Rachel's Vineyard, day 1

I'm going to write about my experience with the retreat I went on a week ago.  I want to state two things if someone should happen to read this:  1)  I highly recommend going! and 2) even though you can read about it here, it is a whole different thing EXPERIENCING it, so don't say you don't have to go now that you read about it, because [see number 1!].  I also belong to a forum where I was talking about anticipating going, and one of the moderators sent me a private message that I "had to" write about it only on their religion board instead of that one, and it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  I mean, I would THINK I'd already know not to be preachy in my descriptions if I posted on the regular board.  So now I'm deciding not to post at all about it anywhere on that forum, and I'll write about it here, and since this is my blog I'm not going to water down the lessons I learned.  (So THERE.)

The retreat took place at a bed and breakfast at the base of the mountains about 16 miles from my house.  My husband drove me out there.  All I told him was that it was a retreat for church because I didn't want him to make fun of me again for not being "over it" after 26 years.  Once we pulled off the highway, the roads weren't paved so he was worried about his BMW paint job and kept teasing me, "Oh, this is gonna cost you."

The fourth person canceled at the last second so there ended up only being three of us.  (If they had known in advance there was only going to be three, they would have canceled the weekend.)  It turned out fine even with three.  We met in the main room with all the counselors and the priest and gave a short intro.  I guess I was a ball of nerves because even doing this little thing made me cry.

One thing I should mention too, this retreat is sponsored by the Catholic church.  I personally go to a Baptist church though.  And, unfortunately, three specific people who are important to me in my life have huge problems with Catholics.  My Sunday school teacher is very opinionated and (to me) self-righteous and acts like he knows everything, and he cuts down any religion that isn't Baptist.  Then the director of the place I volunteer at will come up to me with a student's answer sheet and tell me that the student goes to a Catholic church, and then he somberly tells me, "We need to pray for him," in the same tone that he uses about a student who's in prison for murder or something.  And the third person is another volunteer I work with who actually is a former Catholic and he's nothing short of hostile about the church and likens it to a cult.  (He gets so incensed and can go on and on about it, and sometimes just to be funny, I will ask him "Oh, did you see the pope on TV yesterday?" just because I know he'll launch into a 45 minute anti-Catholic speech and I'll get to take a break from grading papers.)  

But anyway, here I am at the retreat and my radar is up and trying not to get myself "ensnared" in this "horrible" church, and I was feeling like I would be SINNING if I slipped up and accidentally did something Catholic.  I didn't want those three people to hate me, right?  So after only being at the retreat for two hours and listening to everyone and trying to discern what was biblical and "Baptist-ly" correct or not, I was exhausted.  I went to my room and started crying and screaming, praying that I wanted to go home because I couldn't do it (tell the difference between what was sinful Catholicism or just innocent Christian words).  And even though I was screaming, all of a sudden I heard this really quiet voice say right to my heart, "Don't worry about it.  I'll let you know."  God has spoken to me like that a couple times before and I knew I could completely trust that voice too, so the whole rest of the retreat I seriously never gave "slipping up and doing something Catholic" another thought.  That was God's biggest gift to me because I then was free to be able to heal and learn so much.  (I told my counselor later that I almost wish I could ask those three men for an apology for scaring me so badly.  At least I know for myself that they were in the wrong here, not me, and I think God backs me up.)

We did a couple exercises called Living Scriptures.  The first one was the woman caught in adultery.  They read the actual passage from the Bible, and then they guided us through a meditation exercise.  Basically, you put yourself in the scene and you're the woman caught in adultery, the one who's hated and dirty and going to be stoned to death.  And as the story goes, Jesus writes something in the dirt with his finger and then stands up and tells the people that the one who is sinless can cast the first stone ... and one by one the people leave.  Then Jesus turns to the woman and says,  "Neither do I condemn you.  Go and sin no more."  So in the room, we passed around a stone and repeated Jesus' words to each other.  It felt completely different DOING something tangible with the story rather than just hearing about it.  Although I had asked for forgiveness about my abortion long ago, and I already knew God forgave me and even Claudia forgave me, it felt great to do this exercise.  I wrote in my journal later that I still wished I had done something different and not have had the abortion.  One of the other women at the retreat said she thought it would help heal her if she told her family her secret, and one counselor said, "God's healing is not conditional."  That REALLY helped me because I also had that feeling of "if I do this then my sin would be forgiven."  (YES, I still thought that, even though I already knew for years that I was forgiven.)

The next Living Scripture we did was about Bartimaeus, the blind man Jesus heals.  (You can read the Bible story here.)  Bartimaeus asked Jesus to take pity on him and Jesus asked "What do you want me to do for you?" and Bartimaeus wanted to see, so he was healed.  Then we were guided through another meditation exercise where you're put in the scene and you are Bartimaeus, a lowlife who's unimportant but desperate even though you know Jesus is really busy, etc.  They gave us each a candle (representing Jesus' life lit in you, if I remember right) and asked each of us Jesus' question.  When I got my candle, I guess I still wanted to hold onto not healing because I don't deserve it or something.  I just wasn't ready to let go.  Looking back on it now, I can see that I felt as unworthy as Bartimaeus but at least HE had faith Jesus would help him!

The priest then did a Catholic blessing for healing.  He went up to each of us and laid his hands on us and prayed, then he made the sign of the cross on my forehead and the palms of my hands.  He told us the blessing was good for both physical AND mental healing.  And you know what, it was very soothing for my mind.

Then we watched a video from the founder of Rachel's Vineyard.  She talked a little about the background, and then a couple former retreat participants gave their testimonies.  One woman mentioned that a woman is a lifeline to the baby in her womb but an aborted baby is that woman's lifeline to God.  Another lady said her closeness with Jesus is something good out of something bad.  Those two things stuck out for me.

The last exercises of this evening was sharing in each other's suffering.  They had a pitcher of grape juice (wine) and a big goblet.  We took turns pouring a little of the wine in the glass as we named what we were suffering.  I said shame, guilt, bitterness, anger and sorrow.  Then we each drank from the cup and passed it around till it was empty to share in each other's suffering.  To end the day, we held hands in a circle and said the Lord's Prayer (without the "thine is the kingdom" part).