Less than a month to go

I feel really nervous and scared already about January 15.  It's kind of affecting the rest of my life right now and I wish I could just stay home all the time.  But on the good side of things ...

I went alone to the Baptist church's Christmas program Friday.  It didn't start till 7 so of course I had to drive in the dark, and I'm all praying "please help me, please help me," all the way there and so scared and nervous about getting in an accident or getting lost.  Once I got in the parking lot safely, I was going "Oh, thank you, thank you!" and I actually started laughing because then I prayed for help finding a parking space, LOL.

I've joined another bible study, started a couple months ago.  There are about 10 of us.  We're supposed to meet every other week, but we only met once in November and now once in December, and now we're not meeting till January 20 (all because of the holidays).  I wasn't very happy when they decided on this other long break.  It's really hard to share things in the study and then have them say bye and see you in five weeks, like it doesn't matter that they threw me off a cliff with my feelings.  Anyway, Tuesday the leader invited me and a couple of the other women to her house this coming Tuesday for "tea."  Wednesday when I was praying and getting prepared to do my usual Bible time, I was praying/crying because I felt like nobody from the group really cared that I'm pretty much a hermit and don't get to talk to people very often on a casual basis, and then the phone rang while I was reading and it was one of the ladies from the group just wanting to say hi!  How's that for quick answered prayers.  It was just what I needed.

Tonight (now last night) I went to Village Inn with my roommate from Rachel's Vineyard.  She gave me a present, a book called The Four Agreements.  One of the counselors from the retreat came for a little bit and had some coffee.  We're supposed to have another luncheon next month of all the past R.V. retreat attendees (who want to come).  Except it's gonna be on January 15th.  I know maybe it was planned by God to be on that specific day for a reason.  Yeah, the reason to stay home!  I don't know, I'm worried I won't feel well mentally like usual.  I thought about scheduling a session with my therapist the day before and maybe seeing if he wanted to watch me release a balloon, but I'm even nervous about that.

Thought from Monday

I want to note this so I don't forget.  I had counseling Monday and we were talking about an incident that upset me concerning a teacher's comment about one of my kids the previous week, because what had happened made me feel like a horrible mom.

Somehow we got to the point of talking about the kids' teacher conferences, how their teachers always say nice things about them, and my counselor was asking me if any of their comments penetrate and I said NO.  Most of the time I immediately (I mean, IMMEDIATELY) start a dialogue in my head and give credit to someone or something else and not me.  Like, my daughter's a helpful girl because she has a little brother, or my son's a friendly boy who gets along with everyone because he's the baby of the family ... not giving myself any credit that they were raised (by me) that way.  I don't know, I'm stuck.

I relayed to him what people said after I got my first divorce.  I was a single mom to a toddler and I worked full time and I felt I was doing a really good job of handling things, but even my co-workers would insist I go after my ex for child support, like hinting I couldn't make it on my own.  My parents have NEVER thought I could be a productive person.  They always got me medical "help," psychological "help," once they even thought about putting me on Social Security disability ... and I had no say in any of it.  I remember October 20, 1984.  Me and my parents toured a business school that THEY wanted me to go to.  I remember specifically saying I wanted to get married after high school and have a family, but my mom told me, no, I wanted to go to school so I could get a good job.  WHAT?

How come I can't make it?  How come I can't do what I want to do?  I guess this is why compliments don't penetrate.  Someone can say I'm a good mom, and I know my sister would say "She can't take care of herself let alone a baby."  Someone can say I'm doing a good job being a single mom, and my co-workers would say "Yeah, well, she could be better with more financial help."  Someone could say I'm a good mom, and my husband always makes ME feel like the one who's in trouble if the kids do something wrong.  I don't know how to get out of this.  Why do I let people make me feel bad about myself.

Okay, then my counselor was asking me how I felt if I could shush that immediate dialogue when someone compliments me.  I said I would feel like a good mom, and I would ENJOY being a mom.  Doing things for my kids, loving my kids, would give me joy.  I don't know how to stop the dialogue though.

He also asked me what would my kids think if I wasn't around to love them.  I said they would feel how I feel now, that life's not worth living because nobody loves them and they aren't important to anyone.

Six Word Saturday (11/27/10)

I wish I was a Sim

Whenever my husband's alarm goes off for work in the morning, I pretty much always forget what I'm dreaming because I wake up to the song that's playing.  On Sunday mornings I wake up on my own so I usually remember part of my dreams then.  One time a missionary to Morocco told my Sunday school class that Muslims get converted to Christianity sometimes because they have vivid dreams of Jesus talking to them.  Well, mine aren't so life-changing and I'm not really sure if God speaks to me in mine.  But anyway, last Sunday's dream is still on my mind because it was such a good dream.

For some reason my real life was seen as a game of Sims 2.  Everyone I saw had a diamond-shaped plumbob hovering over their head just like in the Sims (the plumbob changes colors depending on their mood and fulfilled needs - green is preferable, yellow means they're fading, red means deficient, but platinum means excellent).  Okay, in my dream, me and my husband didn't have our three current children, but we had quintuplet toddlers (FIVE TODDLERS!?!?).  Anyway, four of them looked like me and my husband and one of them was very dark skinned like an Ethiopian.  And in my dream my normally outspoken opinionated husband didn't have much to say about the dark kid because we both knew that it was his side of the family who had intermingled with slaves a long time ago.  (Weird!)

Alien Sim reading to a toddler

But in my dream these five little toddlers were just babbling happily with each other, green plumbobs over their heads, waiting for me to get them each out of their crib.  And they were all just wearing a diaper, and they went in a line by the changing table and just stood there patiently waiting their turn for me to get them dressed.  And I just remember feeling in my dream that I really ENJOYED being their mom and how satisfying it was to take care of them all.  Every time I started dressing one, I would tell him/her I loved them and they would say they loved me too.  And the last one I dressed was the black toddler, and I remember I said I loved him and he said "even me, mommy?" and I said "Especially you!" and he smiled so big and I felt SOOO happy!

Toddler taking nap in dog bed

And then I woke up.

I've been thinking about this dream all week, and if God was really telling me something in it, maybe he was saying that I should enjoy being a mom.  If my family and my husband's family (and the neighbors and my friends, etc.) want to grade me, it's like maybe God's telling me who cares what they think.

Broke up

My oldest son came over for dinner tonight.  He said he didn't want to tell me last Sunday but he and his girlfriend broke up.  She apparently is listening to her friends and they don't think she should "waste" her last year of high school tied down in a relationship.  Hmm, interesting, my son spent all four years of high school in a relationship with HER!

I'm not mad at her.

I love her.

I'm so pissed off at my husband right now too, because up until about a year ago, he never "allowed" her to come over!  My son would go over there (she lived with her uncle next door to us till her mother got out of rehab).  Every single day he went over there and she couldn't come over here.  And then the uncle transferred jobs and moved out of town (after her mother got an apartment and a job).  And then all of a sudden it was okay for my son's girlfriend to come over.  Apparently my husband just didn't like the uncle.  So I wish I could've loved her for the first three years too!!!  I hate my husband right now!!!!

My son has already went on two dates with some girl he "went out with" in junior high.

I'm hurting so bad.  My therapist had to move my appointment to tomorrow instead of Wednesday because of his Thanksgiving travel, so I guess at least it's comforting knowing I get to see him.

Six Word Saturday (11/20/10)

So much to do this weekend

First, I just want to vent - the remodeling still isn't finished on the "facade" of the strip mall where I volunteer at.  Their trucks are all over the parking lot and it's hard to find a space, plus they have scaffolding in front of both the front and side door.  Thursday when I left to go home I didn't duck down far enough out the door and hit the top of my head so hard on the scaffolding that I fell backwards flat on my back in the parking lot and hit my head on the pavement!  I really have half a mind not to go volunteer till the construction is done.  I guess I'm okay but it triggered me being afraid of other things, like getting in a car accident or getting sick and having to go to the hospital, etc.

On a good note, today I'm going to a luncheon with the people from Rachel's Vineyard.  I guess it's like a reunion.  I really can't wait to see everyone again!

Tomorrow at church is Consecration Sunday.  I'm not sure what it is exactly because I've only been going to this Methodist church since Halloween.  They're serving breakfast after each service.  I've been going to this church because my neighbors go there and it's closer to my house and the people there don't seem so judgmental.  Yet.

Six Word Saturday (11/13/10)

I Am Reading A Good Book

I guess one good thing about my therapist is he knows how much I love to read.  So every couple months he asks me if I've read such-and-such book.  The latest book he suggested is called TrueFaced.  I'm about one third of the way through.

There is just so much in this book already that makes me almost glad my life has been a big freaking mess!  God's grace is an amazing gift.

Six Word Saturday (11/6/10)

Jesus Would Say That Too -- NOT!

Yesterday the place where I volunteer had a pizza party and cake to celebrate all the volunteers with a birthday from July to December.  Everything was going just fine till the end.  The director started talking about one of the new volunteers ("C") who is only volunteering here to fulfill court probation.  I've seen her a couple times but have only said hello, because she's usually in the middle of a big pile of lessons to stamp.  Anyway, the director (the DIRECTOR!!!) starts telling everyone that "C" told him a few weeks ago that she was a lesbian.  He told us he kind of figured she was since she wore masculine clothes and had a weird hairstyle.  But holy moly, you'd have thought the director told everyone C was a serial killer with all the tongue clicking and shaking heads going on.  I should've made up some excuse to go home, because the rest of what he said just broke my heart.  He said he has a really hard time even saying hello to her -- get this, he has to PRAY that he has the strength to say hello to her.  And of course everyone's all commiserating with him that she "has to" volunteer here.  I was so sad hearing how unloving they sounded.

After everyone else started leaving, I went up to the director's wife and asked her if C got to choose where she volunteered (she did).  Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but if you knew a really outspoken lesbian, do you think she'd CHOOSE to volunteer with Christians or would she pick some other place that's secular?  Secular, right?  I told the director's wife that the Bible study leader who I initially volunteered there with, had a list of probably 100 places in town that we could've volunteered at.  I told the director's wife twice during my conversation that THERE MUST BE A REASON GOD HAS "C" VOLUNTEERING WITH US!  Out of 100 places, she picked us.

I can't stop thinking about that Woman from the Well exercise we did at the retreat.  Jesus KNEW she had five husbands, Jesus KNEW he "shouldn't" associate with her, but just the way Jesus was looking and speaking to her the woman KNEW Jesus loved her!!!!  THAT'S why she got all excited and ran back to town telling everyone that Jesus knew all about her!  Because she could tell he still LOVED HER!!!

I'm so anxious for Tuesday to get here so I can go volunteer and hopefully see "C" and say hi and think of some other things to say to her.  THAT is what Jesus would do.