Rachel's Vineyard, day 3

During the morning meeting they told us we had been living in a bubble there and to be careful to stay close to God everyday after we got home.  We chose one of each other's names on cards out of a basket.  The name I picked was the counselor E.  We were supposed to write on the card how that person was a blessing.  So I wrote things down about E and just sobbed my eyes out (it really sucked knowing I'd have to say goodbye to her, this person who meant so much to me already, when the retreat was over).  Then we each took turns going up to our person and reading the card to them.  Another counselor actually selected my name.  (I still have the card in my jacket pocket.)  Here is what she wrote about me:

Debbie

Beautiful Smile

Strong woman

Willing to take on a task

Putting yourself in a different and strange environment for healing

Openess to share to help others

Blossomed since Friday

We passed around the wine (pitcher of grape juice) again and poured into the big goblet for each thing that blessed us during the weekend.  I put "love" and "healing."  Then we shared the cup and drank each other's joy and blessings.  That was really cool.

The Memorial Service

My therapist came!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me and the other two ladies were in the kitchen filling out some paperwork, and I heard him laughing in the other room!  I was glad he was there but I felt funny at first like maybe he wasn't glad to be there or something.  I asked him if he would mind helping me do things during the ceremony, mostly I just needed to hold his arm for balance becuase I was wearing a dress and flats, and I didn't want to slip.  I had been using a cane for balance most of the weekend and I just wanted the ceremony to stand out more, not my cane.  He said he could help me.  So once the ceremony started all of a sudden I realized he wasn't there for me, he was there for Claudia .. that felt so good to have someone important to me acknowledging my baby's existence.

M read her letter for her baby out loud, but when she first got up there she started seriously crying hard.  One of the counselors and M's daughter were standing with her for support.  Still that was really painful to watch.  I'm almost thinking M was gonna read her letter to her "little girl M" self but maybe it was too painful for her?  At any rate, then T read her letter for her baby out loud too.  When I walked up there with my therapist I got really nervous so I don't think I got much out of "my" part of the service.  I read my "little girl Debbie" letter and the poem I wrote for Claudia.  I don't want to share them anymore.  I felt so dumb, as soon as they were read, I just felt like they weren't even very good!  It was humiliating.  It still is.

Then I had to place the two bereavement dolls representing Claudia and little girl Debbie in the cradle.  THAT WAS HARD.  That was so hard.  I mean, I'm even crying right now remembering it.  It's just a stupid hot-dog shaped doll in a blanket but it hurts so much remembering I had to let them go.

The priest gave me a lovely Certificate of Life that had Claudia's name on it.  One of the other counselors gave me a rose and a pin.  And then me and my therapist sat back down.  Then the priest said some things, and then the service was over.  I asked my therapist if he was gonna stay for the mass (which he did).  Then we had a reception of desserts.  I told my therapist it really meant the world to me that he came!!  After he ate his pie, he said he had to go.  I wish I could have "felt" more around him.  I just felt like a zombie during my part of the service because I was so nervous.  I also feel like I was scared he'd be mad if I cried.

Then we packed up our stuff and my roomie M gave me a ride home!  We're supposed to meet on November 20 for a "reunion" at one of the counselor's houses.  I just can't wait to see everyone again.