Today's the day I've been dreading, my own personal Pearl Harbor, I guess. (Except everyone knows and cares about Pearl Harbor.) I emailed my counselor at 1:30 this morning after I finished working because I was very upset. This morning I've decided for the next 80 days (since that's how long I was pregnant for, starting today) I would do something every day to improve myself. I don't want this milestone 25th "anniversary" to destroy me.
I know if I had lived my life even one second differently, I wouldn't have met my husband, blah blah blah (that's what he keeps telling me).
BUT! I wish desperately with all my heart that I could go back to 1984 and have someone like my counselor show me God loves me so I wouldn't have had to believe that having some guy (any guy) love you is the holy grail/most fulfilling thing on this earth. It hurts so much that I ruined my life like that. Now that I know God loves me, I can see that the guy I went out with 25 years ago was one of the guys Frenchy described in "Grease" as AMOEBAS ON FLEAS ON RATS! I mean, I want to hate myself! I bet he doesn't even remember me!!!!
Don't be so hard on yourself. I wish I could go back and change things I did to but I Can't. I just have to realize that God let them happen for a reason. Somedays I ask why even though I shouldn't. I know that today I'm a stronger person because of things that I have went through in my life. Also this past yr I'm a whole lot closer to God.
ReplyDeleteJust remember I care about you & so does GOD! Have a good day today and everyday. :)
Caroline
I like the analogy with Pearl Harbor b/c that's how it feels sometimes. I'm here remembering with you.
ReplyDelete