Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 4)

I just want to comment that this chapter was pretty depressing. I know the book is about losses, but I guess it’s like watching Titanic: you already know how it ends but you’re still surprised when the guy yells, “Iceberg!” You know? Anyway, reading about Josiah being whisked away and the attempts to save his little body just really hurt my heart. It really bothers me observing others in pain.

If you have experienced labor, what was yours like?

Never experienced labor – I had 3 c-sections. Both of my sons were born under general anesthesia but I did get to be awake for my daughter’s.

Do you know of anyone whose lives have been impacted by CDH (or has your own)?

No, I don’t know anyone and I haven’t myself either.

How do these words spoken by Kyle make you feel?

Conflicted. I still feel guilty over mistakes I’ve made in my past, and I suffer from anxiety about making mistakes in the future. I don’t understand why God would “bring” and “plan” all the problems I’ve had in the past (because those were choices I made) or why I would deserve God wanting to “protect” me during them (because, again, those were choices I made). A few weeks ago I read a short column on Christianity.com called "God's Sovereignty and Your Mistakes" which was so helpful to me. It does make sense. If God can “allow” people to do crummy things to me, why would he not “allow” me to do crummy things to someone else (or even to myself)? What if he knew in advance all the bad mistakes I make and actually WANTED me to make them?

During difficult times, where do you find your comfort?

Before August 2007 I would say alcohol, one-night stands, smoking, listening to loud angry music, and playing multi-player online games. When I started counseling that month, I learned healthier and more stable ways to find comfort: praying, reaching out for help from safe others, meditating on verses or with music or with pictures of Jesus or nature.

What would you say (if God asked for permission)?

Wow, nowadays I think my faith is a lot stronger and I would say bring it on, knowing that God would be with me always! But even a year ago I think I would be angry and protesting, even panicking, if I knew in advance what God was wanting permission for things to happen. Looking back on my life, it just seems so complicated and conflicting knowing what to feel about it. I didn’t get asked about suffering those things. I feel guilty about it because I think I would have handled things a lot better if I had KNOWN God was really with me. Back then, I wouldn’t have given permission and, in fact, I would be exactly like the rest of the world, saying, “How could a loving God allow this?”

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 3)

Have you ever been at a loss for words when trying to comfort another? If you've endured a loss, in what ways have people shown you they cared? How have you shown others you care?

Oh yes, has it ever been hard for me to comfort someone. Even though I feel just awful for them, I sense their pain myself and cry myself, and I find it hard to know what to say. With the losses I’ve endured, I felt the most cared about when people listened to me and when they showed that they believed I was hurting. I try to show others that I care by just being there for them. When my friend hurt her back, I loved doing errands for her. When another friend of mine was hospitalized from complications of lupus, I went to visit her, brought her flowers, etc. I think just being available for people helps a lot.

What fears do you have that you feel you should give to God?

Well, I think most everyone knows I’m scared of not being needed, scared of being forgotten, scared of dying. This is so stupid but I’m hanging onto it because I think even God wouldn’t need me and even God would forget me. It’s just hard. I’m also afraid that my kids are going to grow up badly and that I will be blamed.

He surpasses my expectations

My husband likes to mimic Pat Robertson, Joel Osteen, etc., pretending to say that "Jesus will save you if you send us money." The place I volunteer at is having a banquet on 9/25. They gave me an invitation for my family. Well, the banquet is free but you can sponsor a table (so more people could come) for $44 or half a table for $22, but I was really afraid my husband would lump this in with Osteen, so I hid the invitation for a couple days and was praying he wouldn't be offended whenever I did get the courage to show it to him. My in-laws asked if I wanted to go with them to Hawaii, but I told them no because they'll be gone till 9/26 and I didn't want to miss the banquet. (I'm serious, it felt SO RIGHT in my heart when I said I'd rather go to the banquet .. than HAWAII!!!!) So Chris asked about the banquet and I showed him the brochure, expecting the worst. (Like, he might even tell me to stop volunteering for them.) Guess what he said? He said of course we can go to the banquet, and he said sponsoring one table is only half of what we'd pay if we actually went someplace nice for dinner as a family, so he told me "Let's sponsor two tables."

ZOIKS!

Wow, wow! I can hardly believe this! I don't know how to thank God for so much more than what I asked for. God keeps doing this! I prayed that I just didn't want my husband to throw a fit and instead he was genuinely happy to write a check. Wow, God, I'm amazed by you.

1 Cor. 1:31 As the Scriptures say, "The person who wishes to boast should boast only of what the Lord has done." (NLT)

On a kind of sad note, my "friend" (the one who keeps hurting me) emailed and told them that she didn't want to volunteer there anymore. I know she likes being the boss and leading things, so it probably was hard for her just being a servant there, stamping 100's of envelopes, etc. But I love it there.

Thief

I went to church this morning and the pastor is on vacation so the worship leader was the one giving the sermon. The first verse he read was John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (NIV). Wow, after what I went through yesterday, I needed to hear that. One of the comments I got yesterday mentioned that Jesus was all I needed. It's true! I know this! Then, what happened yesterday? What also spoke to me in that verse was the part about having life to the full. No matter how long you live or how long you're expected to live or even if people don't want you to live. I'm sorry, God, and I'm sorry to everyone who read my last blogpost. The enemy tried to steal my sunshine. (If that song doesn't put you in a good mood, watch how joyous this wedding is.)

What's the point

I'm having a really stupid hard time.

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. yesterday with an earache. I put a hot pack on it and took some Advil. Within two hours I was fine. My husband (who knows everything, you know) told me when he got up that I should go to the doctor. By then I was fine though so I said no. [Warning: The rest of this is morbid. I think my mind is in overdrive because my counselor is out next week and I don't have anyone to talk to.] So to try to force me to go, my husband decides to scare me by asking me before he left for work, "What do you want done with your body if you 'kick it'?" At first I was mad because it didn't sound like he was concerned, just controlling, so I played along to call his bluff and told him I wanted my body donated to science, and he (trying to call my bluff) told me to get him more information about it. So I looked up the University of New Mexico's policy on cadaver donation, etc., and basically they just want the skeleton. Well, my skeleton would be cool for them because my spine, left arm and right leg have deformities that never got surgically corrected. So I told my husband he'd just have to ship me there. Although I agree with my husband that the last time I "didn't want to go to the doctor," I waited too long and ended up having emergency major surgery. But this was just an earache.

So here's the thing, now I keep thinking about dying. I wonder who would really miss me if I didn't exist. I know most of my family has been waiting for years for me to not exist, doctors too! I would even go so far as to say those people would be happy when I stop existing. My family (and doctors) were happy when Claudia didn't exist anymore.

I'm going through my Friends list on Facebook. I have 64 "friends":

• 28 of them I have never met in my life (met through previous email groups, SuperPoke Pets or Mafia Wars)
  
• 9 are people in my husband's family (who I rarely see or talk to)
• 2 are my family (my daughter and my sister)
• 20 are people I knew back in Illinois (who I haven't seen or talked to since at least 1989)
• 5 are people from church
  

I think the only people who would even notice I quit existing would be the two in my family, the five friends in town and my husband's parents.

I guess I'm upset because I always thought my husband was on my side and thought they (the people waiting for me to die) were full of crap, but then he wanted me to tell him what I wanted done with my body, as if he too expected me to die.

I think having "Friends" on Facebook gives people a false sense of security or popularity. Who'd really miss me if I were gone? Who'd give me a ride if my car wouldn't start? Who'd bring soup over if I were sick?

Pop!

I doubt there are too many people waiting with baited breath to hear the outcome of my ear situation, but I haven't mentioned yet that, YES, my right ear did finally pop Saturday! God gets the glory because I didn't have to go to the doctor after all. I was eating lunch and poured myself a glass of Coke, and I decided I didn't want to share the rest of the bottle with my kids (I know, I'm evil) so I was drinking it real fast so I could pour the remainder in my glass. All of a sudden, my right ear hears this big POW (well, it was more like a CLICK) and I could hear out of it again.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 2)

My comment about this chapter ... I need to start reading it when there's nobody home because I keep crying and everyone looks at me all weird. Again, the way she describes things makes me feel like I'm right there.

Do you have a funny experience to share? What are some of the silly or stupid things you did? My daughter didn’t like having her hair brushed when she was a toddler, so everyday before daycare I put her Rastafarian hair in a bun, thinking nobody could tell it was a rat’s nest.

Has there been a time in your life that you felt the world was falling apart? Yes, when my favorite grandmother passed away when I was 13, when my favorite brother moved to college when I was 14, and when my dog died when I was in the hospital in 2006. Those losses are still hard for me to talk about.

Has God ever worked a miracle in your life or in the life of someone you know? Yes, basically my whole life is a miracle because the doctors expected me to die before I was a year old. Instead of professing a miracle that I survived, my parents treated me like a burden when I was growing up. (And now I’m 42 so it feels really odd to me, like everyone's still waiting for me to die!) But just this past Sunday I listened to a man’s testimony at church where he was telling about suffering a stroke a few years ago because of a congenital heart defect and how he could suffer another more devastating (even fatal) one in the future. He summed it up by saying, “I’m alive, praising and serving God solely by His pleasure.” Me too!!! Instead of apologizing to the world that I’m still alive, I feel so special knowing God has a reason for keeping me here.

How has difficult times affected your marriage? My husband is a control freak, so as long as he thinks he can fix it, I just let him. It makes me feel like a failure to take a back seat but he won’t let me share the burden.

What fears have you struggled with? Fear of my children’s lives being ruined because I’m not a good mom. Fear that nobody likes me.

Do you feel that God has a plan for your life? Yes, even though I don’t know what it is. I feel like a failure most of the time. I guess even Hitler had a mom.

What has been the hardest moment of your life so far? Not being able to prevent my kids being hurt or rejected. It reminds me of my childhood all over again.