Claudia

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."  John 13:7

Twenty-six years ago today I made the biggest mistake of my life.  I like this verse that Caroline had on her blog after her m/c.  Except 26 years later I still don't get it but because of this verse I can be hopeful that someday I will.  Matthew West's pretty song All The Broken Pieces also bugs me for the same reason.

For a long time I wished I could go back in a time machine and do that day over and make a different choice.  Just recently I have realized that even if I did go back to 1985 I would be the same stupid pushover girl I was when I was 17.  I mean, I still do stuff EVEN NOW that I don't WANT to do so that people don't get mad at me.  But this realization finally mutes the string of "if-onlys" that I constantly had in my head.

The only things I have planned for today is the monthly meeting with the Rachel's Vineyard people (yeah, January's meeting falls on Claudia's day) and then tonight my husband's taking us out to eat, and even though he doesn't really know that today is THE day (although he does know I had an abortion in my past), in my heart I can say this is a special dinner to remember Claudia with.  Editing to add:  This is awesome, the sweet person from the Wishing Tree website sent the photo of Claudia's name a few minutes ago.  I sent a request in after I saw Jordan and Carleigh's.  You can see Claudia's here.

I've completed a big project to commemorate Claudia's day!  I'm sure it won't mean much to anyone else but since I'm interested in music (specifically 80's music), I typed a huge list!  My husband had gotten an inter-library loan of the book Billboard's Hot 100 Charts - The Eighties (top 100 list for every week from 1/1/80 to 12/31/89).  And for the past 12 weeks (October 26 to today, Claudia's lifespan) I've typed each week's 100 songs.  I think it's kind of cool.  Remember that goofy song by Wham, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go?  At the beginning of her life, it was #6 on the charts and by the end it had dropped to #55.  I mention that song specifically because it's ironic they're dancing around in CHOOSE LIFE t-shirts.  (Another funny thing, in 1984 when the video came out, people were actually debating whether George Michael was gay or not.)

I love you, Claudia!

New year

At the end of my appointment today, my counselor said next week we could talk about the 15th (Claudia's day) if I wanted to.  It made me feel really good that he remembered.  I will find out if he thinks I should go to that Rachel's Vineyard meeting.  I also might do a remembrance thing with him for Claudia at my next appointment on the 12th.  I'm kind of wondering if this should be the last time (concentrating on her).  I'm not just missing her on January 15, I miss her other times too and sometimes even want to go to heaven so I can see her (when I'm really depressed).  I get stuck in this grief though, and in the meantime I don't notice people still living who are caring about me.

For my "New Year's Resolution," I'm doing another reading plan on Blue Letter Bible.  I did it successfully once before in 2008.

Less than a month to go

I feel really nervous and scared already about January 15.  It's kind of affecting the rest of my life right now and I wish I could just stay home all the time.  But on the good side of things ...

I went alone to the Baptist church's Christmas program Friday.  It didn't start till 7 so of course I had to drive in the dark, and I'm all praying "please help me, please help me," all the way there and so scared and nervous about getting in an accident or getting lost.  Once I got in the parking lot safely, I was going "Oh, thank you, thank you!" and I actually started laughing because then I prayed for help finding a parking space, LOL.

I've joined another bible study, started a couple months ago.  There are about 10 of us.  We're supposed to meet every other week, but we only met once in November and now once in December, and now we're not meeting till January 20 (all because of the holidays).  I wasn't very happy when they decided on this other long break.  It's really hard to share things in the study and then have them say bye and see you in five weeks, like it doesn't matter that they threw me off a cliff with my feelings.  Anyway, Tuesday the leader invited me and a couple of the other women to her house this coming Tuesday for "tea."  Wednesday when I was praying and getting prepared to do my usual Bible time, I was praying/crying because I felt like nobody from the group really cared that I'm pretty much a hermit and don't get to talk to people very often on a casual basis, and then the phone rang while I was reading and it was one of the ladies from the group just wanting to say hi!  How's that for quick answered prayers.  It was just what I needed.

Tonight (now last night) I went to Village Inn with my roommate from Rachel's Vineyard.  She gave me a present, a book called The Four Agreements.  One of the counselors from the retreat came for a little bit and had some coffee.  We're supposed to have another luncheon next month of all the past R.V. retreat attendees (who want to come).  Except it's gonna be on January 15th.  I know maybe it was planned by God to be on that specific day for a reason.  Yeah, the reason to stay home!  I don't know, I'm worried I won't feel well mentally like usual.  I thought about scheduling a session with my therapist the day before and maybe seeing if he wanted to watch me release a balloon, but I'm even nervous about that.

Thought from Monday

I want to note this so I don't forget.  I had counseling Monday and we were talking about an incident that upset me concerning a teacher's comment about one of my kids the previous week, because what had happened made me feel like a horrible mom.

Somehow we got to the point of talking about the kids' teacher conferences, how their teachers always say nice things about them, and my counselor was asking me if any of their comments penetrate and I said NO.  Most of the time I immediately (I mean, IMMEDIATELY) start a dialogue in my head and give credit to someone or something else and not me.  Like, my daughter's a helpful girl because she has a little brother, or my son's a friendly boy who gets along with everyone because he's the baby of the family ... not giving myself any credit that they were raised (by me) that way.  I don't know, I'm stuck.

I relayed to him what people said after I got my first divorce.  I was a single mom to a toddler and I worked full time and I felt I was doing a really good job of handling things, but even my co-workers would insist I go after my ex for child support, like hinting I couldn't make it on my own.  My parents have NEVER thought I could be a productive person.  They always got me medical "help," psychological "help," once they even thought about putting me on Social Security disability ... and I had no say in any of it.  I remember October 20, 1984.  Me and my parents toured a business school that THEY wanted me to go to.  I remember specifically saying I wanted to get married after high school and have a family, but my mom told me, no, I wanted to go to school so I could get a good job.  WHAT?

How come I can't make it?  How come I can't do what I want to do?  I guess this is why compliments don't penetrate.  Someone can say I'm a good mom, and I know my sister would say "She can't take care of herself let alone a baby."  Someone can say I'm doing a good job being a single mom, and my co-workers would say "Yeah, well, she could be better with more financial help."  Someone could say I'm a good mom, and my husband always makes ME feel like the one who's in trouble if the kids do something wrong.  I don't know how to get out of this.  Why do I let people make me feel bad about myself.

Okay, then my counselor was asking me how I felt if I could shush that immediate dialogue when someone compliments me.  I said I would feel like a good mom, and I would ENJOY being a mom.  Doing things for my kids, loving my kids, would give me joy.  I don't know how to stop the dialogue though.

He also asked me what would my kids think if I wasn't around to love them.  I said they would feel how I feel now, that life's not worth living because nobody loves them and they aren't important to anyone.

Six Word Saturday (11/27/10)

I wish I was a Sim

Whenever my husband's alarm goes off for work in the morning, I pretty much always forget what I'm dreaming because I wake up to the song that's playing.  On Sunday mornings I wake up on my own so I usually remember part of my dreams then.  One time a missionary to Morocco told my Sunday school class that Muslims get converted to Christianity sometimes because they have vivid dreams of Jesus talking to them.  Well, mine aren't so life-changing and I'm not really sure if God speaks to me in mine.  But anyway, last Sunday's dream is still on my mind because it was such a good dream.

For some reason my real life was seen as a game of Sims 2.  Everyone I saw had a diamond-shaped plumbob hovering over their head just like in the Sims (the plumbob changes colors depending on their mood and fulfilled needs - green is preferable, yellow means they're fading, red means deficient, but platinum means excellent).  Okay, in my dream, me and my husband didn't have our three current children, but we had quintuplet toddlers (FIVE TODDLERS!?!?).  Anyway, four of them looked like me and my husband and one of them was very dark skinned like an Ethiopian.  And in my dream my normally outspoken opinionated husband didn't have much to say about the dark kid because we both knew that it was his side of the family who had intermingled with slaves a long time ago.  (Weird!)

Alien Sim reading to a toddler

But in my dream these five little toddlers were just babbling happily with each other, green plumbobs over their heads, waiting for me to get them each out of their crib.  And they were all just wearing a diaper, and they went in a line by the changing table and just stood there patiently waiting their turn for me to get them dressed.  And I just remember feeling in my dream that I really ENJOYED being their mom and how satisfying it was to take care of them all.  Every time I started dressing one, I would tell him/her I loved them and they would say they loved me too.  And the last one I dressed was the black toddler, and I remember I said I loved him and he said "even me, mommy?" and I said "Especially you!" and he smiled so big and I felt SOOO happy!

Toddler taking nap in dog bed

And then I woke up.

I've been thinking about this dream all week, and if God was really telling me something in it, maybe he was saying that I should enjoy being a mom.  If my family and my husband's family (and the neighbors and my friends, etc.) want to grade me, it's like maybe God's telling me who cares what they think.

Broke up

My oldest son came over for dinner tonight.  He said he didn't want to tell me last Sunday but he and his girlfriend broke up.  She apparently is listening to her friends and they don't think she should "waste" her last year of high school tied down in a relationship.  Hmm, interesting, my son spent all four years of high school in a relationship with HER!

I'm not mad at her.

I love her.

I'm so pissed off at my husband right now too, because up until about a year ago, he never "allowed" her to come over!  My son would go over there (she lived with her uncle next door to us till her mother got out of rehab).  Every single day he went over there and she couldn't come over here.  And then the uncle transferred jobs and moved out of town (after her mother got an apartment and a job).  And then all of a sudden it was okay for my son's girlfriend to come over.  Apparently my husband just didn't like the uncle.  So I wish I could've loved her for the first three years too!!!  I hate my husband right now!!!!

My son has already went on two dates with some girl he "went out with" in junior high.

I'm hurting so bad.  My therapist had to move my appointment to tomorrow instead of Wednesday because of his Thanksgiving travel, so I guess at least it's comforting knowing I get to see him.

Six Word Saturday (11/20/10)

So much to do this weekend

First, I just want to vent - the remodeling still isn't finished on the "facade" of the strip mall where I volunteer at.  Their trucks are all over the parking lot and it's hard to find a space, plus they have scaffolding in front of both the front and side door.  Thursday when I left to go home I didn't duck down far enough out the door and hit the top of my head so hard on the scaffolding that I fell backwards flat on my back in the parking lot and hit my head on the pavement!  I really have half a mind not to go volunteer till the construction is done.  I guess I'm okay but it triggered me being afraid of other things, like getting in a car accident or getting sick and having to go to the hospital, etc.

On a good note, today I'm going to a luncheon with the people from Rachel's Vineyard.  I guess it's like a reunion.  I really can't wait to see everyone again!

Tomorrow at church is Consecration Sunday.  I'm not sure what it is exactly because I've only been going to this Methodist church since Halloween.  They're serving breakfast after each service.  I've been going to this church because my neighbors go there and it's closer to my house and the people there don't seem so judgmental.  Yet.