anger and grief, although we didn't get into any of them very deep today. I told him before how it was probably going to get worse and worse the closer it gets to January and he said I could have extra sessions, but I guess he must mean when it gets closer. I feel like a bad mom for not finding the necklace. I feel like a bad mom because we didn't talk very much about her (during this bad time of year).

I added another song for Claudia to my playlist on Youtube. It's old but I'd forgotten how pretty it was. "I Just Can't Stop Loving You" by Michael Jackson

Just what I needed

I haven't been posting much. Now that we're done with Lynnette's book, I'm back to my boring self.

I was working on an assignment for counseling a few days ago and I wrote (about grief) "Mostly I miss how strongly Cheyanne [our black lab] and my grandma loved me and how much I imagine Claudia would." And ever since then, it's really bothering me. I feel like I'm in a big black hole and kind of worried if anyone's going to love me like that again. I noticed last night I was having a lot of trouble concentrating on work, and then I'm still having trouble sleeping, so this morning I was going to jot an email to my counselor. But first I went on YouTube to play my usual playlist, and on my home page where it had videos recommended for me based on my viewing history, there was this song and I know it was God's idea for me to listen to it (well, my kids look at Club Penguin videos a lot so the recommended videos were like 5 Club Penguin videos and this one song, LOLOL).

When the Rain Comes - Third Day

It really helps. Like telling me he will be there all these days that are going to hurt till January, and also I think he wanted to remind me Jesus loves me stronger than anyone else ever will. I like how God surprises with me songs, it was just what I needed. So instead of writing something depressing, I sent my counselor the link to the video too and explained what it meant to me just like I did here.