Dr. Phil family triggering me

Five years ago I had watched that Dr. Phil family (Alex, Catherine, their parents) when Alex was pregnant, and now they're back and older. Catherine has legal trouble because she's hanging around a stupid crowd and doing drugs. Alex now has two kids and she's living with some guy (she's still married but her husband's in jail). Yesterday's show triggered me so badly because Alex was telling Dr. Phil that her mom (her own mother!!) is going to testify against her at a custody hearing. Alex is hurt (and rightly so) because her mother has stood by Catherine in all her court stuff. And now her mother's siding with Alex's ex!

I feel like my parents are sooo glad Claudia's out of the way. It seems like they think my present three children don't exist either if they don't acknowledge them. They came up to Wisconsin Dells while we were there in July but my mom said they got a hotel in Baraboo near their friends! Like WE weren't the only reason they came up! It really burns me. When I got my first divorce, my parents made a point of keeping in contact with my ex's parents (they still exchange cards at Christmas and my oldest is 18 now, ridiculous). It feels like a betrayal. Hello, this person hates me and barely supported his baby, WHY would you want to keep in contact with him and his parents? GOSH!!

And then I'm in trouble with my whole family because I didn't go back for my father's 70th birthday and the last homecoming for the high school we went to (that's consolidating with another school). Okay, so why does everyone in my family get to treat me like I'm the bottom person on a totem pole all the time, yet when I don't put them as the top person for this, I'm the bad one? I don't get that.

Yesterday (my bad day) I had emailed my counselor. As of right now, he never wrote me back or called me. And this was a big important thing! I'm angry. I try to make excuses for him (maybe he was sick or the internet was down or whatever) and that just makes me more angry. I send him stupid little things like twice a month (like a video from Youtube or a Bible verse someone gives me that goes along with what we talked about in a session) and he always writes back or calls me within a couple hours, but when I really needed him I got nothing! And I just feel like if I write or call him again, he will think I'm a burden. I see him tomorrow so I guess if I get enough guts I'll bring it up, but I probably won't because I don't want him to be mad at me. He's the only one in person who I can talk to about Claudia, so I don't want to mess that up. So weird, I'm mad at him but I don't want him to be mad at me, LOL.

The next 80 days

Today's the day I've been dreading, my own personal Pearl Harbor, I guess. (Except everyone knows and cares about Pearl Harbor.) I emailed my counselor at 1:30 this morning after I finished working because I was very upset. This morning I've decided for the next 80 days (since that's how long I was pregnant for, starting today) I would do something every day to improve myself. I don't want this milestone 25th "anniversary" to destroy me.

I know if I had lived my life even one second differently, I wouldn't have met my husband, blah blah blah (that's what he keeps telling me).

BUT! I wish desperately with all my heart that I could go back to 1984 and have someone like my counselor show me God loves me so I wouldn't have had to believe that having some guy (any guy) love you is the holy grail/most fulfilling thing on this earth. It hurts so much that I ruined my life like that. Now that I know God loves me, I can see that the guy I went out with 25 years ago was one of the guys Frenchy described in "Grease" as AMOEBAS ON FLEAS ON RATS! I mean, I want to hate myself! I bet he doesn't even remember me!!!!

Six Word Saturday

This is my first time doing this! Other people's SWS posts are really cute. Okay, okay, lemme think ....

"Time alone! Family visiting corn maze."

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 15/16)

Wow, I don't know about anyone else but I cried so much reading these two chapters about Anna's death and funeral. It touched me so deeply when her parents sang to her as she was dying. I thought it was the coolest freaking thing that Lynnette told Anna that Jesus was there and would help her. I mean, it's sad that Anna was dying but it made me feel almost good, gave hope even.

When my ex-friend J's father was dying in a hospital, his church arranged for their harp player to go to his hospital room and played for a while. A couple days later he passed away, but J loved the fact that one of the last things he got to hear on earth was this beautiful music. I know I'm going on a tangent here, but that reminds me of a really old movie called Soylent Green. When old people were ready to die, they went to this office and got to watch films of beautiful scenery while listening to lovely music as they died. At any rate, I said all that to say again that having people sing about Jesus to me if I were dying sounds like an amazingly peaceful way to die.

Another crab

It's getting to that time of year - October. My in-laws have been harping about everyone joining them in two years for their 50th anniversary (they want to go on *another* Alaska cruise, puke!). Wonder who thought of the idea of "milestones" like that? Well, here's another one - 25 years ago on the 26th the way I looked at the world turned really dark because of one P.O.S. who took advantage of a desperate lonely person (and to this day I hate my "friend" who set me up with him). I've been having so much anxiety lately, my whole body just feels on edge. I feel like I can't breathe (even though, obviously, I am breathing). I've had two bad dreams in the past week, triggered by this, dreams that are memories of the past so it's not like I can console myself by saying "It's just a dream." A friend of mine wrote on her blog about how crowds affected her and how she was just this raving crab, and I can really relate. Luckily I think I can work through this because my counselor really "gets" me now, but Wednesday seems so far off for my appointment and I can't just be a hermit till then. God, please help me hold my tongue; I'm so on edge.

Well, Caroline posted this on her blog and it looked fun so these are my answers:

20 Weird Questions That Will Give a Little Insight Into Who You Are
(Pick whichever ones you want to use , use all of them - or make up your own)

1. What is your favorite thing to snack on while you're blogging? Coffee
2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without? My glasses so I can see
3. Beach, Mountains or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice? Farm. I would live in Lawrence, Kansas, if I had a choice.
4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty? Picking up toys (or anything else) off the floor.
5. Who do people say you remind them of? In high school people said I looked like Bailey Quarters from "WKRP in Cincinnati."
6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying at home with the fam? Staying home with family.
7. What's your all time favorite movie? Tie between The Wedding Singer and Back to the Future
8. Do you sleep in your make up or remove it like a good girl every night? I don't wear makeup.
9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it? I'd like to learn a foreign language fluently.
10. What's one strange thing you're really good at? I recognize songs from the 70's and 80's right off the bat and know lyrics and other trivia about the songs. Chris loves watching me play the Name that Tune game on his iPod. I blow him away.
11. What first attracted you to your spouse? We both were E.L.O. fans. When I found out he used to be a DJ, I was hooked. Love his voice!
12. What is something you love to smell? Bacon or coffee
13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people. I get lost easily, not just out driving but even in a restaurant I'll forget where our table is when I go to the restroom or I'll forget how to get back to the doors in Walmart (and I always forget where I park my car - my husband never lets me hear the end of it).
14. When you have extra money (HA!) what's the first thing you think to do with it? Have McDonald's for dinner!
15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? Loud laugher What makes you laugh the hardest? We watch MASH every night on DVD, and I've seen the episodes so many times that I anticipate the funny punchlines, and it makes me laugh HARD when the lines finally come up, and then my husband laughs because I'm laughing, and it makes me laugh that he laughs.
16. Where is your favorite place to shop? Walgreens
17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time? Keep in touch with people I care about.
18. Are you a big spender or frugal? Frugal.
19. Who is your favorite character of all time (from a movie or book)? (Can't be real) Dr. Emmett Brown (Back to the Future)
20. Would you want to be famous? No.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 14)

This chapter described how Anna got saved. I could kind of relate to her worrying that God wouldn't forgive her for being mad at Him/hating Him. I liked how Lynnette explained to Anna how Anna would be heartbroken if her mom asked her for forgiveness but wouldn't accept it.

What were your own experience of being saved/baptized like?

Being saved was so long ago, back in 1976. There was a Lutheran church on the corner by our house and my sister and I used to go there every summer for Vacation Bible School (more for the snacks and crafts than anything, LOL). But when I was 9 I did get saved there, I even remember the song "Into my heart, into my heart, come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in today, come in to stay, come into my heart, Lord Jesus."

As for baptism, I haven't been baptized. I almost drowned when I was 12 so I'm pretty terrified of water. Ironically, the past 21 months I've been faithfully attending a Baptist church. Even though I've met a lot of nice people there, I can't become a member yet because of this baptism thing, ugh. I joked with the pastor that maybe I should become a Methodist (where you have a choice of sprinkle, pour or immerse). I also joke about wearing scuba gear. I don't have very good lung capacity, and I know it's irrational because it's only a couple seconds underwater but I just know I'll drown.

Have you had times when you jumped between the worst and best of things?

Not so much with myself or my family but I remember about 15 years ago when I worked for an insurance company in Orlando, I was really close to one of the other women in my department (she trained me when I first started there). She got breast cancer. She'd have surgery and come back after a while and we'd think she was better, but then they'd find more cancer and she'd have to go through more chemo. Remember, I loved her! So I hadn't heard for a long time (months) how she was doing the last time she went out sick. One morning I arrived at work and got an email with her name as the subject line (so I assumed it was advising the date she was coming back to work). Instead it said that she passed away. To be back and forth like that with her so much and then to find out she was gone was really hard to take and I got hysterical. Nobody understood what was so wrong about finding out about her dying through a stupid email.

Maybe I'm just whacked out of my freaking mind

My husband tells me that all the time.

Yesterday I had jury duty orientation. It wasn't too bad but there was a lot of standing in line, and you'd walk three steps and then stand some more. My back really hurt and I was wishing I had brought my walking stick (cane, it's purple).

Then I picked up some fruit from the store and went to Chick Lit at church (like a women's book club luncheon thing). A lady gave a talk about her heart transplant this time so it wasn't on a book. I had told my ex-friend J that I wouldn't mind seeing her at this thing, so the luncheon started and she wasn't there, and I thought I got stood up, like she didn't want to try to mend anything with me (really upsetting). But no, she was late because she thought I was less important than going by the counselor's office to drop off some papers for him and chatting with him for a bit FIRST. Wow, so you haven't seen someone for four months (who you're in deep crap with ALREADY) and you'd rather talk to someone you just saw last week at a session? And (wait for it!!) she isn't sorry. Nope, I was very angry and I even told her I was angry and I was trying not to yell at her, but I told her my true feelings, that I didn't feel very important to her. And she just brushed me off and told me there was nothing she could do about how I feel. I was also annoyed that she told me in a bragging way that the counselor asked HER to help him. So I figure maybe if there weren't other people around to compete with me (because they would get her attention over me), maybe we would get along better. But that's a catch-22 because when it's just me and J, she acts superior about everything I share (and she barely shares anything) and she constantly told me she doesn't sin so she doesn't understand my pain. What a mess, but I drove home yesterday thinking there's something wrong with ME. Why can't I just brush it off when people think I'm less important?

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 13)

About Anna's heart catheterization, I've actually had one myself as a kid too. I was asleep through the whole thing so to me I don't remember it being that big of deal. I did hate having to go in the O/R by myself though. I wonder why they can't have parents dress in scrubs and just be with their child in the O/R till they're asleep. People get to go in the O/R for baby deliveries.

What special memory do you have of a loved one who is no longer here?

My grandpa on my dad's side was pretty cool. I didn't grow up in a religious family, so every Easter all of his kids' families (my dad, his brother, his sister, and about 20 of our cousins) would get together to play bingo. Grandpa was the "caller." And then when you got a Bingo, you were given a prize of Easter candy. We would play for hours and we'd go home with a big stash of candy. He organized the whole thing himself and bought all the candy himself. It was really fun.