Sleep needed

On Steve's 25 Days of Christmas, yesterday's song was "North Pole Comedy Club" by the Muppets and today's is actually two songs, one a jingle from the post office from 1966 about putting zip codes on your Christmas cards and the other is "Santa and the Purple People Eater."

I go see my counselor today. I know I do a lot of "projecting" onto him but right now I'm angry because I'm thinking when I tell him I haven't been sleeping that great, he will be apathetic. I've been staying up as late as I can, till I can't keep my eyes open, so that I don't have to worry about not being able to fall asleep, but then I have crazy scary dreams and wake up 3-4 hours later. I feel like a ZOMBIE! My problem is I don't even KNOW what reaction I want from him or other people when I say I'm not sleeping.

Last night's dream was such a doozy, it's still with me. It had elements of a bunch themes of crummy things that have happened to me. In my dream I was at a music camp where we stayed in little cabins outside. (I can't carry a tune in a bucket so that should've tipped me off right there that it was a dream, but I WAS in handbell choir for a while.) The songs we practiced in my dream were really hard and I wasn't singing it right and felt really upset, and everyone around me was totally oblivious to the fact I was crying (this actually did happen in handbells). So that night I soaked bath towels in gasoline and lit them on fire and threw them on top of the roof of the choir director's cabin, and I went back in my cabin and went to sleep. In the morning there was just a big pile of ashes where the choir director's cabin - and the choir director - had been. And everyone's all crying and nobody even suspected it was me who did it because I'm physically weak. But in my dream I got really paranoid thinking that eventually they will figure it out. So that's the point I woke up! And GET THIS - I was actually laying in bed trying to figure out how I could just stay in my house for the next 50 years because I knew people would be able to tell I killed someone if I ever went out in public! I was actually laying there wondering if my counselor could do a phone session so I wouldn't have to go outside today, and I was trying not to cry and all of a sudden I remembered IT WAS A DREAM! So I went from scared/crying to wanting to laugh with relief and that felt so strange. I know our house is a dump right now and I do feel like just setting it on fire because it's never going to stay clean. I mean, I just cleaned Saturday and already the living room's trashed.

Probably not making much sense but I'm really tired, but I just wanted a record of the dream I had.