Six Word Saturday (7/20/13)

Donuts, Risking Things, and Ending Friendship

Monday the 15th my daughter and I went to Starbucks for the first time ever.  Now I know what all the hype is about.  I had a mocha frappuccino and she had this complicated iced tea drink (I know two of the flavors were green tea and peach).  We went to Wal-Mart and I got her the "As Seen On TV" earwax vacuum.  She used it for about 15 seconds when we got home and said it wasn't helping (exasperating!).  Later that day she came over to me and said she was able to hear for about a minute and now it was clogged up again.  I was so relieved because I knew at that point that her ear would get better.

Dunkin' Donuts actually opened on the 16th.  My husband and kids went after dinner the next night and picked up some donuts.  It was kind of disappointing because instead of boston cream filled, the chocolate frosted donuts had lemon filling in them.  I think the store made a mistake and they didn't taste good.

Wednesday at therapy we talked about taking risks with people (to see if they want to be friends, etc., and specifically my current situation of trying to repair a relationship).  I realized that I could risk someone rejecting me because I do have a "safety net" of sorts:  my therapist would still be there caring about me.  I've known him for a few years now so I don't have any reason to doubt him.  What happened Friday really solidified my trust in him though.

For the past couple weeks my therapist had been supporting me in composing a response to my "friend" who I had problems with (I was excluded from her wedding, for starters).  He told me I should write her some of my background and then explain how it affects me in the present time, thinking that would help.  I told her her to give me some more time to finish a response, and I finally sent it yesterday.  She wrote back within two hours.  Since it was so fast, I thought she was just being a brat and writing to me requesting more time (like I did to her).  So the long email I got from her totally knocked me down.  She was blaming, she was preaching, and she didn't make much effort to understand where I was coming from.  I wasn't expecting it at all and it hurt excruciatingly.  I jumped up from my computer and my first inclination was to go break some dishes, like that would help the pain in my chest.  I remembered I had felt that same pain and wanting to break things on the 25th anniversary of my abortion in 2010, and I felt that way because my parents and sister were having an ordinary day and I was having a painful one and they don't ever acknowledge I'm upset.

The pain was excruciating and desperate, like I was sinking in quicksand, and I literally screamed "God!" (like how you'd scream to him for help one last time before your head goes under).  And I actually felt instantly pulled out, and I felt protected and rescued, and it felt amazing.  I said "Oh that's right, you're with me."  Isn't that weird how you don't even think about him being with you 24/7 until something bad happens and then it feels like a surprise to find out he's right there.  Anyway, it felt like I was on autopilot (or another pilot) because I was calm but knew I should hurry and send her email to my therapist before he left for the day.  Just knowing he would be aware that she wrote me back would make me feel more comfortable.  Although she did make a few good points and she did embarrass me a lot, the need for him to know about the hurtful things she said outweighed him possibly taking her side or thinking I was an idiot.  Then I texted him to say I sent it so he'd check email before shutting off his computer.  I felt a little pain because I also texted him that I wanted someone to care and I was scared he'd take her side, but then I felt peaceful again.  He texted me back immediately "I care" and that he'd get back to me soon.  The phenomenal thing about this happening is that I'm not fantasizing about retaliating in a violent way or obsessing/ruminating about her.  Last night I slept fine.  If anything, I'm proud (if that's the word) of God that he's helping me keep from thinking about her and how much it hurts.  I told my therapist when I forwarded her email that I don't want friends anymore, ever, and he wrote me back that it's perfectly understandable.  I feel listened to and cared about and I feel peaceful and not panicked that I can't make it till my next session.  I confidently feel like I'll be okay.  It's awesome.