Call my name

I'm going to a friend's baby shower this weekend. The thing I feel most scared of is overhearing people telling her how good of mom she's going to make. I've never heard that with my three and I've been feeling pretty angry, and I'm so jealous that my friend's family is excited about the new baby and not angry or ashamed about him. My counselor told me to practice how to behave and practice reminding myself God is with me so I don't get all hysterical and angry at the shower. I don't want to get into it but suffice it to say I'm feeling pretty lousy about myself and it's one of those times where you wonder why God would even want to love me. I know he does even though I don't want to believe it right now.

God, thanks for caring about me even though I'm awful. Thank you, God, for songs like this.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 7)

Soap box time! I want to comment like Holly and say I don’t like the words “birth defect.” Actually, I don’t like the words “disabled,” “handicapped,” or even “special.” All of those words describe someone who should be excluded and I just hate it.

What do you think of these verses and how they relate to that line?

I don’t think God is the only one who can “give” us “more than we can handle.” We have an enemy whose goal is to keep us on the evil side. From the 2 Corinthians verse especially, to me it sounds like God is promising to be with us through the highs and lows, no matter who “gave” them to us. As for the first verse (regarding temptation), I think the enemy is so crafty tempting you that asking God for help is the last thing on your mind, especially in this day and age. But I digress. I think when we’re at the end of our rope and thinking we can’t handle even one more thing, when you get to that point and you just want to end it all, that’s when it’s scary to not be a Christian because there’s no hope. You might feel like a big chicken or a big baby for asking God for help, but just ask ... he really does help you.

Have you had any moments in your life where you felt really close to God?

I didn’t think Lynnette’s recollection of how she found Anna’s name to be that big of a stretch. I can believe it!! God does speak to you through the Bible, he does! It’s hard to explain it to a non-Christian who doesn’t think God can talk to people anymore, but I’ve had instances in my own life that are similar to Lynnette’s. In 2008 I vowed to memorize one Bible verse a month (I know, I know – I’m not the brightest star in the sky so it takes a while to get these permanently in my head!). I decided since I had been reading through the bible since October (with BlueLetterBible.org’s NLT reading plan), when I came across a verse that really stuck out on the 1^st of the month, I would write it down and that would be my memory verse for the month. All of the verses I memorized in 2008 were dead-on specific to what I was going through at the time; it was awesome.

I felt really close to God for the first time a couple months after I started counseling. My husband and oldest son don’t get along and they were fighting really bad at dinner. They were posing like they were going to hit each other, they were throwing things, and my youngest two ran into their bedrooms. I felt frozen because I didn’t want either my husband or son to get hurt and I was screaming at them to stop but they weren’t listening, and I ran down the hall to my bedroom crying to God that I was so scared, and as soon as I shut the bedroom door I felt like I was wrapped in a blanket snuggly safe even though I could still hear the fighting from the kitchen, and I know God was there with me.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 6)

I don't really know what to think about Kyle's business adventure. I wonder what he must have been thinking taking a risk like that when he had a wife and kids to support! I'd rather be married to someone who made minimum wage consistently than worrying about if money came in AT ALL. Wow.

A new pregnancy is mentioned in this chapter too, and there is something "wrong" with the baby. I hated the way the doctor behaved and I'm seething. I wonder why it is that some doctors can't give any hope to parents like Lynnette and Kyle (and my mom and dad too). Before this little girl is even born, the first doctor is rendering her useless. I liked the second doctor much better, how he explained the things he could do to help their baby.

Are there things in your life you imagined different? The last 25 years have been a real roller coaster for me. I look back on it all and wonder what I was supposed to have learned from it. As a kid I always dreamed of being married and having kids, and I do have that now, even though I took a detour (or ten) to get here.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 5)

I liked this chapter a lot. I could relate to Lynnette's growing resentment of her husband's time away from the family, even if it was for a great reason. My husband works a full time job and then teaches part time at night during the school year, and every Friday for the past 12 years he spends several hours after work with his best friend. I don't have any help from my husband but I've never expected him to because we had an agreement up front that he would work and pay the bills, and I'd do everything else. I do feel resentful when my husband's away ONLY when he criticizes the things I didn't do in my "job."

Anyway, I totally agree with her idea that more of the elders should get involved with teaching and other voluntary jobs around the church so that the younger men with families could stay home where they're needed. (Side rant: I play Sims 2 and as soon as your Sim people hit elder age, there really isn't much for them to do unless their kids marry and move them in as permanent babysitters. Honestly, when they're single and elderly I either make them meditate the remainder of their lives away or use a cheat code to make them die sooner.)

What are some things you would like to do more as a family?

It's hard because my husband grew up in a family where his parents were very self-centered (took trips and left the kids at home, would hole up in their bedroom watching TV while the kids took care of themselves, etc.), so my longing for stuff to do as a family feels like torture to him. Going out to eat or to the movies with the kids makes him miserable. So it's really hard for me to suggest anything. Frankly, at this point, getting through dinner without anyone yelling is probably #1 to strive for on my list. Hey, at least we do eat dinner together, right?

I quit following Challies blog

... and removed his quotes from my Facebook page and left the FB Challies group. Most of the time, his blog is fascinating because he is a voracious reader of Christian books and he is very smart. Till today. I think his blogging success has gone to his head. He wasn't very Christlike at all today. Basically, he wrote a very unkind post about "original sin" and that since babies can't make decisions for Christ, they don't go Heaven.

Yes, he touched a nerve because he wrote this entry based on some woman who said she was wrestling with having had two abortions. (He keeps saying he didn't write this entry to her so somehow it's okay to not be Christlike.) Some commenters have already mentioned this verse but I'm repeating it here:

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

And I don't think a child can get any more "little" than when he's one-minute-after-conception old, don't you?

1 John 2:2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

GotQuestions.org mentions this verse and adds (in a question about age of accountability):

This verse is clear that Jesus' death was sufficient for all sins, not just the sins of those who specifically have come to Him in faith. The fact that Christ's death was sufficient for all sin would allow the possibility of God’s applying that payment to those who were never capable of believing.

When the infant of Bathsheba and David died, David said, "I shall go to him, but he will not return to me." (the last part of 2 Sam. 12:23)

I know this probably won't fly with many people, but remember how John the Baptist (as a fetus) knew who Jesus was because John leapt in Elizabeth's womb when Mary (newly pregnant with Jesus) came into the room? John the Baptist (the fetus) never actually saw Jesus either that day, so couldn't the soul of a pre-born or otherwise young child know who Jesus is too?

I realize that one less person following his blog isn't going to faze Mr. Challies a bit, but I feel better. I miss Claudia. I just know she is not in hell, and I will see her again someday.

What's her problem

I just got done reading a negative post on another blog and here I go with mine. SORRY!

Remember my "friend" J who keeps hurting me? Apparently, she has been saying junk about me because our mutual friend "A" won't even write to me directly, and I don't have a problem with HER. Anyway, J forwarded me an email from A (who is moving tomorrow night and asked all of us to stop by if we wanted). J adds onto the end of the email that if I wanted to be at A's house at a different time than her, that I could go before or after she (J) does. What gives? It sounds like a divorce or something! It sounds like J is mad at ME (????). I didn't do anything to her. She is the one who keeps blabbing all the private stuff I shared in bible study (even though she doesn't think she did anything wrong and thus won't apologize). My husband told me to just not worry about it, go see A if I want to (or don't go if I don't want to), that J is desperately trying to get the power back, and if I ignore her email (he said) I'll still have it. This takes the cake, though, her slamming me for being mad and making people feel sorry for her (like she didn't do anything to hurt ME). I think I will just write A directly someday and tell her I will mail the CD's she let me borrow to her new place. Then J won't have anything to be smug about.

Caring for Carleigh Reading (Chapter 4)

I just want to comment that this chapter was pretty depressing. I know the book is about losses, but I guess it’s like watching Titanic: you already know how it ends but you’re still surprised when the guy yells, “Iceberg!” You know? Anyway, reading about Josiah being whisked away and the attempts to save his little body just really hurt my heart. It really bothers me observing others in pain.

If you have experienced labor, what was yours like?

Never experienced labor – I had 3 c-sections. Both of my sons were born under general anesthesia but I did get to be awake for my daughter’s.

Do you know of anyone whose lives have been impacted by CDH (or has your own)?

No, I don’t know anyone and I haven’t myself either.

How do these words spoken by Kyle make you feel?

Conflicted. I still feel guilty over mistakes I’ve made in my past, and I suffer from anxiety about making mistakes in the future. I don’t understand why God would “bring” and “plan” all the problems I’ve had in the past (because those were choices I made) or why I would deserve God wanting to “protect” me during them (because, again, those were choices I made). A few weeks ago I read a short column on Christianity.com called "God's Sovereignty and Your Mistakes" which was so helpful to me. It does make sense. If God can “allow” people to do crummy things to me, why would he not “allow” me to do crummy things to someone else (or even to myself)? What if he knew in advance all the bad mistakes I make and actually WANTED me to make them?

During difficult times, where do you find your comfort?

Before August 2007 I would say alcohol, one-night stands, smoking, listening to loud angry music, and playing multi-player online games. When I started counseling that month, I learned healthier and more stable ways to find comfort: praying, reaching out for help from safe others, meditating on verses or with music or with pictures of Jesus or nature.

What would you say (if God asked for permission)?

Wow, nowadays I think my faith is a lot stronger and I would say bring it on, knowing that God would be with me always! But even a year ago I think I would be angry and protesting, even panicking, if I knew in advance what God was wanting permission for things to happen. Looking back on my life, it just seems so complicated and conflicting knowing what to feel about it. I didn’t get asked about suffering those things. I feel guilty about it because I think I would have handled things a lot better if I had KNOWN God was really with me. Back then, I wouldn’t have given permission and, in fact, I would be exactly like the rest of the world, saying, “How could a loving God allow this?”