Ending 2009 on a great note

First of all, I had just read five minutes ago that Shelley had her babies. She is such a cool person and it just overjoys me that God blessed her with these two little ones!!! THAT news in itself feels like it could make my whole year.

Oh but before that, earlier today, I got an email from my counselor and he told me he's so amazed at how courageous I am and he also said he feels honored when I share stuff with him, but the biggest surprise was he said I have a huge impact on his life. I couldn't stop smiling this morning after I read it. My last session was kind of hard so I think he wanted to give me some positive feedback (because I have a tendency to feel negative - no, REALLY!).

Also a couple days ago Franchesca from Abiding Hope Collages sent me Claudia's name collage. I told her I wanted it by the 15th but she got it done so fast!!! I told her I was going to put it here on the 15th (Claudia's 25th anniversary in heaven).

Well, I was going to do a Back To The Future marathon for New Year's Eve tonight, but I feel like a slug just sitting here watching it. I watched the whole first one though. Two interesting little tidbits -- when Doc Brown was going to get in the time machine (right when the Libyans showed up), he had told Marty he was going 25 years into the future (which would be 2010). Pretty neat, eh? Also, me and my husband met on November 5, 1996. The first time Marty goes to the past (when the Libyans were racing behind him), the time machine was set to November 5, 1955.

Okay, I know my husband would say it's just a random number (like, he's not excited when my car odometer rolled over to 208,000.0 the other day). But I think it's way cool.

Happy New Year!

Christmas

For the end of Steve's 25 Days of Christmas: Yesterday's song was The Night Before Christmas (In Texas, That Is) by Gene Autry. And today's is Jingle Bells and Tracks in the Snow - a Country Bear Jamboree song from Tokyo Disneyland (so yes, it's mostly in Japanese).

I guess Christmas went okay. The kids got up way early and we opened all the presents. My son's girlfriend came over after that and had breakfast with us. She got me a book, a bookmark, a CD from Surface With Pearls (it must be a local band because I can't find anything about them on the internet at all, but the music is really good) and an angel pin. My sister-in-law made me a pot holder (one of those round things that you put on the table so a hot pan doesn't burn it). She put my name then my ex's last name then my current last name on the outside. That kind of hurt me. My daughter got a FurReal Cuddle Chimp from "Santa" (wink) and I just love her! When she filled out the adoption certificate, she decided since it was Christmas she'd name her chimp Holly. Pretty funny.

Pretty speechless

First, to catch you up on all the mp3's from Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music:

12/19 - Mannheim Steamroller - Kling, Glockchen
12/20 - Lester Lanin and his Orchestra - Christmas Night in Harlem. The archives on this page contain the English version of Very Merry Christmas Parade (Disneyland) and a couple versions of "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow."
12/21 - Kevin Mahler - Pirate's Christmas. The archives on this page have a couple Christmas songs from Star Wars. Yes, Star Wars.
12/22 - The Andrews Sisters - Christmas Island
12/23 - Billy Ward & the Dominoes - Christmas in Heaven. The archives on this page has the song "Welcome Christmas" that all the Whos in Whoville sang in the Grinch Who Stole Christmas cartoon.

Speaking of that cartoon, I remember about 6 or 7 years ago when my youngest was not quite two, after our Christmas tree got decorated, Melanie dragged him over to the tree and they swayed back and forth singing "daboo story" (what they thought the Whos were singing).

Went to counseling today and I ended up blurting out that I wished someone could say I was a good mom (because people's silence about it makes me feel like the opposite is true). Although he never actually said those exact words, he did say that he always notices that I'm very empathetic to my kids, and he thought that was truly amazing considering how I was treated when I was little. So that made me feel pretty good.

THEN I was making dinner tonight and I got a call from a fairly new friend from church. I visited her in the hospital a couple times this year because she has lupus. Anyway, she said she wanted to bring something over for me, and it was a present! She gave me a pretty box of gift sample perfumes and some chocolates and a snowman family decoration. I was just speechless. I know I said thank you and Merry Christmas but I didn't gush or cry or anything. My husband said she probably wanted to "give back" since I visited her in the hospital and that I didn't need to feel bad that I didn't get her anything.

Lastly, on Facebook today I put up our family Christmas picture and a friend of mine from high school (who has the same kind of disability I do) commented that she liked it and she also said that my family is blessed to have me for a mom and for a wife. Wow! I love how God knew I really needed to hear that.

Six Word Saturday - 12/19/09

I got my Christmas cards sent.

I wrote out 19 cards, licked 19 envelopes, and stuck on about 35 stamps this morning, and now our Christmas cards are being driven to the post office by my husband for mailing. I love sending and receiving Christmas cards. Here's the picture we sent with the cards. (I know my hair looks stupid but at least I'm sitting down...).

Look back on this and laugh - not

I'm starting to think maybe staying inside my house permanently isn't such a bad idea.

Yesterday I had jury duty. On the way there I started panicking because I didn't want to get selected. I feel like I'm too stupid to be on a jury. I got in the parking lot of the courthouse and sat in my car hysterical. I'm unqualified and incompetent to do it. And I knew I didn't get picked the last couple times I went so I figured my luck was running out. I was praying (screaming) I wouldn't get picked, it was awful because I felt so immature wanting God to get me out of this when people have a lot bigger problems than that. So I sat in the courtroom for an hour with everyone else, and the attorneys kept coming in and then leaving, and finally they came back in and the judge announced that they settled the case and we could go home. Merry Christmas to me!!

The other thing ... my husband keeps getting on me about the house, like when I go to volunteer and he comes home and I hadn't gotten everything spiffy, he goes ballistic. So I can't even do anything else besides cleaning or I feel guilty and ashamed. And I took home a dozen lessons yesterday to grade for volunteering (since I feel guilty now for being there) and did half last night and was going to do half this morning after I took a shower. The kids went to school, I get out of the shower and discover that Savannah (the beagle puppy) had gotten on the kitchen table and chewed parts of four student's report cards, part of an answer page out of my grade book and ALL the cards and papers were strewn all over the floor! I just don't want to go in and have to tell them what happened. I know they will think it's funny, but it's not funny. I'm really upset about it. I know my husband will tell me I shouldn't have left the stuff in the kitchen. I want to offer to re-type and re-input grades for those four report cards too. I'm just so irritated and upset! My oldest son yelled at me (because he helped me gather up everything into a pile) that there was "nothing I could do about it now!" The thing is, this just adds to my mood from yesterday, because my daughter took my Black Hills Gold bracelet to school and it didn't come home with her, and she won't tell me what she did with it. She also took a necklace the day before that someone had made for me 10 years ago, and she won't tell me where it is. I feel like nothing of mine matters to anyone! Not even a stupid dog!! I'm so sick of this.

Ending on a positive note, we got our family Christmas pictures taken last night finally. I get to address all the cards but that will have to wait till I get home from dropping the lessons off.

A trying day

I didn't have a very good day. Today my counselor told me I could cut down on my stress by exercising outdoors and relaxing/meditating. I feel like if I take time out to do that, I won't get the other stuff done that I need to do. I can barely concentrate on my typing work; how am I supposed to meditate for 15 minutes? Christmas is getting closer and I just dread it. I know everyone will be disappointed that day and so will I. It hurts.

I give up. The way we're talking about Claudia in counseling is like grieving and it just really hurts and it feels pointless, and I asked my counselor today if we could try dealing with it another way because I just can't take it.

I'm sorry this is so depressing but I didn't want to just keep it inside. My counselor knows about it. The thing is, even if a fairy godmother came down and told me she'd help me, I wouldn't know what to ask for.

To catch up on 25 Days of Christmas Music:

December 14 - Merry, Merry Christmas by Koko Taylor. (As his post says, this song was featured in the movie While You Were Sleeping, and I agree it's a great Christmas movie!!

December 15 - Christmas in Tinseltown by Big Voodoo Daddy. (The 2002 archive has two classic Christmas songs "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" from Brenda Lee and "Jingle Bell Rock" from Bobby Helms that you hear in a lot of movies.)

December 16 - Colorado Christmas by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. In the archives for this day in 2002, they have Feliz Navidad (a video I posted a few days ago, LOLOL!) and Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby. As soon as I saw this, I smiled because it reminds me of the scene in Christmas Vacation where Chevy Chase is fantasizing about the swimming pool he's going to buy with his big bonus from work. The part where he gets startled when the beautiful woman's swimsuit hits the window cracks me up EVERY TIME and I've seen this movie 100s of times.

If your fly is open MAYBE

My inlaws were down here yesterday and they brought our Christmas card with them instead of mailing it. They have a Christmas letter and a couple pages of photographs from their travels and visits throughout the year. They used one of the pictures of us from our trip to Wisconsin over the summer. I have trouble walking, I have scoliosis in my back so I walk weird, very awkwardly. At any rate, one of the pictures shows us walking towards the camera. I look hideous. When I saw the picture, I sucked in my breath really loud. And my mother in law KNEW, she KNEW exactly why I was upset because she SAID, "What, you don't like the picture of you?" If they KNEW, if they KNEW it made me look horrible, WHY DID THEY USE IT? If they KNEW it would humiliate me????? Is this some kind of joke!!!! Holy crap, my father in law is a CEO of a computer company in Albuquerque, he's a millionaire, he knows tons of people they send those Christmas letters to. Even former President Bush. I just can't fathom how they can get away with sending a horrible picture of me that makes me look like a freak to people I don't even know!!!!!! And to act like it's no big deal!!! HOW would they like it if I took a picture of them when they looked like crap, like I put for the title of this thing, if their fly was open? And I sent THEIR picture to all kinds of people who didn't even know them. I'm really hurt. I know it's illogical but when I get stared at I just wish I was never even born at all. My husband, of course, is sticking up for his parents and saying I didn't look that bad. My FOOT!!!!

After we had breakfast today, they took another picture of us outside Village Inn (like they always do), but this time my husband had my youngest son stand in front of me so I look normal. Is it too much to ask to make sure everyone looks good (and normal)? Was it THAT HARD??? I realize having a freak in the picture makes everyone else look terrific though.

Today's song on Steve's 25 Days of Christmas Music is Italian Jingle Bells.